Shadows
Chapter One
Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, AU Drama, Romance
Warnings: None
Summary: Molly is the new star of the advertising world when Brian takes her under his wing. She and Brian become friends and Molly constantly talks about Brian to her brother Justin who lives in Europe. When Justin comes for a visit, he falls for Molly's handsome boss but something from Brian's past stands as a barrier between them. Plot bunny by Judy.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.
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Brian was doing the final check before his two thirty appointment arrived. “Cynthia,” he called out again.
Cynthia looked up from her work. She wondered why Brian was so skittish today. He was driving her crazy. She didn’t bother to answer the intercom, instead, opting to go into Brian’s office in person. “Yes,” she smiled.
“I can’t find the costs schedule,” he sighed.
“Page 16.”
“It isn’t here,” Brian insisted.
Cynthia sighed. She walked over to his desk and took the document from his hands, turning to page 16 and of course it was there. “It must have been stuck to the page before it,” she smiled. She sat down and looked at her boss. “What’s wrong?”
Brian sighed. That was the third time he had done that to her in the last hour. “Nothing.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” she smiled.
Brian sighed. “What date is it?”
“The twenty first.”
“Of what?”
“May, oh shit, Brian, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. Are you okay?” she asked.
“What do you think?” he shrugged.
“Do you want me to cancel the presentation?”
“No, I’m okay but every year it still knocks me around a bit, that’s all. I think its better each year but the day comes around and it’s still the same,” he sighed. “It’s an easy presentation, I’ll get through it.”
Cynthia looked at her boss. He was slumped over his desk with bloodshot eyes. He looked like hell. “I don’t think so.” She made an executive decision. She picked up his phone and buzzed one of the new account execs. “Molly, can you come to Brian’s office?”
“I can do it,” Brian said stubbornly.
“I know you can but you aren’t going to,” she replied just as stubbornly. “You are going home and I am canceling your appointments tomorrow too. Have a long weekend”
Brian sighed. “It’s worse when I’m home by myself.”
“Then call past the baths and take someone home with you,” she smiled.
“Sex is the last thing I feel like.”
“Then pretend that it isn’t,” Cynthia laughed. She looked up at a knock on the door. “Yes?”
Molly Taylor appeared in the open doorway. “You wanted me Cyn? Hello Mr. Kinney,” she smiled.
“It’s Brian.”
Molly smiled.
He handed her the file. “This is the Kitty Time Kat Food file. I want you to do the presentation for me at two thirty. It’s only a renewal.”
Molly smiled. “Sure,” she said excited. “Will you be sitting in?”
“No, I’m out of the office till Monday. In fact Cyn, give Molly my client appointments tomorrow. There you go girl, show me what you can do,” Brian laughed. This kid was bright, he liked her.
Molly looked thrilled. “I won’t let you down,” she promised.
“If you weren’t good you wouldn’t be here,” Brian smiled. Molly was a breath of fresh air. She was young and eager to succeed, the way he was when he first started in the industry. Every day was exciting and new, another obstacle to overcome, a new client to secure, he’d been so keen when he and Cam……..”
Cynthia printed Molly a copy of Brian’s calendar.
Molly looked at the meetings back to back after the presentation and tomorrow as well. Fuck, she thought. This was her big chance to show Brian what she could do. She wasn’t about to let him know, his day was a challenge. “That looks great,” she smiled. “Can I just have the files?”
“Use my office, that way everything is here for you,” Brian smiled.
The bosses work and his office, life couldn’t get much better than this, Molly thought.
Brian stood up saying, “I will leave you both to it. I’ll call you later Cyn and check in.” He’d objected when Cyn suggested he leave but in reality he knew that he wasn’t any good for anyone right now. Brian took the elevator to the car park and climbed into his Porsche. He drove home slowly. He wasn’t prepared to take a chance on anything today. Cyn was right; home was the best place for him. Brian laughed to himself when he thought about her suggestion about the baths. Maybe one day, dropping past and picking up ‘take out’ would have been a forgone conclusion but that was a long time ago. His reputation of being a stud faded as he reluctantly made the journey towards middle age. He’d been happy to leave it all behind, that was until Cam…. He shook off the unpleasant memory. He knew he had to stop doing this to himself. Cam was gone and odds were he would live another twenty years or so. He wondered when it was customary to be able to move on. It had been six years and it felt like it was yesterday. Brian sighed; he still missed him like crazy. “Damn you Cam Winston for leaving me,” he muttered. At least when he was an ass and treated people like shit he was happy. Cam changed him into someone who gave a fuck and then he was gone.
He opened the garage door, drove in and parked. Home, he sighed. Okay, now what Kinney? As he walked through the house, Brian peeled off his clothes, dropping them as he went. Komiko could get them later. A shower, just what the doctor ordered, he smiled.
An hour later, he was lying by the pool getting some sun.
“Mr. Brian. I didn’t know you were home,” Komiko said, startled to see him.
Brian looked over his shades and smiled. “I’m off work till Monday; I thought I would just lie around here.”
She smiled. “Have you eaten? Of course not,” she answered her own question. “I’ll get you a snack and have dinner ready early.” She darted to the kitchen before Brian could object.
He smiled. Komiko had been force feeding him for eight years. He couldn’t do without her. One of the happiest days of his life was the day Cam hired her. She was like the mother he’d never had. She took care of him, fussed over him, chastised him when he needed it and understood the times when he needed her to stay quiet. She started out on the minimum but Brian had given her so many raises over the years that she was the best paid housekeeper in the northern hemisphere. He never regretted a single one. She was worth every dime. When he lost Cam, Brian took to his bed for weeks. If it wasn’t for Komiko, he would have just lay there and died. Sometimes he wondered if that wouldn’t have been preferable. What kind of life did he have now anyway? He worked and he came home, that was it. Brian decided that he would never leave himself vulnerable to the same circumstances ever again. What was the point of opening up and letting someone in if they weren’t gonna hang around and be with you?
Komiko hurried towards him with a tray.
“Eat this Mr. Brian,” she smiled. “Dinner will be at six.”
Brian took the tray and thanked her. He knew if he didn’t eat, her demeanor would turn from a sweet, sensitive, caring soul into that of a raving, nagging woman and he tried to avoid that at all cost these days. He ate his sandwich and sipped on the ice tea. When he finished, he felt better. There was definitely something to the propaganda that food needed to be ingested regularly. Brian laid back and closed his eyes. He wanted to try and enjoy the sun while he still could.
********
Molly was having a bobby dazzler of a day. Finally something she could sink her teeth into. She was excited at the prospect of showing Brian what she could do. At the end of the day, Cynthia invited her for a drink. They sat sipping Breezers in the outdoor courtyard of the bar across the road.
“You did a great job, Mol. Brian will be very impressed,” Cyn smiled.
“Thanks Cyn, that means a lot coming from you.”
“I’m only the great man’s assistant,” she laughed.
“Behind every great man there is a very organized woman,” Molly smiled. “How long have you worked with Brian?”
“Fifteen years in August,” Cynthia replied. “Some days it feels longer than others,” she laughed. “Brian is hard but he’s the best.”
“What was his Dad like?”
“His Dad?”
“Wasn’t his father Winston Kinney? I just naturally thought that it was a family business.”
Cynthia sighed. “Brian was twenty eight when he and his friend Cam Winston started the agency. Cam died in 1999, actually, today is the sixth anniversary of his death.”
Suddenly it made sense why Brian looked so awful when she saw him today. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Brian still struggles with it. Most of the time he’s fine but on the anniversary, it’s difficult for him.”
“Were they very close?”
“Inseparable, they went to college together and then worked together until they were established, then they started the agency. Brian was devastated when he was killed.”
“Killed?”
“Cam was the life of any party. He was mischievous and exciting and a barrel of laughs. Everyone loved him including Brian. It took a long time for them to get together but when they did, it was Kismet. They had three years and they were deliriously happy. Cam liked to drink and party hard but one day, Cam had too much to drink at dinner and as they walked from the restaurant to the car, he stepped onto the road and was killed by a truck. Brian saw it happen. For a while I didn’t think Brian would get through it but Brian’s Brian and he did…. Well sort of did.”
“It would be difficult for something like that not to affect you.”
“Brian changed his whole life when he and Cam got together. He used to be a real player but he settled into their life together happily and then one day, Cam was gone. Brian was lost, he still is really. It’s been six years and there’s been no one.”
“How old is Brian?”
“He’s forty three; he is amazing, isn’t he?” Cynthia smiled.
“He looks like he’s in his early thirties,” Molly gasped.
“I told you he was amazing,” she laughed. “I’ll be ninety and he’ll still only look forty.”
********
Brian took up his position by the pool in the morning. There wasn’t anything he wanted to do, except maybe to make the time to pass faster. Another day to sit and think about Cam, great, he thought. Brian closed his eyes.
The pillow flew across the room and hit Brian in the head. “Hey,” he looked up annoyed and threw the pillow onto the floor.
“I’ve been trying to talk to you and you’re ignoring me,” Cam complained.
“Of course I’m fucking ignoring you; I have a final in two days. I don’t have time to fuck around,” Brian growled. “Shouldn’t you be studying too?”
Cam screwed up his face. “I don’t know why you get so wound up around exams, it always works out the way it’s supposed to,” he shrugged.
Brian shook his head. “Cam, I have a scholarship. If I don’t keep my grades up, I could lose it.”
“You won’t lose it, you always pass, Brian. You have never failed anything in your life,” Cam laughed.
Brian reached down and threw the pillow back at Cam. “Because I always study and don’t take any chances,” he growled.
Cam crossed the floor and sat beside Brian. “You have to eat, you know, brain chemicals and that sort of shit,” Cam laughed.
“I was going to take a break soon,” Brian admitted.
Cam slipped his arm around Brian. I could grab you something so it’s ready when you are, to take a break,” he smiled.
Brian rolled his eyes; he knew what was coming next. “So what would I do with the rest of my break time?”
“Me,” Cam smiled.
Brian shook his head. “Cam we’ve talked about that before. You are my best friend and I want you to always be my best friend. Fucking you will not help the cause any,” he sighed.
Cam shrugged. “Thought I may catch you in a weak moment,” he laughed.
Brian laughed to. He kissed Cam softly. “I love you, Cam, but you know how I am and if we fuck, you’ll end up hating me.”
“I know, I know, you are an asshole and you love me too much to be an asshole to me,” he sighed.
Brian laughed. “Exactly.”
“So, let’s eat then,” Cam smiled.
“Good plan,” Brian laughed again. He stood up and they went to the cafeteria.
Brian and Cam were friends in high school. When they were both accepted to the same college, it only made sense that they room together. It was only then; Brian discovered that Cam had a crush on him. Cam didn’t say anything but Brian could tell. It wasn’t obvious at first, it happened gradually. Times when he would just be wearing a towel after he showered and he would find Cam looking at him or when Cam would sulk, if Brian brought a trick home and fucked him, began to happen more frequently until one night Cam climbed into bed with him. It wasn’t that Cam wasn’t gorgeous, he was, but Brian valued his friendship above a casual fuck. Brian had a strict ‘no repeats policy’, so if he fucked Cam, their friendship would be over. He didn’t want to lose Cam; he cared about him too much. In the middle of the second year, Cam made his appearance in Brian’s bed. It scared the hell out of him. The fear of losing his best friend was overwhelming. Difficult as it was, he pried Cam’s hand off his cock and sat up.
“Are you crazy?”
“When it comes to you, I am,” Cam smiled and tried again but Brian stopped him.
“You want me to fuck you, even if I don’t want to,” Brian sighed. “Does our friendship, mean so little to you that you would throw it away for five minutes of my cock in your ass,” Brian dropped his head. He was devastated. He thought Cam was really his friend. “Fine, I’ll give you what you want. Let’s get it over with, roll over,” Brian frowned.
Cam stopped trying to grope him and looked startled. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to show you how important you were to me, Brian. You’re the best friend I ever had.”
“If I fuck you, it will be over. We won’t be able to be friends anymore. We won’t be able to hang out or anything. You think that fucking will make us closer, it won’t,” Brian threw his hands up. “I have something with you now that I could never have with a trick. You’re my best friend.”
“I’m sorry,” Cam sighed.
Brian smiled. “That’s okay, now get the fuck out of my bed before I do fuck you,” he laughed.
Cam smiled and returned to his own bed. “What time is the game tomorrow?”
“Four,” Brian sighed. Damn it now he felt like fucking. He threw the covers back and started to dress.
“What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night.”
“I’ll be back later and Cam, don’t do that again,” Brian warned as he let himself out.
Cam smiled. “One day, Brian, one day.” He pulled up the covers, smiling.
That night was never mentioned again and if Brian was naked, Cam generally ignored him until he dressed. Brian was relieved that his friendship with Cam was unscathed.
Towards the end of the third year, occasionally Cam would make a remark but on the whole, everything was fine. They played soccer together and socialized together. Cam watched Brian fuck hundreds of different guys and rarely seemed affected. For Cam, however, there were very few guys. It wasn’t because he wasn’t approached all the time, he was, he just wasn’t interested. He got off when he had to but most of the time he just partied. It was in the last year of college that he started to drink heavily. He had it under control, his grades never suffered. Brian was so busy studying and by the end of most nights, he was off fucking someone, he didn’t notice. It was normal for Cam to be asleep when Brian came in and by the morning, Cam had slept it off.
After they graduated, Brian went to work for small agency, while Cam went to work for a large firm. There, his drinking went unnoticed. Everyone was doing it. In two years, Cam was promoted to Business Manager. He was damn good at what he did.
Brian made it to Senior Accounts Exec in three years and then moved to a larger firm. He was just one of the execs there but it was three times the size of his old firm and the experience was invaluable.
They shared an apartment but rarely saw each other, apart for Tuesday and Thursday nights. Brian would come home early and they would have dinner together and watch a movie before Brian went out at eleven. They still had a year before they could put their plan into action. They saved like crazy; starting their own agency would be expensive. Brian still clubbed every night but the money he spent was never more than Cam spent on booze, so again his problem wasn’t noticed. Brian fucked his way through the next three years but two months before they planned to go out on their own, Cam met someone. He’d pined for Brian all his life until he met Jake Adler.
Jake was the image of Brian in looks, confidence and success but the only discernable difference was….. He wanted to settle down and be with Cam. He moved in with them, it was like they were living alone. Brian was never there except for Tuesday and Thursday for a few hours. The rest of the time, they had the place to themselves.
A few people noticed the similarities between Jake and Brian but Cam would laugh and say that he was lucky because he had a friend and a lover that met his tastes exactly. For the first time in his life Cam was really happy, he still had Brian but now he had Jake. He all but stopped drinking.
They found their location and started their agency. They called it Winston Kinney because the other way around was too weird. Jake was in public relations, so in no time, they were one of the most talked about agencies around. Brian had been in the industry six years now and some of the clients, who were out of contract, followed him.
Cam happily managed the running of the business leaving anything to do with clients and the creative process to Brian. The first employee was Cynthia North, an executive assistant with an advertising background. She did some work for Cam but she and Brian hit it off immediately. They were a formidable team, stealing accounts from the big players and growing Winston Kinney, fast.
By the end of the first year they were the size of the first agency Brian worked for when he left college. By the third, they were a force to be reckoned with.
It was September 1993 when Jake found out he was sick.
Cam was devastated. Apart from the idea of one day losing his partner, Jake had hidden that he was positive and Cam felt betrayed and deceived. Jake was anal about protection. Cam accepted this as one of his lover’s quirks. He knew now, it was more than a quirk. It was nearly a month later when Cam finally confided in Brian.
Brian had noticed that things were strained between Cam and Jake but he was busy at work and it really wasn’t any of his business. They fought every night and a few times Cam was on the sofa when Brian came home. Jake was distant and moody. He knew it was wrong to hide his condition from his partner but he was so healthy and always so careful. He would never have done anything to put Cam at risk, except not tell him and that was Cam’s problem. He understood that Jake was afraid when they first got together but it was three years of deception and lack of trust that Cam struggled with. Three years of thinking that he had someone he loved and who loved him and three years of thinking that finally he would be happy.
When Cam finally told Brian and explained the way he felt, he went on and on. He described his feelings of betrayal while Brian just stood staring at him. How could he have known someone for so long and not really know them at all?
Cam could see Brian had something on his mind.
“Do you love him?” Brian asked.
“Of course I love him, why do you think I am so upset, he lied to me,” Cam wailed.
“Sit down,” Brian ordered, his patience at an end.
“What?” he flopped down on the sofa
“Are you crazy?” Brian asked.
“Me? I didn’t do the wrong thing,” Cam objected. “I’ve just spent three years with someone and it was a lie.”
“Cam, Jake shouldn’t have lied to you but that’s only one issue. Did he ever have unprotected sex with you?”
“You know how weird he is about that sort of stuff. He wouldn’t even let me blow him without a condom,” Cam sighed. “And thank god for that,” he huffed. “At least the ridiculous amount of condoms we go through makes sense now.”
Brian shook his head. There was never such a thing as too many condoms. “Listen to me,” he grabbed Cam and shook him. “Are you listening to me?”
“Yes, I’m listening to you,” he said startled that Brian was being so aggressive with him.
“His deception aside, do you still love him?”
“Of course I love him, why do you think I’m so angry with him.” he spat.
“This isn’t about you. Do you get that, it isn’t about you, it’s about Jake and if you love him the way you say you do, you would realize that. He’s just found out he’s sick and you are bitching about your hurt feelings. When did you find out?”
“A month ago.”
“So you just stole a month from him with all you’re whining about yourself, well that proves how much you love him.”
Cam stopped.
“Well,” Brian yelled.
Cam had never seen Brian so angry with him before. He wasn’t wrong. Suddenly he realized what Brian was saying. He needed to talk to Jake. He didn’t say a word just disappeared into his bedroom.
Jake was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.
“Are you okay?” a redundant question but Cam knew his behavior had been insensitive at best.
“Why?” Jake said coldly.
“Because I’m worried about you,” Cam said softly. “I love you Jake.”
Jake looked at his lover and his eyes swelled with tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m sorry too.” They hugged and cried for hours.
Cam wiped away Jake’s tears, when he finally couldn’t cry anymore. “You aren’t sick yet. You are healthy and in wonderful condition. We need to keep you that way,” he smiled. The more time Jake put into looking after himself, the better he would be.
Jake nodded.
Cam devoted himself to Jake and life went on, such as it was. Cam thought Jake was coping well. He was positive and upbeat about everything, looking forward to their future together or so Cam thought. Jake went to visit his parents for their anniversary. Cam was supposed to go with him but Jake said he wanted to spend some time with his parents alone. Cam received the phone call at work. It was 9.22 am, 24th January 1996.
Cynthia raced into Brian’s office. “Something is wrong with Cam; he’s going crazy and tearing up his office.”
Brian jumped to his feet, the file on his lap, fell to the floor. He ran down the corridor and burst into the room with Cynthia, hot on his trail. The room was in pieces. Cam had swept everything from his desk onto the floor. The paintings usually on the wall were smashed and in pieces, the sofa upturned. There were papers strewn everywhere and Cam in the middle of it destroying everything he could get his hands on. “What the fuck are you doing?” Brian roared but Cam was unresponsive and continued smashing things. Brian ran into the room to restrain him but caught a left hook to his eye. He careered back in shock. He looked at Cynthia. “Call an ambulance,” he yelled.
The paramedics came and sedated Cam. Brian had never seen him like this before. At the hospital, they decided to admit him for observation. Cam didn’t say a word. Brian called Jake from the hospital to tell him about Cam and spoke to his father. He told Brian that Jake had hung himself last night and they phoned Cam to tell him this morning. Suddenly Cam’s behavior made sense. Brian explained the circumstances to the doctor but Cam was already heavily sedated. He sat holding his friend’s hand all night.
He wondered what was going through Jake’s mind when he decided to end his life. Jake’s father said he’d left letters for all of them and he would send theirs up by messenger tomorrow. The funeral would be in three days to allow some of the family who had to travel, time to make arrangements. They wanted to bury Jake close to them if Cam didn’t mind.
Brian took Cam home in the morning and Cynthia took charge of the office. Cam wouldn’t speak; he just sat staring into space. Brian spoke to the counselor from the hospital. He’d never had to deal with anything like this before and didn’t know what to do. Cam wouldn’t speak or eat or wash, he just sat there staring into space.
They drove up for the funeral and Cam remained in a daze all the way there and throughout the service. Jake's parents invited a few people back to the house afterwards. Brian stayed close to his friend. Cam couldn’t even manage to move from one place to another without it being at Brian’s instigation.
Jake’s parents were suffering but despite their pain they were desperately worried about Cam. They knew their son loved him very much and by Cam’s condition, there was no doubt he felt the same way.
The next morning, they were driving back. Brian steered Cam into the car and spoke to Jake’s dad.
“I wish he would snap out of it,” Brian said.
“We all handle our grief in different ways. After I read my letter from Jake, some of the pain was gone. I’ll always be angry that he took his life that way but reading the way he felt, at least now I can give it some closure,” Mr. Adler smiled. “Mary is struggling, Jake was her baby, but we’ll get through this, we have to. Maybe he should see someone, Brian.”
Brian patted Mr. Adler’s hand and said goodbye. Neither of them had read their letters yet. Cam didn’t even acknowledge it when Brian showed it to him and he just didn’t have time with everything that was going on. Brian spoke to Cynthia and things were under control at work but it had been six days since Brian had been to the office and Cam was showing no signs of being any better. This was new to him.
Being responsible if someone ate and bathed and slept was a foreign concept to Brian and Cam was certainly in no condition to do those things for himself. Brian wondered if he should be hospitalized. Cam hadn’t spoken a word in eight days.
Brian put Cam to bed and sat on the sofa wondering what to do next. He’d spoken to the counselor and he suggested that Cam would snap out of it when he was able. At the moment, his unresponsiveness was his coping mechanism. He would work through it in his own time and when he was ready to talk, the counselor was more than willing to see him. He checked and Cam was asleep. He picked up Jake’s letter to him from the coffee table. Brian hoped that Cam would see his letter there and want to read it but that hadn’t happened. Brian tore open the envelope and pulled the single page out to read it.
Dear Brian,
I suppose if you are reading this, I really followed through this time and did it. It’s been on my mind for a while now and I’ve written this letter quite a few times before. Each time, when my courage lets me down, I persist for a while longer until the next time I’m feeling brave enough to try again.
You, of all people, should understand. I have no desire to watch my body decay and for Cam to be forced to watch me slowly fade away. I want him to remember the person that he loved the way I am now.
I know he’ll be sad for a while, I hope not for too long. His life needs to go on and I’m trusting that you will make sure that he does. He loves you and I know he will listen to you, eventually. Please don’t lose patience with him too often; I know he’ll drive you crazy.
We’ve always been so similar, Brian. Before I met Cam, it was a different guy every night. I was always careful but we know how that turned out. I used to lie to myself that I liked to be alone and enjoyed the freedom that making no commitments gave me too. When I met Cam and he loved me, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. He loved me. Cam is the most loving, caring and giving person I have ever met. The time I was fortunate enough to have with him is very precious to me, like him.
Take care of him and make sure that no one hurts him for me. He’s been hurt enough in his life.
Jake
Brian folded the letter and put it back into the envelope. Was he really like Jake?