The Man I Love

brian

Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, What if, Romance
Warnings:Brian/Michael
Summary: Set between Jack Kinney's funeral and before Justin moves back into the loft in Season 2. What if Michael hadn't refused Brian that night? I've used a lot of direct dialogue from the show so the timing of the events is clear.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.

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Brian’s relationship with his father had always been a volatile one, but ever since discovering Jack Kinney had cancer, Michael feared how Brian would ultimately be affected by his father’s death. His worst fears were confirmed when Brian was a fall down mess and were made even worse by his friend going out of his way to prove how much he didn’t care, even when Michael knew he really did. There was no doubt in Michael’s mind that caring about his father was the last thing Brian would ever admit.

When they’d returned to the loft, after the service and after painfully correcting his childhood memory of the day they both went bowling with Jack Kinney, Brian was so angry it almost scared him.

Michael held him tightly as Brian tried to push him away and it took less than a minute for Brian to stop struggling and fall back onto the bed. Brian was high, but more overwhelmed with grief than he expected to be and in an effort to distract himself, he immersed himself into his tried and true belief that sex fixed everything, as he slid his hand into Mikey’s pants and grabbed for his cock.

Michael’s first instinct was to stop Brian from touching him… even though a moment later, it had felt so right that he just couldn’t help but beg Brian for more.

********


Afterward, as Brian held him, Michael was afraid… too afraid to even revel in his dream coming true. When Brian disappeared into the bathroom without a word, Michael was sure his heart stopped and when Brian hadn’t returned five minutes later, Michael was sure Brian was avoiding him by staying away. As much as it pained him to leave, Michael climbed out of bed, gathered up his clothes and walked down the stairs with his clothes in his arms. As he passed by the window, the magnificent view from Brian’s loft caught his attention and he sat down to enjoy it one last time. As much as he’d always dreamed of the day when they would finally make love, he knew their friendship was over. He was a trick now and Brian would never allow himself to spend time with a trick.

Michael sat near the window ledge, staring out into space. He was grateful he’d arranged with David that if Brian needed him to stay, he could. For the first time David had said to take all the time he needed. Besides, he was in no hurry to explain his infidelity with Brian. A line had been crossed that they could never uncross again. In the longest twenty minutes of his life, he stared out the window, but when he heard Brian come down the stairs and just as Michael was about to tell his friend it was a mistake and they should forget it… Brian slipped his arms around Michael and he felt Brian press his body against him and hold him tightly.

Michael felt relieved and pressed his head against Brian’s chest.

“You okay?” Brian whispered, as his arms tightened about Mikey’s small frame.

“Mmmm,” Michael sighed.

“I’m glad you’re here with me,” Brian whispered again. He wasn’t exactly sure how he felt about what he’d just done, but he knew he wasn’t sorry.

Michael could feel something different between them now and was surprised that Brian wasn’t reverting to being an asshole and telling him to leave. In fact, this was just the opposite… which made things feel even stranger. Brian was being very affectionate and attentive to his left ear… something Michael wasn’t expecting at all.

In truth, Michael wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but Brian sitting behind him with his arms around him, nuzzling his neck, wasn’t it.

It was never Brian’s intention to ever fuck his friend. Mikey loved him and as his best friend, Brian knew Mikey would always love him. As a lover, however, Brian was always afraid if he ever allowed anything to happen between them, he’d lose Mikey’s love. He didn’t exactly have the best track record in the relationship stakes, but after they returned from the funeral and in a moment of madness… it just happened.

That was the easy part out of the way, but what was happening now was much harder. It was no secret Mikey had always wanted him and now, it was done it couldn’t be undone. Mikey wasn’t a one night stand. Mikey was ‘forever’ and ‘happily ever after’… a mythical concept Brian had no experience with. He was hard again, but it wasn’t passion he was feeling. It was something else… something he’d never felt before. It was warm and safe and completely accepting and he wanted nothing more than to immerse himself in it all over again.

Brian released Mikey long enough to roll on a condom, then lifted Mikey back onto his cock again before closing his eyes.

“Brian,” Michael gasped, not expecting this.

“Always have,” Brian moaned, his kisses becoming more fervent. “Always will.”

********


The next time Michael opened his eyes, he was in Brian’s bed again. Brian had one arm under his head and was staring at the ceiling. The room was filled with smoke and as Michael turned onto his side, he noticed the ashtray on the nightstand was brimming. “Morning,” he said softly.

Brian glanced at him and half smiled, then took another puff and blew the smoke towards the ceiling before answering. “Hey.” He stubbed out the cigarette and pulled Michael on top of him.

“Are you gonna fuck me again?” Michael asked tentatively, unsure if his ass could take anymore. They’d fucked so many times, he’d lost count. Knowing Brian was a fuck machine and experiencing it first hand, were two entirely different things.

“Do you want me to?” Brian replied.

“What do you want?” Michael asked.

“I want to sleep. Stay with me?”

Michael smiled and rested his head on Brian’s chest. He felt Brian slip his arms around him and a few moments later, relax beneath him. Although he was enjoying being so close to Brian, an hour later, he had no choice but to move. His bladder was about to explode. As Michael rolled off Brian, his friend opened one eye.

“Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” Michael smiled.

“Don’t be long,” Brian sighed and closed his eye again. He knew he wasn’t good at this and was mindful of Mikey’s feelings. Over the years they’d been friends, Brian knew all Mikey’s complaints about lovers. He knew what Mikey needed to be happy and was determined to give his friend what he needed.

Coming to the realization he was like his father, was difficult. The man was everything he hated. Sitting at that pathetic attempt for a wake and watching the indifference on the faces of the people there had affected him. If he continued being a self absorbed asshole like Jack, he’d eventually die alone like his father had with no one giving a fuck. He’d never wanted a partner before, but seeing the lack of depth in his mother’s commitment for his father… he knew he didn’t want that either. Fuck, that bitch had given away Jack’s clothes to Goodwill and he wasn’t even in the ground yet. Her biggest concern was packets or cubes… fuck, how pathetic was that?

His father was a social abomination with no taste whatsoever. That would never be his problem. He’d worked hard to make sure it wasn’t. His father was also a selfish prick and even though he had the same reputation, Brian knew he was always there for his friends when it counted most. A pre-requisite for growing up in the Kinney household was to be strong and he knew he was that, but he was also arrogant and cold like his dad and that would only move him further down the path to oblivion. In trying to not be like his father, he’d just chosen very different vehicles and still ended up in the same place.

Debbie always complained he wouldn’t let people love him and she was right. Letting anyone in was difficult. He never wanted to be seen as weak or needy, so instead he pushed everyone away. It was who he was, who he needed to be then… but no more.

When Mikey climbed back into bed, Brian spooned in behind him. He knew they would have to get up eventually… they’d have to leave the loft and he needed to decide if it would be as friends or lovers. He closed his eyes, trying to put off the inevitable.

Finally Brian was in a deep sleep and Michael was hungry. He showered and dressed and couldn’t believe they’d been in bed and without food for most of the day. He looked in the refrigerator and there was nothing. No wonder Brian was so skinny. Michael called Ted and asked him to bring over some food. Ted would ask the least amount of questions and that suited Michael because he didn’t have answers at all.

Michael opened the door quickly when the buzzer sounded, hoping Brian wouldn’t be disturbed.

“Shhhh, Brian’s asleep.”

Ted nodded. “How is he?”

Michael shrugged. “His dad died.”

“And that means he cares?” Ted shrugged.

Michael shook his head and frowned. “Of course he cares, it was his dad.”

Ted rolled his eyes. In his experience, Brian only cared about things and not people, except for perhaps Michael and maybe Lindsay and only when it suited him. “I need to get back to Blake.”

“Thanks Teddy,” Michael smiled and kissed his friend on the cheek. He closed the heavy steel door, locked it and put on the coffee.

********


Brian opened his eyes and stretched. He noticed Mikey wasn’t beside him and wondered where he was. After using the bathroom, he wandered downstairs and saw Mikey sitting on the sofa. “Hey, you’re up.”

Michael smiled. “I needed to eat something. Let me get you a plate.”

Brian sat on the sofa and picked up one of the cartons. Mmmm, he thought… he was starving.

“Do you want me to heat it up?” Michael asked.

Brian put his finger in the container. “It’s warm enough,” he said and began to eat.

Michael poured coffee and watched as Brian ate. He couldn’t tell if Brian was going to kiss him or throw him out when he was finished eating and he could feel the butterflies jumping in his stomach. Then there was David. What was he gonna say to his partner? Fuck, what a mess. Still, it was worth it. Being with Brian was worth it, even if it was only for a short time. Brian had made him feel things he had never felt before and Michael found himself smiling at how loving Brian had been. The short time they’d had together was worth all the pain that was coming when Brian retreated back behind his safety wall.

Brian finished his last mouthful and looked at his friend. “Thanks.”

Michael smiled. “I was hungry so I knew you would be too.”

“Thanks for staying with me,” Brian said softly.

Michael nodded. Here it was… the moment of truth. When Brian moved closer and took him in his arms, Michael was stunned. As their lips touched, Brian pulled Michael tighter against him and hungrily devoured him until they were both breathless. When Michael opened his eyes, Brian was smiling at him. “That was nice,” Michael panted.

Brian raised one eyebrow. He was surprised just how nice. In the cold light of day, Brian wondered if he’d be able to do this, but it felt so good to have Mikey in his arms and feel Michael’s love warming his heart.

“I love you, Brian,” Michael smiled.

Brian smiled too, then hesitated. “I can’t promise anything,” Brian said softly. He was about to say but he wanted to try, when Michael interrupted him.

“I should get home to David. I’m gonna take your advice and not tell him. Last night was just a fuck and he doesn’t need to know about it.”

What the fuck, Brian thought. “Do what you think is right,” Brian said sternly. Was he supposed to be sorry? Why should he be? Mikey loved him, didn’t he? He was more than thrown by his friend’s attitude. Didn’t Mikey want them to be together? How fucking ironic… all this time he was trying to work out if he could and now he knew, Mikey didn’t want them to be together. “You better get home to the Doc.” He stood up and walked up the stairs to his bedroom.

Michael wasn’t sure what just happened. When Brian said he couldn’t promise anything, he was so sure Brian was about to drop him off a cliff again, but he couldn’t seem to get the look on Brian’s face out of his head. He knew that look… the one just before the icy Kinney wall descended. Brian was hurt… fuck. He ran up the stairs after his friend and found Brian in the shower.

“I thought you left,” Brian said coldly. He didn’t need some drawn out scene.

“Do you want me to stay?”

“You said you were going home to the Doc.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Michael repeated and when Brian just stared at him and didn’t reply, he frowned. “We’ve known each other for too many years for this shit, Brian.”

“Then go. I’m not the candy and flowers type, so you don’t have to stay with me.” Brian turned his back and continued soaping himself. He didn’t want to sound hurt, but he did and he was. Making the decision to try and give Mikey what he wanted was difficult. Finding out Mikey could leave him so easily, was intolerable. If the person who loved him most could abandon him this way, what did that say about him? There friendship had been decimated by a drugged up, drunken night of fucking and if Mikey though it was just a fuck… it was a façade… it was for nothing.

Michael turned off the water and threw a towel at Brian.

Brian threw the towel back at him. “Fuck off. I’m taking a shower, just get out.” Brian turned the water back on.

Michael shook his head. This was so fucked up. What should have been the happiest day of his life was now a disaster. Brian was stubborn and difficult to reach once he retreated behind his protective wall. Ever since the first time they fucked, he’d been waiting for the Kinney wall to descend and it hadn’t until he mentioned he was leaving to be with David. Fuck… Brian wanted him to stay. How could he have gotten it so wrong? He decided to give Brian some time to calm down and walked out of the bathroom.

Brian turned the hot water up and stood under the scorching water stream. Now he’d tried it and he was positive it wasn’t for him. For twelve hours, he’d deluded himself that it could work and it hadn’t. He was just no good at shit like that… and he never would be. He must have temporarily lost his mind and for the first time in his life was filled with regret. He’d thrown his friendship with Mikey away for nothing. Michael had loved him for fifteen years and everyone knew he’d always dreamed of the two of them being together, but after only twelve hours, Mikey couldn’t wait to get back to someone else. Well done Kinney. The reality of being with him could shatter any dream.

Kinney men weren’t meant to settle down because they just weren’t good enough for anyone. As hard as he tried to pretend he made the decision of who he was with, now he knew the truth… he wasn’t even an option. The only saving grace was that he hadn’t told Mikey how much he wanted them to be together. If he had, he would have made an even bigger fool of himself. “Fuck,” Brian yelled and threw the delicate French soap onto the already slippery shower floor. He stood staring at it as it disappeared, first into mush and then down the drain. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel with which to dry off. When he emerged from the bathroom, Brian was surprised to find Michael lying on his bed. “What are you still doing here?” He said coldly.

“Waiting for you.”

“I thought I told you to fuck off,” Brian frowned.

“You did, but last night, when you were fucking me, you told me you loved me and I wondered which was true.”

“I was high… that’s all it was,” Brian shrugged and began to dress.

Michael reached out and grabbed Brian and they tumbled back onto the bed with Michael on top of him.

“Don’t make me hurt you, Michael,” Brian warned.

“I get warnings now,” Michael said sarcastically. “You’re such a shit… you know that, don’t you?”

“Yesterdays news flash…everyone already knows that,” Brian growled as he tried to wrestle himself free. “I mean it, let me go.”

“I’ll never be able to do that,” Michael looked into Brian’s eyes. “I love you and I want you and I need to feel you inside me.”

“If you have an itch, get someone else to scratch it,” Brian scowled. He could let himself fall into this again. Brian looked away. There was something in Mikey’s eyes that was melting his resolve.

Michael rubbed his body against Brian’s already hard cock.

“Don’t do that,” Brian whispered.

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to.”

“It feels to me like you do,” Michael smiled as he released Brian’s hands and continued his ministrations. He could feel Brian’s cock pressing into him.

“Don’t,” Brian stammered. If Mikey didn’t stop soon, he wouldn’t be able to stop at all. “Please Mikey?”

“I want you, Brian. I’ve wanted you since we were fourteen and I still want you at thirty. I’ve dreamed about this for more than half my life and now I’ve had you inside me, I can’t leave. I need you,” Michael sighed.

Brian wasn’t sure if it was Mikey’s words or the fact that his cock was ready to explode that made him grab for the condom, put it on and press into the small man on top of him. “Fuck,” Brian moaned as he sunk into Michael completely.

“Fuck me,” Michael begged as he slid up and down on Brian’s stiff appendage.

Brian held Mikey’s hips and ground in deeper. “Ohhh yeah,” he sighed. He was so close he wasn’t sure if he could move. Brian took a deep breath and held it, willing himself to calm down. He lifted Michael off his cock and took up position behind him. As Brian pressed in again, Michael cried out. Mikey had to be sore... they’d fucked for hours. “Are you sure you haven’t had enough?”

“Fuck me,” Michael begged. “I don’t want you to stop.”

Brian lubed up again. If Mikey wanted to be fucked, he’d make sure it was a fuck he would never forget and that any time David ever touched him in the future, Mikey would wish it was him. He ploughed into Mikey over and over until his reason disappeared and he was doing exactly what he wanted to do. Their bodies were writhing against each other when he reached for Mikey’s cock and started to pump it.

“Ohhhhhhhhh,” Michael cried out as he came and when his muscles clamped down, it sent Brian spiraling over the edge into his own orgasm.

“Ahhhhhhh,” Brian cried out too and pumped his load into the condom. He held Mikey tightly and their bodies shook from the force of their orgasms.

“I want to be with you,” Michael sighed. “There’s no place I’d rather be.”

“What about the Doc?” Brian panted.

“I love you, Brian,” Michael sighed and when their lips met, neither one was thinking about David anymore.

********


As long as they stayed at the loft, they could both forget the rest of the world existed.

Brian knew that wasn’t practical. No matter how much they tried to escape, eventually the rest of the world would intrude into their private fantasy. Mikey had to see David eventually and as much as he wanted to procrastinate, he would need to deal with Justin. It wasn’t as if he’d made Justin any promises. In fact, Brian had gone out of his way to do just the opposite. He’d been an even bigger shit than normally to this kid and Justin kept coming back for more. Brian was fucking Justin five days a week now and from past experience with how hard the kid had worked to get those five days, Brian knew Justin wouldn’t give them up so easily. Brian wasn’t convinced he wanted Justin to give up. The way Justin had pursued him so relentlessly was on a bad day annoying, but on a good day, flattering. Brian secretly liked the attention. He felt like a prize Justin wanted to win so much that he would climb mountains and dig ditches, doing anything it took to win him over. It wasn’t as if Brian suddenly wanted monogamy with Mikey because he didn’t because thinking about Justin was making him hard again and that even being possible was a miracle in itself.

He smiled as Mikey stirred. “We need to talk.”

“We haven’t been doing much of that, have we?” Michael said nervously.

“No,” Brian sighed.

“What do you want to talk about?” Michael asked softly.

“We need to establish some rules.”

“About?” Michael asked innocently... not wanting to appear demanding. Brian was emotionally immature at best and as his friend Michael knew it was impossible to expect anything from Brian. Now, as a lover, Michael wondered what he’d be offered... although anything from Brian was better than the nothing he had before.

Mikey wasn’t gonna make this easy for him. “You’re more than just a fuck to me.”

Michael laughed before he could stop himself and said “I’m glad.”

Brian sat up. “Forget it.”

“Hey, no,” Michael grabbed his arm. “I’m sorry. I want to know how you feel.”

“I don’t know how I fucking feel,” Brian snapped. “I try not to feel anything at all, most of the time.”

“How do I make you feel?”

“Good, I guess,” Brian shrugged.

Michael could see how hard this was for Brian and resisted the urge to be insulted. “Would you rather forget we did it?”

“No,” Brian answered quickly. Sex with Michael was different. It meant something and Brian liked the way it made him feel. The sort of sex he was used to, felt at the time, but then there was nothing. After being with Michael, he felt warm inside for hours afterwards. “I just don’t want to hurt you,” he continued. “You know what I’m like and I don’t want you’re Mom coming after me either,” he paused.

Michael smiled. “It’s probably better if we don’t tell anyone.”

“Would you care?” Brian did, but he wasn’t about to allow it to show.

Michael smiled because he didn’t mind at all. As much as he wanted to shout from the rafters that Brian finally wanted him, the barrage of attention it would cause and the nosy parkers who would have an opinion, he could live without… especially his Mom. “What about David?”

“What about him?” Brian said softly. He wasn’t sure what Michael wanted him to say.

“Do you want me to stay with him?”

“I want you to be wherever you want to be.” Brian was lying. He wanted Michael to be with him.

“Do you still want me?” Michael asked.

Brian pulled Michael onto his lap. “Oh, I want you alright.” He pressed his lips against Michael’s and like every other time they’d kissed, Brian was lost in the new magic he was feeling. The feeling of closeness was wonderful and he couldn’t get enough of it.

“What’s going on with us?” Michael asked.

“Fucked if I know,” Brian laughed.

“I’m serious, Brian. What are we doing?” Michael persisted. He hoped Brain would admit how he felt about him.

“Everything we’ve always done… with a few additions,” Brian smiled.

“Such as?” Michael grinned.

Brian laughed again. “Why don’t we make it up as we go along?”

********


Michael sat waiting for his eggs. He knew they would eventually be together all the time, but Brian wasn’t ready for that yet. Still, Brian was open to them fucking now, so, it was a start.

“Here’s your breakfast. You look like shit.” Debbie shook her head.

“Thanks Ma,” Michael rolled his eyes.

“What’s the asshole done now?”

“Nothing,” Michael said quickly. “Why do you always assume Brian’s done something?”

“Because he usually has,” Debbie scoffed. “I heard what he did at his father’s funeral.”

“Ma, he was so upset,” Michael sighed and shook his head.

“So was everyone else by the time he’d finished,” she growled.

“You don’t understand,” Michael tried to explain.

“And I don’t want to. If you let him fuck up your relationship with David, you’re crazy,” she sighed. “It will never happen for you two. You are supposed to be with David.”

“I am with David,” Michael choked out.

“Mmmm,” Debbie frowned. Something was going on… she could smell it. The last two days Michael was different and Brian… he was downright strange. Her son and Brian had always been close… they’d always been openly affectionate, but lately, something else was going on between them. She knew what she was seeing, but she couldn’t allow herself to believe it was possible. It had to be something else. Even if Michael had finally convinced Brian to fuck him, Brian was too calm… not conflicted… still open to Michael in every way. If Brian had fucked Michael, he would have transformed into the asshole he’d always been, but that hadn’t happened, so it was obvious to her that Brian still hadn’t fucked her son. The hardest part to understand was why this was even coming up again. Michael and David were happy and lately Brian had even stopped undermining their relationship. She’d thought all that nonsense was over. She hoped it still was.

“Hey,” Brian smiled as he sat down. “I’ll have an egg white omelet and black coffee.”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Debbie curtseyed, sarcastically.

As Debbie walked away, Brian frowned and squeezed Michael’s hand. “What wrong with her… wig too tight?”

“Ignore her,” Michael smiled. “What are you doing for lunch?”

“Meeting with a client, but I could meet you at the loft before.” Brian raised one eyebrow.

“Sounds good, what time?”

“Ten thirty?”

“I’ll see you there,” Michael grinned. “But right now, I gotta go. We’ve got an early delivery coming in.”

Debbie returned and almost threw Brian’s plate in front of him. Since when did they start holding hands? “Aren’t you going to be late?” She frowned at her son.

“I was just leaving.” Michael pulled his hand out of Brian’s and slid out of the booth. “Later.”

“Count on it,” Brian smirked.

Debbie frowned again. “I don’t know what you two are up to, but if you fuck up his relationship with David, you’ll have to answer to me.”

“If its right, it’ll work out and if it isn’t, it won’t,” Brian shrugged.

“It is right and don’t you fuck it up,” Debbie warned, and then stormed away.

Justin watched their exchange and wondered what was going on now. He took Brian a glass of water. “Hey,” he smiled.

Brian smiled. “Hey.”

“I haven’t seen you at Babylon for a few days,” Justin said.

“New client,” Brian shrugged.

“I was sorry to hear about your dad,” Justin said softly.

“People die,” Brian said flatly. “Life goes on and you should get back to work. Debbie’s in a bitch of a mood.”

“You seem to have that effect on her,” Justin laughed as he walked away.

Brian watched Justin’s ass all the way back to behind the counter. It had been a week since he’d fucked Justin and Debbie was no fool. He didn’t think he was behaving any differently, but he must have been or Deb knew him better than he thought. He’d been seeing Michael every day and it was great. Brian had tried tricking, but it didn’t seem to have the same appeal it used to. Sure it was always good to get his rocks off, but Michael was the one he could relax with and just be. There was no pressure, no expectations, just a warm feeling that made him feel good about himself.

He noticed Debbie was still frowning at him. As he pushed his plate away and walked over to the counter to pay the tab, he smiled at Justin again. “What are you doing after work?”

Justin looked up, surprised. “Do you want to meet at Woody’s?”

“No, let’s skip the pleasantries and go for the main course. If I get home early enough, I’ll even feed you first.” Brian raised one eyebrow, seductively.

Brian didn’t usually mention food. “How about I cook for you?” Justin smirked.

Brian tossed Justin his key. Maybe this would get Debbie off the track and off his case. Besides, Justin wasn’t a bad cook... in fact, he wasn’t bad at all. “I’ll be back around six thirty.” He could see out of the corner of his eye Debbie was still watching him.

“I’ll have dinner ready and waiting,” Justin said eagerly, clutching the key to the loft tightly. This was the first time, since moving out of the loft, that Brian had given him any indication he was any more than a trick.

As Brian left, he smiled at Debbie. “Happy now?”

Debbie scowled at him. “What would make you think that?”

********


Michael and David were meeting friends of David’s for dinner. At the moment, Michael felt he had the best of both worlds. He was seeing Brian every day, which made him happier than he’d ever been and subsequently his life with David was better than ever. Michael knew Brian would never be a twenty four/seven possibility, so David was keeping him company while Brian fucked around. It was better than sitting in the Jeep waiting for Brian like in the old days. Michael hoped eventually, when Brian calmed down… maybe in a few years, they could be together all the time, but for right now, his life had never been better.

David pulled out the chair for Michael to sit.

“Are we early?” Michael smiled.

“I wanted to spend some time alone with you,” David laughed. “I thought we could have a drink before they arrived.”

********


Brian arrived home to candlelight and the smell of something decidedly delicious cooking on the stove. He secretly liked the time he and Justin spent together. Justin was his invention and fantastic in bed. Justin knew all the things he liked and the time they spent together always made for a satisfying night. “Smells good.”

“I made your favorite,” Justin smiled.

Brian raised one eyebrow when he saw the candles and cushions on the floor. “Do you expect us to dine on the floor?”

“There’s nothing wrong with a little atmosphere,” Justin smirked. “Want a beer? I thought we could have wine with dinner, if that’s okay?”

Brian shrugged a yes and tried to not look impressed at the effort Justin had gone to. For some unknown reason, he wasn’t as bothered as he would normally have been by Justin’s personalizing of their encounter.

Justin felt hopeful and a little surprised when Brian was unfazed by his romantic gesture. Ordinarily, Brian would have just thrown him on floor and just fucked his brains out… saying something glib like ‘If the floor was what he wanted, the floor was what he’d get.’ They fucked often, but ever since Brian threw him out of the loft and packed him off to Debbie’s, there’d been a distance between them he just couldn’t cross. For the short time he lived at the loft, Justin had the opportunity to become well acquainted with both Brian’s soft side and his wrath. It was the vulnerable side Justin liked the most and that was the side Brian hid very well. Brian was comfortable showing that side of him to Michael, but even with Lindsay, Brian was strong most of the time. Lindsay knew him well enough to not believe him and called him on whatever it was, but Brian always tried to perpetuate the façade. Only one thing remained constant. Brian liked to hide his feelings.

Brian walked straight up the stairs to his bedroom and changed… meticulously hanging up his clothes the way he always did. He preferred wearing jeans and a tee at home. As he walked back down the stairs, Justin handed him his drink. “Thanks.” Brian took a swig in typical Kinney fashion. “Do you want me on the floor now?” Brian rolled his eyes and flopped down onto the cushions.

“I’ll take you anyway I can get you,” Justin smirked. “But dinner won’t be ready for ten minutes.”

Brian reached out and pulled Justin down on top of him. “Then we have some time to kill.”

Justin laughed. “We only have ten minutes.”

“Then you better get to work,” Brian said smugly.

Justin slid down and opened Brian’s jeans, taking out his cock. He started to fondle the already partially hard appendage and smiled when Brian was fully erect in seconds. As he slipped the now very hard cock into his mouth and tickled the tip with his tongue, Brian moaned loudly. Justin loved to find new ways to make Brian lose control. Brian was like a canvas which instead of responding to paint, responded to pleasure. He’d been with hundreds of guys since Brian found him on Liberty Avenue that night and took him home and fucked him, but none of them even came close to making him feel the way Brian did. Brian’s sighs were getting louder as he hurtled toward his release. Justin didn’t have to wait long before he felt Brian’s body convulse and arch up into his mouth, thrusting his cock deeper, just before the hot, creamy liquid spurted down his throat.

Fuck, Justin was getting too good at this, Brian thought. Every time was different… he was never bored. It constantly amazed him how some guys could be so bad at handling something they had access to all the time. Even if they didn’t know what to do with it, it didn’t take a genius to consider practice may be the ticket. That would never be Justin’s problem. He’d learnt from the master and took to his lessons like a fish to water. Justin knew how to watch his reactions… how to make him hover on the verge of an orgasm until he was sure he would lose his mind. Justin’s range of achievement spanned how to make him come in a frenzy to how to allow the orgasm to take him in waves of slow, never-ending pleasure… and then there were all the shades in between.

Justin tucked Brian back into his pants and pulled him to his feet. “Dinner’s ready. I hope you’re hungry,” he smiled.

Brian grabbed the front of Justin’s cargoes and smirked at his young ward. “I’m always hungry.”

********


Dinner was a prelude to the dessert that came later and as usual, Brian wasn’t disappointed. Even though he usually tried to keep Justin at arms length, each time they spent time together, it became harder to stop Justin slipping under his defenses. Aside from the sex being so hot it sizzled, the quiet times were a surprise. They were peaceful and Brian was amazed he hadn’t noticed how much he looked forward to them before.

Brian looked over and smiled at Justin, who was sleeping. Being with Justin was a lot like the way he felt when he was with Michael. Another thing he hadn’t noticed until now was that he felt warm inside when Justin was beside him too and for someone who wasn’t used to feeling anything, he found it disturbing. It was easy to justify his feelings for Michael. They had been best friends for fifteen years and there was nothing wrong with admitting his feelings for his best friend. What disturbed him the most was the realization that the only difference between being with Michael and being with Justin was that sex with Justin made his heart pound and his head spin and when Justin was close to him, he couldn’t think straight.

One the few occasions he tricked at Babylon, since his secret encounter with his best friend, Brian had fantasized about Michael, but now he’d been with Justin again, he wasn’t thinking about Michael at all.

Brian reached for a condom and rolled it down onto his cock. The only thing in his mind was being inside Justin again and again and again.

********


Justin had the early shift at the diner, so Brian dropped him off and waited to meet Michael for breakfast.

When Michael arrived, Brian was already on his second cup of coffee and his attention was directed on the newspaper in front of him. He ran his hand softly across the back of Brian’s neck as he sat down. “You’re early.”

“Justin had the early shift,” Brian half smiled, but replied without looking up.

Michael wasn’t sure how he felt about Brian still fucking Justin. He knew he would never get monogamy from Brian, but ever since Brian had picked his young ward up that night, it was obvious the twink knew how to press Brian’s buttons. Michael knew better than to allow his jealousy to show. Now, more than ever, it was imperative he not box Brian in. He wanted Brian to be with him because he wanted to and not because of some weird ass sense of responsibility or duty. “Do you have a busy day ahead?” Michael was hoping Brian would have time for them to meet.

Brian looked up, sadly. “Unfortunately, I do. I have meetings all morning, lunch with a client and meetings all afternoon.”

“No problem,” Michael shrugged.

Brian reached behind Mikey’s head and pulled him close. “Sulking… it doesn’t become you. It’ll give you jowls,” he snickered.

“What about tonight?”

“Babylon.”

“That’s right,” Michael smiled. “It’s King of Babylon tonight.”

“Just a bunch of steroid queens running about in their underwear,” Brian said sarcastically as he released Michael’s neck.

“Didn’t you fuck all the contestants last year?” Debbie appeared from nowhere, with the coffee pot in her hand.

Brian rolled his eyes and tapped his cup for Debbie to refill it.

“Are you and David going, baby?” She asked her son.

Michael winced. “I probably will, but it’s on so late and David likes to get to bed early.”

“Yeah,” Brian laughed. “He’s probably got his teeth in a glass by ten.”

Michael glared at his friend. “I’ll have you know David runs five miles before you even get out of bed,” he said defensively. He hadn’t said anything about Justin so why was Brian attacking David?

“I like to get my cardio workouts between the sheets. Besides, he probably wouldn’t come anyway,” Brian shrugged.

“He would if I asked him too.” Michael crossed his arms across his chest.

“Then I’ll see you both there.” Brian threw some money on the table and left. Great, he thought as he was walking out. He had to leave fast because Michael was about to queen out, but this was bullshit. He was only teasing about David and Mikey took everything to heart. “You are such a stupid fuck, Kinney,” Brian muttered to himself as he went out into the street. Why did he push Michael to bring the old codger anyway? They could have been together if David wasn’t there. Now that wasn’t an option… fuck. As much as he appeared to be accepting Mikey with David, in truth, Brian was filled with resentment that Mikey could ever let an old guy like that touch him.

********


As promised, David and Michael met the boys out the front of Babylon. Brian rolled his eyes as Emmett made a big deal about David’s torn jeans. He turned his head away, slipped his arm around Justin and pulled his twink closer. Fuck it, Brian decided. “Let’s go inside.”

Justin liked when Brian held him in public. It was even better when Brian was displaying signs of ownership.

They’d had a good time last night with Brian more relaxed than normally. He’d even begged Justin to rim him and Justin was happy to oblige and more than happy to make it last for hours. He loved the way Brian enjoyed pleasure and immersed himself in it without restriction. It always made Justin’s pleasure even more intense.

Justin had been with Brian enough times to know exactly what his lover liked and how he liked it, and it was his mission to find every conceivable way to make Brian lose control and surrender to him.

Brian stood on the overhead walkway and looked down into the crowd. He was still a little pissed with Mikey because he’d missed their usual tryst today. If Mikey hadn’t bought the good doctor with him tonight, they could have been together. Instead, he had a night of that pompous ass to look forward to.

“How about the real thing?” Justin disturbed Brian from his thoughts by slipping his arms around him from behind. “Let’s go.”

Brian frowned. Why did Justin always have to spoil the chase? Brian liked the dancing and the touching. He liked the passion to build and he particularly liked to call the shots. Justin needed to be reminded he didn’t own him. “Check back with me in an hour.”

Justin released Brian and spun him around to face him. “So, what now I’m a back up plan?” Justin said indignantly. “The one you fuck when there’s no one better around.”

“We’re not a couple,” Brian said firmly. “Michael and David are a couple.” The words almost caught in his throat. “Lindsay and Melanie are a couple… even Ted and what’shisname are a couple.”

“What about us?” Justin objected.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m single,” Brian growled and walked away. No matter how much he wanted to grab Justin and drag him to the back room, he couldn’t. That was the trouble with nights like last night. Justin couldn’t just leave it last night and always put pressure on him the next day. Fuck, he hated this bullshit.

Justin felt like Brian had shoved a knife in his chest. He couldn’t win. Whenever he was sure they were getting closer, Brian would pull away and take ten steps backwards. What had he done wrong now? This was so hard without a copy of the Kinney operating manual. A deep voice jolted Justin from his thoughts.

“What’s with the long face sweetheart?”

Justin looked up and saw the drag queen in charge of the contest, smiling at him. “Nothing,” he said softly.

The drag queen continued staring and waited.

“It’s this guy I’ve been seeing,” Justin shrugged. “He takes me for granted.”

“A walking, wet dream like you?” The queen exclaimed. “You could have anyone you wanted.”

“That’s the part I find so irritating.” Justin shook his head.

“Maybe he needs to know it… maybe everyone needs to know it.” The queen in the floral ball gown grinned.

Justin decided he needed a drink. Perhaps he needed two or three. He found himself a quiet place and proceeded to make a concerted effort to stop the pain he was feeling.

Brian stood at the bar with Michael and David.

“The trouble with this contest is that it exposes the single most tragic flaw of gay culture,” David said sadly.

Brian laughed. That pompous ass was about to share his wisdom. What a jerk? “It exposes more than that, Doc,” he said sarcastically.

David ignored Brian. “That is,” he paused. “Our almost pathological obsession with youth, beauty and smooth muscular bodies.”

Brian shook his head. “I know; what a shame.”

David continued. “And until we break free of our stunted, adolescent values, we’ll always be boys, and never men.”

Brian laughed. “Is that all?”

“I happen to find what David was saying to be profoundly insightful.” Michael defended his lover.

Brian was sick of this. “I find it to be profoundly full of shit. An opinion put forward as true by a bunch of hypocritical, jealous, guilt-ridden, middle aged, frustrated, self loathing, pseudo intellectual fags who wished they were straight.” Brian shrugged.

“So, why don’t you sign up?” David laughed.

“Because I don’t need to dance around in my underwear to get laid,” Brian replied. The disgust in his voice was clearly evident.

“Or maybe,” David paused. “You can’t handle the competition.” He chuckled a few times as he thought about it and then laughed openly.

Brian stared at David in disbelief. Firstly, he couldn’t understand what Michael saw in this idiot and secondly… no, he was still stuck on the first question. He walked past both Mikey and the dickhead and made his way through the crowd.

Michael saw Brian approach the registration table and speak to someone. In all the years he’d known Brian, he’d never known his friend to make a spectacle of himself. “Oh my god, he’s gonna sign up,” Michael gasped.

David shook his head. “No he isn’t.”

“He is,” Michael gasped.

After happily demolishing five drinks, Justin went looking for Brian again. “You said to check back with you in an hour.”

Brian continued to cast his eyes over the crowd. He didn’t want to appear eager. “I still have eight minutes left.” Damn Justin and his perpetual need to push him. Brian was about to go downstairs to find Justin to ask him to dance. To prove his indifference, now he’d need to subject himself to a lousy blowjob by some pathetic fag before they could leave. He noticed a hot candidate who was smiling up at him from the dance floor. Brian immediately smiled back.

“Well, if I was you, I wouldn’t wait too long. By then I may have plans too,” Justin snapped and walked away. Brian could be so irritating, never considering his feelings at all. He stalked back to the bar to have another drink. No matter how Brian treated him, there was no one he wanted more. Shit.

When the Master of Ceremonies announced David as the next contestant, David swung around and glared at Brian. “You asshole,” he muttered.

“I thought you were signing up yourself,” Michael gasped.

Brian leaned back on the bar. “Now why would I want to do that?” Brian said smugly. “You know I find this obsession with youth and abs so appalling.”

“You don’t have to go up there,” Michael said to David as he glared at Brian.

“I have no intention of going up there,” David frowned.

“Thank God, you wouldn’t want to make a fool of yourself, dancing around in your underwear at your age.” Michael didn’t realize just how badly his comment sounded as it came out, but Brian knew. He lifted his hand to his mouth and laughed as the drag queen on the stage continued calling David’s name over and over.

“Don’t worry about it Doc, it was just a joke,” Brian said tongue in cheek. It was good to see the wind knocked out of the wind bag’s sails.

“You think I can’t do it… at my age,” David said slowly and glared at his partner.

When David walked towards the stage, Michael couldn’t believe it, and as David stood in front of the crowd and began to take off his clothes, in time with the music; Brian noticed Michael’s mouth fall open. He wasn’t surprised the Doc had taken up his challenge. As much as Brian didn’t like him for Mikey, that time when he admitted he was at the baths had gained David a modicum of respect in Brian’s eyes. The thing he hadn’t counted on when he decided to pull this prank was Mikey’s reaction to it. He’d secretly harbored the notion that Mikey was with David because he couldn’t be with him, but that wasn’t what he was seeing. Michael was jealous… genuinely jealous of anyone seeing David without his clothes.

Brian had to hand it to the Doc… wind bag he might be, but he could move. Brian clapped and cheered and punctuated the performance with as many lewd sounds as he could… all the time being more distressed inside at the depth at which Mikey’s affection for his partner ran. He didn’t expect this at all. As David came off the stage, after flashing his ass to the crowd, Michael was off after him… leaving Brian standing alone.

Fuck this, Brian thought. He needed to get off and forget all this shit.

Justin gulped down the last mouthful, but when he turned to return to Brian, he noticed his lover nuzzling the ear of the dickhead they saw earlier on the dance floor. With seven doubles under his belt, the decision to dance in the contest was an easy one. He leaned over and whispered in the drag queen’s ear and smiled when a grin exploded across her face. She jumped up onto the stage and gathered the crowd’s attention. “Our next contestant likes the Power Puff girls, margaritas and older men that take him for granted. Put your hands together for Justin.”

The crowd roared when Justin appeared on the stage in a cowboy hat, holster, a bare chest and a fringed vest.

At the mention of Justin’s name, Brian turned to see his lover on show for the crowd. Fuck, fuck, fuck… the word kept repeating over and over in his head. His first impulse was to drag Justin out of there. Was he crazy, making a spectacle of them both that way? Everyone knew Justin was his twink. Fucking teenagers! First Michael made a fool of him and now Justin… what a night. At least everyone wasn’t privy to Mikey choosing that fucking wind bag over him. Thank god for small mercies at least.

Brian leaned back against the bar in disgust. If Justin wanted a bunch of horny fags leering him, that was his choice, but Brian had no desire to watch the fiasco. He turned to the trick beside him and kissed his neck. The world had gone to hell and all that was left was to get off. A passable blowjob would have to suffice. Brian tried to pull the trick into the backroom, but the guy was watching Justin and wanted him to wait.

Fabulous, Brian thought. This night just kept getting better and better.

Brian stood with his back against the bar; his arms folded across his chest as he stared at his young ward up on the stage. If he hadn’t been so angry and the circumstances were different, Brian would have enjoyed Justin’s performance. There was no doubt the boy was talented. The crowd was going wild as Justin bumped and grinded his ass in time to the music. Brian felt his cock stir, but willed it to behave. There was no point in encouraging nonsense like this.

Justin allowed himself to melt into the music. There was a pole on the stage and he pretended it was Brian as he skillfully molded himself around it. The cheers from the crowd were in the background whilst Justin allowed his feelings for Brian to sweep him away and into the music. As the song ended, he glanced at his lover. Fuck, Brian looked pissed... glaring at him.

When they announced his name as the King of Babylon, Justin couldn’t believe it. He’d won. Justin instantly forgot Brian was angry and raced to his lover’s side. “Did you see me?” he asked, excited.

“Yeah, I saw you,” Brian grumbled.

“Well?”

“I think that contest was rigged,” Brian scowled.

The trick smiled at Justin. “You know him?” He asked Brian.

“Yeah, I taught him everything he knows,” Brian said smugly.

“Except how to dance,” Justin frowned. He turned his attention to Brian’s trick. “What’s your name? I’d ask him, only I’m sure he doesn’t know,” Justin said sarcastically.

The trick smiled. The King of Babylon was talking to him. “Sean.”

“You’re hot.” Justin leaned in close. “I was watching you.”

“You were?” the eager trick responded.

Justin nodded and leaned in even closer. “It made me want to fuck all night. You wanna get out of here?”

“You lead,” Sean grinned.

Brian couldn’t believe this. This wasn’t how his night was supposed to go. If Justin hadn’t pushed him, they’d already be back at the loft fucking by now. “I thought we had plans?” Brian called out before he could stop himself.

Justin turned around. “You thought you could do better and I told you I may have plans too,” he shrugged.

The trick slipped his arm around Justin’s waist. “We could have a three way, but he’s kinda old,” Sean said casually. Before the king wanted him, the older guy had looked great, but now, he was the King of Babylon’s first choice and all Sean could think about was Justin.

“And we’re kinda leaving,” Justin said flatly. He refused be anyone’s back up plan… not even Brian’s. He deserved better.

Brian watched his lover disappear into the crowd and looked around to see if anyone had witnessed the exchange. In the distance, he could see Michael taking David to task for his behavior. It was clear Michael was jealous at the attention David was receiving from the other patrons. There was a heated exchange and Michael stormed off… not the behavior of someone who was supposed to be in love with him. Brian waited an acceptable period of time and followed Justin to the back room. He wasn’t sure what he thought he would see as he stared at Justin ramming into the trick, over and over.

Justin was supposed to be with him tonight.

Last night, after hours of Justin rimming him; it took all his self control to not beg Justin to fuck him. He’d beaten himself up all day about it, justifying that everyone felt like cock up their ass periodically. Right now, Brian was grateful he’d hesitated and pulled himself together. He straightened up… this was bullshit…. Tonight was so fucked, Brian thought as he turned and walked away.

********


There were so many ways tonight went wrong. Even though he and David had made peace, Michael knew what Brian would be thinking. Oh well, tomorrow, he’d make peace with Brian too.

Who was he kidding? Brian would be pissed. He hadn’t meant to, but he’d taken David’s side all night and worse… taking David’s side even once would be far too many times for Brian’s liking. Michael knew his friend would be unforgiving. Brian expected his support, but it had happened so fast, he’d done it without thinking. Brian seemed to tolerate his relationship with David and that was good because Michael knew Brian was nowhere near ready to start their life together and this way, with David, he wouldn’t need to be alone. The trouble was… he found himself caring for David more and more. Sure, it wasn’t in the same way he loved Brian. He’d loved Brian for more than half his life and Brian had always taken care of him.

Michael knew, in his own way, Brian loved him, but David openly proclaimed his love. David wasn’t afraid to commit to him and didn’t want their love to be a secret… so much so that David shouted from the rafters that he loved him. Michael knew Brian was incapable of that, even though as far as Michael knew, he was the only man Brian had ever told he loved him. Brian wanted to keep the change in their relationship a secret and he had too, for fear of the ramifications. However, it had been a while since they’d finally consummated their love and Michael had hoped Brian would loosen up and it wouldn’t be long before he was open with everyone. His mistake tonight just about guaranteed Brian would retreat and he’d have to start all over again. As good as it was being with Brian, with David; Michael didn’t need to nurture him along. David didn’t care who knew they were together. In fact, David was proud to be with him. Now Brian and he had fucked, Michael decided he should be able to have Brian and David in his life. He knew David would never share him with Brian, but the question in his mind was… would Brian accept his loyalty going to David, occasionally. Brian wouldn’t expect him to ever lie, but whether Brian would be accepting that his opinion didn’t mirror his own… that was another story.

As David provocatively wriggled his ass for Michael’s benefit, he slowly peeled off his clothes to give his lover a private show.

Michael settled back to enjoy the view.

********


Brian sat in the corridor waiting for news. There was no need to wonder who was responsible… it was his fault … his alone. There were so many thoughts running through his mind. He remembered telling everyone he was going to New York. After coming to the realization that Mikey wasn’t sitting quietly waiting for him, escaping seemed liked the best option. Mikey was his friend and he loved him, but he would never want him as much as he wanted Justin. Even though it hurt him to encourage Michael to go with David to Portland and even though he never expected Mikey to ever go, the fact that he was going told Brian there was no future for them. Bering with Michael was soft and warm… and sex with Mikey was an extension of their love for each other, but when it came to passion…. It was nothing like it was with Justin. It was a good thing their lives were taking them in different directions. As lovers, he and Mikey just weren’t meant to be.

Although he’d put it behind him, Brian was still affected by the way he felt when Justin walked away from him with his trick at Babylon that night.. It wasn’t his ego. It wasn’t his pride. His no apologies, no regrets philosophy had always worked for him, but when Justin mimicked his behavior, Brian was surprised how much it hurt when someone you cared about, walked away from you. When Justin asked him to go as his date to the Prom at St James, naturally he’d said no, but as he glanced back and saw Justin’s face, he remembered what it felt like when Justin had rejected him the night of the King of Babylon contest. Turning thirty just made it worse. He must have lost his mind to have gone to Justin’s Prom. What did he think was gonna happen? That was just it, he hadn’t thought. He wanted to make Justin happy and instead he’d almost gotten him killed.

Brian felt Mikey sit beside him, but continued staring blankly into space. The night Gus was born came into his mind. He could still see them running through the corridors on the way to Lindsay’s room. Justin was so alive and that night marked the beginning of a new life for him. He hadn’t embraced it easily, but Justin kept chipping away at his life until there was a place in his heart reserved only for Justin. Brian clutched the end of the blood soaked scarf around his neck. The boy fighting for his life was the only person Brian had ever wanted to please and he vowed to never be responsible for anyone ever again.

Michael could see how much pain Brian was in, but when he tried to comfort him, Brian whispered. “Don’t. Just be my friend,” he said softly.

Michael nodded.

In the days that followed, Brian refused to leave the hospital, but kept a low profile to the point where no one except Michael knew he was there. He couldn’t leave until he was sure Justin would live and when the word came that Justin would recover, but would need extensive rehabilitation, Michael left for Portland.

Brian visited the hospital at night when everyone else was gone. To check his progress and even though Justin was sleeping, Brian watched him for hours. Everyone hounded him to visit Justin and he refused, but after tricking and drugging every night, Brian always watched Justin sleep until the morning when he would disappear again and pretend he had never been there. He swore all the night staff to secrecy, threatening if they exposed him he would stop coming. His friends thought he was a selfish asshole, but to the hospital staff that came in contact with him night after night, his love for Justin was every bit as obvious as the fact that Brian Kinney was in pain.

Months passed and everything stayed the same until one night, when Brian arrived at his usual time of midnight, he went to Justin’s room and he found it empty. Panic flooded through him and he ran down the corridor to the nurse’s station. “Where is he?” Brian panted, out of breath.

“He was released today,” the nurse smiled. “He’s at home.”

Brian was stunned. Justin wasn’t ready to go home yet. “But he’s….”

“We’ve done all we can for him here. He needs time to heal.”

Brian wasn’t sure if he wanted Justin to still be at the hospital for Justin or for him. How would he see him now? There was no way Jennifer Taylor would let him anywhere near her son. Brian turned and walked away.

*********


Michael watched Brian leave the hospital. Since he’d left David and returned from Portland, he’d been hopeful he could renew his relationship with Brian, but after following Brian for the last three nights and seeing he spent all his time at the hospital, Michael knew Brian was in love with Justin. The way Brian left the hospital, Michael knew he was heartsick at the idea of not seeing Justin anymore. The realization that he and Brian could never pick up where they left off hit him hard and he walked for hours, wrestling to come to terms with his feelings.

It was almost four in the morning when Michael rang the intercom to Brian’s loft and almost another fifteen minutes before Brian answered.

“What?” Brian snapped.

“It’s me,” Michael said softly. The buzzer sounded and Michael pushed the entry door open. When he reached the loft door, it was already open and Michael found Brian on his bed, smoking. He walked slowly up the stairs and lay, fully clothed, beside Brian. He reached across, took the joint from Brian’s hand and took a deep drag, filling his lungs with smoke before passing it back and exhaling. “You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Brian replied flatly.

“Why indeed?” Michael said softly. “I’m not going back to Portland.”

“I know,” Brian said almost as softly.

Michael turned and rested his head on Brian’s chest and was relieved when he felt Brian’s arms around him. He hoped Brian would tear off his clothes and make love to him, but Brian just held him tightly. As much as he wanted Brian, Michael knew Brian was in love with Justin now. “You should tell him.”

“Who?”

“Justin.”

“Tell him what?”

“How you feel,” Michael sighed.

“I don’t feel anything. I’m Brian Kinney, remember?”

Michael lifted his head and looked into Brian’s eyes. “Don’t even try that shit with me. I know better.”

“So now you’re back, are we supposed to….”

“We’re friends, remember?”

“I won’t promise anyone anything,” Brian sighed. The pain he was feeling was almost too much to stand, but having Mikey with him helped somehow.

“I’m here for you,” Michael whispered. “I don’t expect anything from you.”

Brian was sick of feeling numb. He wanted to feel warm inside again. He wanted to feel something. Brian closed his eyes as Michael opened his shirt and kissed his chest. “Don’t let me hurt you,” Brian sighed.

“Just keep your eyes closed,” Michael whispered, knowing full well Brian was pretending he was Justin. He didn’t mind. Brian needed him.

********


The next morning, Michael opened his eyes and heard Brian in the shower. His body ached. At first, Brian had just laid there and let him make love to him. It was soft and gentle and he could feel Brian thawing until he transformed into a madman who had fucked Michael to within an inch of his life. Each time Michael looked at Brian, his eyes were tightly closed and Michael knew his friend was making love to Justin, if only in his mind. They hadn’t slept much, but in the short time they had, Brian had awoken on two occasions in a cold sweat, screaming from his nightmares. Michael held Brian till he stopped shaking and fell asleep again before the situation occurred again. If he’d been having dreams like that since Justin’s bashing, no wonder Brian chose to stay awake.

Michael climbed out of bed and dressed quickly. He heard the buzzer on the coffee machine sound and went downstairs to pour the coffee.

Brian walked downstairs in a towel and reached for the coffee Michael had poured him. It had been a long night, but at least he’d slept some. He felt guilty using Michael that way. Brian took a few mouthfuls and smiled. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure,” Michael smiled.

“Ah,” Brian laughed. “That too. Are you really back for good?”

“Yep,” Michael shrugged.

Brian nodded. He resisted the urge to say ‘I told you so’. He knew it would never work out with the Doc. David was a pompous windbag who regardless of how much he said he loved Mikey, really only loved controlling Mikey and being adorned by Mikey. Mikey deserved better. Brian stopped. Mikey deserved better than someone fucking him and thinking about someone else too. Mikey deserved a future. “I can’t do forever,” Brian said softly.

“I don’t want forever. I just want right now,” Michael smiled. He stepped forward and took the cup from Brian’s hand. “Can you do right now?”

Brian nodded. He would always love Mikey. He would always love him forever, but he couldn’t give Mikey his heart completely and his friend deserved completely.

“I know you love him and that’s okay. He loves you too.”

“I almost got him killed,” Brian whispered.

“It wasn’t your fault, Brian.”

“Yeah, right,” Brian said sarcastically. “Well, it’s a moot point now because I’m never gonna see him again.”

“That’s crazy,” Michael scoffed. “Justin doesn’t blame you.”

“How could he not blame me? He almost died,” Brian said sadly.

“He doesn’t. I’ve seen him twice now and all he can talk about is why you haven’t been to see him. He loves you, Brian.”

Brian didn’t react, but his heart leapt. He quickly checked himself. He couldn’t allow himself to get his hopes up. No matter how much Justin cared for him, Justin’s mother would never allow him to be with her son and Brian didn’t blame her. Whether he meant to or not, Justin had in fact almost died because of his thoughtlessness and there was no guarantee something like that would never happen again if they were together. He was a thoughtless person and Justin was safer as far away from him as possible. “It’s over and I don’t want to talk about this again,” Brian said coldly.

Michael could see Brian was totally shut down and decided to save his breath. When Brian was like this, there was no getting through to him. As much as he secretly wished he and Brian would be together, Michael knew Brian loved Justin and that meant he would never truly have Brian’s heart. Michael stepped forward and wound his arms around Brian’s waist, flicking his towel loose. “Then I guess we’re better not to talk,” he shrugged and kissed Brian’s neck.

********


The last two weeks with Mikey had been great. The nightmares were still a problem, but at least Mikey held him until he fell asleep again and when he did fall asleep, he didn’t go straight back into the same nightmare again.

It was always the same. No matter how much sooner he started running, the sound of the bat still collecting the side of Justin’s head rang in his mind… and then the blood… there was always so much blood.

“Brian, are you okay?” Cynthia asked.

“Why?” Brian looked at her puzzled.

“You’ve broken into a sweat.”

Brian wiped his forehead. Fuck. Now he was having it while he was awake too. “I think I should go home,” Brian said softly.

“I’ll cancel your afternoon appointments. Get some rest and stay in bed tomorrow if you need to.”

“Thanks.” Brian threw a few things into his briefcase, picked up his computer and left for the day. He dialed Mikey as he climbed into the car. “I’m leaving the office early.”

“How come?” Michael asked, surprised. Brian never left early. “Are you okay?”

“Meet me at the loft.” Brian closed his cell.

********


Pretending everything was okay wasn’t working. Now he was having the dream when he was awake. Fuck. Brian wasn’t sure he could keep doing this. Being with Mikey was safe and warm, and it was good. It was, but it wasn’t all he wanted. He still wanted Justin.

It wasn’t fair to Mikey either. They were starting to be a couple. Ughhhh. They spent all their time together and were virtually living together now. Being with Mikey was best. They’d always joked about ending up in Palm Springs together anyway. Brian hoped he would stop thinking about Justin soon. It was good between him and Mikey. It was… So, how come he couldn’t get Justin out of his head?

Michael was waiting for him when he arrived home. “Are you sick?”

“Being sick is the legacy of being a Kinney.” Brian rolled his eyes. “I had that fucking dream again in the middle of a meeting.”

“You should talk to someone,” Michael frowned.

“I’m talking to you.”

“Someone who knows what they’re talking about, Brian,” Michael moaned.

“I’m okay. They’ll stop eventually. I’m gonna take a shower.” Brian kissed Michael on the cheek as he passed him.

Michael was worried. Brian wasn’t getting better, he was getting worse and he had to do something. He picked up the phone and dialed. “It’s Michael. How is he?”

Jennifer Taylor sighed loudly. “He’s awake if you want to talk to him?”

“Thanks Jen,” Michael smiled. He heard her yell Justin’s name and a few minutes later, Justin spoke into the phone.

“Hey Michael.”

“How are you?”

“How is he?” Justin asked.

“Not so good,” Michael said softly.

“What’s the matter with him?”

“He misses you… although he would never admit it,” Michael sighed.

“Why hasn’t he been to see me?” Justin asked.

“He blames himself for what happened.”

“It wasn’t his fault. I don’t blame him, Michael.”

“I know that, but you know Brian. He takes responsibility for everything. He needs to see you, Justin. Can you get out?”

“Mom is driving me crazy and I could use a break. I’ll call Daphne. Should I come to the loft?”

“No, let’s make this a chance meeting… Woody’s in two hours. I gotta warn you though,” he paused. ‘I don’t know what he’ll do when he sees you, but he needs to, Justin,” Michael admitted.

“I need to see him too,” Justin sighed.

Michael heard Brian come out of the shower. “See you later.” He hung up quickly.

Brian appeared at the top of the stairs in a towel, “Are you coming up?”

“I thought we could go to Woody’s,” Michael suggested.

“I don’t feel like going out.” Brian shrugged.

“We can’t just stay here all the time, Brian,” Michael sighed.

Brian hesitated. “I thought you liked staying at home.” He felt a little hurt that Michael would rather be somewhere else.

Michael walked up the stairs and pushed Brian backwards onto the bed. “I do like staying here with you, but every now and again I feel like going out too.” He climbed on top of Brian and kissed him hard, grinding their cocks together until Brian was breathless and out of control.

Brian rolled them over until he was on top. “We’ll go out later,” Brian panted and hungrily devoured Michael’s mouth.

********


Justin tentatively walked into Woody’s and looked around for Brian. He frowned when he realized Brian wasn’t there. It had taken all his strength to do this. Ever since the bashing, he was scared all the time… Scared of crowds, scared of people, scared, scared, scared. He hated feeling this way. The idea of seeing Brian was so appealing that he hadn’t thought this through. What was he supposed to do now? Brian wasn’t here. Fuck.

“Aren’t you the guy who was bashed?”

Justin felt claustrophobic as the crowd closed in around him. “Get away from me… get back!” Justin begged.

Michael and Brian strolled into Woody’s. A crowd was huddled in one of the corners and Michael saw a terrified Justin immediately. “Give him some room,” Michael demanded and parted the crowd. “Justin, it’s me, Michael.”

Justin turned, relieved to hear Michael’s voice, but as he did, he saw a stunned Brian standing with his mouth open.

“Are you just gonna stand there?” Michael demanded. “Brian!”

Brian’s feet felt like they were encased in cement. He couldn’t move. It had been a month since Justin was released from the hospital and a month since he’d seen him. Brian wanted to run cross the room and scoop Justin into his arms, but he couldn’t move.

“Brian!” Michael’s voice jolted him out of his stupor. “Help me get him out of here.” He pushed Justin in Brian’s direction and as Justin stood near him, Brian’s arms automatically wound protectively around him.

Justin closed his eyes and clung to Brian, and for the first time in months, Michael noticed Brian’s eyes were open.

“Let’s take him home.”

Brian nodded and they walked out into the street. Michael hailed a cab and Brian was surprised when Michael told the driver to go to the loft. He didn’t say anything… knowing Michael had set him up. Brian was confused. Why was Mikey doing this to him? Mikey loved him. Brian knew that, but why would Mikey want to open up his wounds with Justin again? He and Justin were done and he was with Mikey now.

When the cab reached the loft, Michael told Brian he was going to see his mother for a while. “You need to talk to him,” he whispered to Brian as Justin climbed out of the car.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Brian said quickly.

“Then tell him that and we’ll move on from here.” He kissed Brian on the cheek and shoved him out of the cab. Michael knew Brian could never tell Justin goodbye.

Michael was giving the man he loved his freedom. He wanted Brian to be happy and for Brian to be truly happy, he needed Justin… even if he didn’t know it yet.

Complete