When It's All Said and Done
Chapter One
Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Characters: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres:Romance
Warnings: Season 5 Spoilers
Summary: This story carries on after Episode 513.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.
________________________________________________________________________________
Brian felt Justin move out from under him. He kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t say goodbye again. His heart ached at the thought of him leaving but he knew this was good for Justin. His whole future was in front of him. New York was waiting for him with open arms and he couldn’t stand in his way. It was the chance of a lifetime.
He saw all the missed opportunities flash through his head, all the wasted time pushing him away. A million versions of Justin’s eyes pleading for his love and now he had given it, but it was too late. He was now in the place that he feared the most, the place that terrified him. Fear of ending up there had caused him to keep pushing Justin away, over and over again. The one place that he swore he would never go. He had allowed himself to love someone and the momentary joy was nothing compared to the loss that was now swallowing him alive.
Brian lay silently as Justin dressed for his flight. He felt him come back and stand beside the bed, brushing the hair off his forehead so gently. His touch was like silk. Brian felt Justin lean over him and touch their lips together. The words came next.
“I will love you forever. You belong to me and I will always be yours.”
Brian wanted to open his eyes and scream. “Don’t leave me, please Justin stay,” but he didn’t. He was still and pretended to sleep, loving him too much to stand in the way of his future. When he heard the heavy steel door close with a thud, he stretched out. The tears began to fall unable to keep them inside a moment longer. He remembered how he would cry when his father would beat him as a child. The pain that he felt at this moment was worse than he had ever felt before. It was worse than all the busted lips and broken bones. He felt the emptiness spread, taking him over until the pain stopped and there was nothing again. Not so long ago, the nothingness was normal. Now he wanted more than that. Justin was going to New York, leaving him alone, empty and full of despair. So much for Mr. No Regrets.
He rolled onto his back and reached for a cigarette, lighting it and blowing smoke rings at the ceiling. His face was red and puffy from crying. He didn’t need to look; he could feel it and he didn’t care. His heart was broken and nothing mattered any more. Casting his mind back to the night of the explosion at Babylon, he remembered the look on Justin’s face when he finally admitted he loved him. The words didn’t come out by accident. It wasn’t from relief that he was alive although he knew that was what Justin thought. He couldn’t keep them in any longer. They exploded out of him in the midst of the chaos. He loved Justin Taylor and the first time in his life, he didn’t want anyone else.
The dream Brian Kinney was shattered into a million pieces. The imaginary person that love didn’t touch and lived on his own terms was gone and he didn’t want to resurrect him. He wanted Justin.
When Justin was in LA, they had tried to commute and be together as much as possible but it hadn’t worked. He was so surprised when Justin came home. He was sure he had lost him forever to his shiny future. Brian lay staring at the ceiling. Another cigarette had burned out and he hadn’t noticed.
Time seemed to stand still as he laid there in the eerie silence. There were so many things racing through his head, he couldn’t lose him; he just couldn’t. He didn’t want to live without him again. Justin was the center of his universe and he couldn’t give him up.
Brian jumped out of bed and reached for the phone.
A very sleepy Cynthia answered. “Hello?”
“Cynthia, it’s Bri, were you sleeping?”
Cynthia blinked in disbelief at the time blinking back at her from the nightstand. It was 3.42a.m. “No Brian, I was awake, I knew you would be calling,” she said sarcastically. “What the fuck do you want?”
“We are going to open an office in New York. I’m flying out to search for locations, so I won’t be in for a few days. Cancel the appointments that only want me and you and Ted handle the rest. I’ll call you later.” Brian closed his cell and smiled. He booked the next flight out and rushed to pack. “I love you Justin,” he said out loud as he hurried to get ready.
********
Justin sat on the plane in silence. He didn’t notice anything around him. His heart was broken. All of the excitement about what the future would hold was covered in the grayness of leaving his love behind. The last few days, seeing Brian’s face every morning again was the happiest time in his life. Waking up to Brian holding him and telling him how much he loved him was a beautiful dream come true. Since Brian’s confession after the bombing, Brian was everything he had ever dreamed he could be and more, a miracle that even he had never dared hope for. There were declarations of love from Brian Kinney with open feelings being freely expressed and loving affection in abundance, he still couldn’t believe it. Brian wanted him, only him. It was suddenly like he wasn’t afraid anymore to let Justin see into his heart. He remembered how Brian’s lips tasted as he kissed him goodbye when he left. He needed to taste him every day not every now and again. If he needed to be in New York for his career, it wouldn’t be for a little while. It would take a few years to establish Justin Taylor in the art world even with the publicity. How was he going to still be a couple with Brian? How was he going to be without him every day? Brian was his life’s blood, his inspiration, his everything.
He may have needed to go to New York to further his reputation but he was not going to sacrifice his and Brian’s love to do that. He knew that if he refused to go Brian would have forced him. He needed to find a way to make it work but he didn’t have a clue how he was going to do that. He wanted to turn around and go back but knew he couldn’t. He wanted them to just move into their new home and lock the rest of the world out but that couldn’t happen either. He wanted to hear Brian’s voice but if he rang, what would he say?