Mr Kinney, I Presume
Chapter One
Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, AU, Romance
Warnings: OOC
Summary:Brian meets someone who helps put his life back on track.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.
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There’s a hero, if you look into your heart
You don’t have to afraid of what you are
There’s an answer, if you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel that hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
It’s a long road, and you face the world alone
One reaches out a hand for you to hold
You can find love
If you search with yourself
And the emptiness you felt will melt away
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel that hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
Brian wondered what the acceptable reaction was, when you had been diagnosed as suffering from exhaustion. He didn’t even think he worked too hard. If something needed doing, he just did it, then, moved to the next thing that called for his attention. He knew the word exhaustion, was only a polite way of saying he had some sort of breakdown.
When he tried to get out of bed and couldn’t, last Tuesday, was the first indication he had, that something was wrong. It wasn’t as though his body was immobile. He had even swung his legs over the edge and sat up; still not realizing anything was different from any other day. The alarm went off, he stretched, he sat up….. But when he tried to stand he couldn’t. Brian checked his legs, they were fine…. But he still couldn’t stand. Fuck, what was in that E last night? He wondered. He tried again and had the same response. This is bullshit, he mumbled to himself. I have a meeting at ten. He rolled off the bed, thinking that he had slept funny and as he hit the floor was filled with the most amazing feelings of dread, he had ever experienced. He crawled back to the safety of his bed and heaved a sigh of relief as he felt the mattress beneath him. His heart was pounding and the perspiration was dripping from his body. That's when he decided that something was really wrong. Who could he tell? This wasn’t even reasonable. People would think he had lost his mind, maybe he had.
********
Brian sat looking out over the water. They told him he needed a vacation, in a safe place. Kinnetik was secure and had exceeded his wildest expectations. In college, his dream was to one day have his own advertising agency. Brian’s drive and determination was firmly rooted in his miserable childhood, where he swore he would never find himself trapped again. Money and power were freedom and freedom was the one thing he valued highest. Besides, with what this attack of craziness was costing him, it was a good thing he was wealthy. He wondered what poor people did when they went nuts. If they couldn’t afford the rest that the doctor prescribed, then they just had to continue on. No wonder the city was full of lunatics. People, who couldn’t afford it, just had to wander around driving themselves and everyone else crazy.
When Mikey had dropped him here, he knew Mikey wanted to stay with him. At the time, he felt so fragile that he wanted him to stay too. It was a scene out of “Brian’s First Day at Kindergarten,” with him grabbing at any part of Mikey he could just to hold on and the nurse, trying to assure him, that Mikey would come back on the weekend. The fear that he was experiencing was overwhelming. They were forced to sedate him. The embarrassment had passed now and just the emptiness was left. He was truly alone.
That was three months ago and he was able to walk around now. Well, within the grounds of the sanitarium anyway, he laughed to himself. When he started his sessions with Dr. Colby, he knew the poor man didn’t know where to start. Each time they examined a portion of his life, there were issues that needed addressing. If he was really honest, he had never been happy. Even his success, he didn’t enjoy. It was only a way to keep the fear at bay. If he was successful, then he had money and money made him feel free. There was no happiness or joy. The only positive emotion he experienced was desire and even his desires were misguided attempts to feel free as well.
Brian laughed. He was seriously fucked up.
There was a young boy throwing a stick on the beach.
Brian watched him throw it and smiled as a big hairy dog of no definite breed lumbered away to collect it. The dog returned and the boy threw the stick again. Again and again, he threw it with the dog fetching as he had been trained. Suddenly they both disappeared from sight and Brian stood slightly to see where they went. The boy was lying on the sand with the dog on top of him. He was laughing as he and the dog rolled around on the beach. Brian found himself smiling and was so shaken that he lifted his hand to his face to check. He was smiling. The boy stood up and wandered down the beach and disappeared. Sadness descended on Brian and he began to cry, mourning the loss of the only instance of happiness he could remember.
“It’s time for your medication, Mr. Kinney,” Gayle said softly. “Hey,” she said when she saw his tears. “What’s wrong?”
Brian shook his head and extended his palm for his tablets. He pushed them into his mouth and threw back the water to wash them down.
She took the rug from his knees and helped him up. “Can you walk today or will I get a chair?” she asked sweetly.
“I can walk,” Brian mumbled, as she helped him back to his room. He ate half his dinner and the nurse fed him the rest. She cleaned him up as if he was an infant and helped him lie down, covering him with his blankets.
“Goodnight,” she said smiling and turned off the lights.
Brian lay staring at the ceiling. Another day had passed and the sadness and the pain remained, despite the medication, he was still a shell of his former self. He thought of the boy on the beach with his dog and could feel the smile returning. Brian knew the boy loved his dog by the way they were playing. The dog always returned, no matter how far the stick landed. The dog came back again and again. They must have played that game for an hour and still the dog came back. Brian was glad that the dog loved the boy enough to come back to him. He wondered what that would feel like.
********
Michael and Emmett sat with Ted in the diner trying to decide what they felt like for lunch.
“The special will be fine, I have to get back, I have a meeting with a new account in an hour,” Ted shook his head. “How is he?”
Mikey looked up from the menu. “The same,” he said sadly.
“Did they say when he might come out of it?” Ted asked concerned. He was concerned, it had been three months. He and Cynthia were coping, but he missed Brian’s sparkle and flair. He shook his head, not believing how much he missed him. He would even let Brian insult him constantly if he came back. Brian loved insulting him…… but not anymore. He only went to see him once and Brian just sat and stared into nowhere. Ted wasn’t sure he realized he was there or even that Brian knew where he was.
Michael shook his head. He was in pain. The Brian, who had been in his life since he was fourteen, was gone. With everything he had been through, growing up in that torture chamber he had for a home, Michael had never seen Brian the way he was the day Michael took him to the sanitarium. Brian begged him not to leave him, grabbing at him as if he was a lifeline and he was drowning. The doctor assured him that Brian would be fine and he should go, but as he walked away he could hear Brian crying. “I thought you loved me, you told me you loved me, please love me Mikey.” The words echoed through Michael making him feel nauseous. He went every week and Brian hadn’t spoken to him again. They would sit in silence, Michael not knowing what to say and Brian staring into space.
“Brian is in the best place possible. He’ll be himself in no time,” Emmett said confidently.
Michael tried to smile. “I don’t think so Em, you haven’t seen him.”
“Nonsense, they’ll treat him and he’ll be fine.”
“I hope so,” said Ted, the worry clearly evident in his voice.
“Is Kinnetik okay?” Emmett asked.
Ted nodded. “We miss Brian though. He always knew exactly what to do and what clients needed. I miss his genius.”
“What does his doctor say?” Emmett asked looking at Michael.
“Just that it will take time, he doesn’t know, how long.” Michael shrugged. “Ma’s talked to him more than me.”
Emmett motioned for Debbie to come over.
“What can I get you honey?” She smiled.
“Do you have any news about Brian?” Ted asked.
The smiled disappeared from her face. She shook her head as the tears began to roll down her cheeks. Debbie opened her mouth to speak but the words didn’t come out. She reached into her pocket for a tissue and quickly tried to wipe the tears away; shaking her head again as she disappeared into the ladies room.
“I have to go.” Ted said. “I have a late meeting so I don’t think I’ll get to Babylon tonight.” He stood up to leave, pulling on his coat.
“If you can make it later, we’ll be there,” Emmett said.
Ted nodded and hurried out into the street.
“I should go too, have you finished eating?”
Michael nodded.
“I’ll walk back with you to the store,” Emmett smiled.
********
Brian watched for the boy the next day. He asked to go out onto the deck early, not wanting to miss him. As the day went on, the hope that he would return slowly disappeared. He watched the waves roll against the shore for hours and when all hope was gone and it was late afternoon, he saw the boy running along the beach with his dog. Brian smiled as he watched them run into the surf, laughing.
Gayle brought his medication and tried to convince him to go inside but he refused. He wanted to see the boy play with his dog as long as possible. To Gayle’s shock and horror, Brian stood up and handed her the rug as he walked down the stairs towards the fence. She ran inside to fetch the doctor. She was afraid. Brian never walked anywhere unassisted.
Brian stood at the fence separating the sanitarium from the beach, smiling as he watched the boy and his dog playing in the surf. The boy was laughing and now he was closer, he could hear them. The dog’s name was Ruffian. Brian felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see who was touching him.
Dr. Colby smiled at him. “They seem to be having a good time.”
Brian nodded.
“Did you feel like walking?” he asked.
Brian nodded again.
“Let’s go back for dinner,” he suggested.
“I want to stay here,” Brian spoke.
“Do you want to take a walk on the beach with me?” the doctor asked.
Brian nodded.
The doctor swiped his access card and opened the gate. He and Brian walked out onto the beach.
Walking on the sand felt strange. Brian had walked on beaches before but it felt new and exciting. He liked the way the sand disappeared from under his feet. It felt familiar. He pulled off his shoes so he could feel the sand directly on his feet.
Dr. Colby watched Brian closely. This was the first time he had responded to anything since he arrived. He stayed back allowing Brian some freedom to roam without feeling restricted.
Brian stood halfway between the safety of the sanitarium fence and where the boy and his dog were playing. He was closer now and could see that it wasn’t a boy but a man with a slight frame. His voice was deeper now as he called his dog to him. The dog bounded towards him and jumped out of the water into the man’s arms causing him to laugh and fall backwards. Brian smiled. He always wanted a dog when he was a boy but his father wouldn’t hear of it. He told him he didn’t deserve a dog. Brian watched as the dog ran out of the surf.
He looked up and down the beach for signs of the boy but he didn’t come out of the water. Brian ran towards the surf, his eyes fixed on the last place he had seen the dog jump at his master. He could hear Dr. Colby calling him back but he was already in the water. As he felt the sandbar move under his feet, he began to swim, the water now over his head. He dived down searching but his poor physical condition made him come up for air quickly. He dived down again. He felt something brush past him and grabbed for it. He found him.
Brian carried the boy from the surf. Dr. Colby was in the water now too, taking the boy from Brian as he struggled to get out of the water. The doctor performed CPR and the boy started to cough and splutter as the water was expelled form his lungs. There was blood streaming out of a large gash on the side of the boy’s head.
“Get a stretcher,” the doctor called to some of the staff from the sanitarium that had wandered out to see what the commotion was all about.
Brian sat on the sand next to the boy’s body. His heart was pounding and he couldn’t stand up, his muscles aching from the exertion.
They put the boy’s body onto the stretcher and carried him to the clinic. Two orderlies carried Brian because he couldn’t walk. His heart was still pounding and he couldn’t catch his breath. The dog followed them through the gate. It slammed shut.
Brian could feel the chill creep through him from the icy water. At the time he didn’t even notice but now he was shivering. He wanted to stay with the boy but they wouldn’t allow it.
Gayle took off his clothes and sat him on a chair under the hot shower. It was nearly twenty minutes before he stopped shaking enough to feel warm. She helped him dress and sat him in a wheelchair. She wanted him to get into bed but he needed to see the boy. He needed to be sure that he was okay.
“Where’s the dog?” he asked.
She hadn’t realized there was a dog.
“I need to see the dog, where is it, Gayle?” Brian said; the panic and urgency in his voice startling her. “The dog, Gayle, where’s the dog?”
“Gayle, look outside and find him.” Dr. Colby’s voice making Brian calm down. “Dry him off and bring him to Mr. Kinney’s room.”
Gayle looked at the doctor surprised but did as she was told.
“Is he okay?” Brian asked afraid.
“He has a concussion and he swallowed a lot of water but he’ll be fine,” Dr. Colby smiled. “It was a good thing you wanted to walk on the beach today,” he laughed.
Brian nodded. Strange how things always seem to work out, Brian thought. There were other people on the beach every day but none that had caught his attention before. He had been sitting here like a zombie for weeks. If anyone else had drowned, he wouldn’t have even noticed. There was just something about him with his dog that had caught Brian’s attention. Brian felt a wet nose against his hand and looked down. He laughed. “Dr. Colby, this is Ruffian, Ruffian, this is Dr. Colby.”
“I’m keeping our guest for observation. He lives a little way down the beach alone, so I think he should stay here tonight. Would you like to keep Ruffian with you, Brian?”
Brian nodded as the dog jumped up into his lap and began to lick his face. Brian laughed as the dog drooled all over him. He spoke to the dog. “Let’s rustle you up some dinner Ruffian.” Brian put the dog down from his lap and wheeled towards the kitchen with Ruffian in close pursuit.
Gayle stood watching in amazement. Dr. Colby smiled as he saw the first signs of Brian being alive in months.
“I can’t believe Mr. Kinney pulled him out of the surf,” she said.
The doctor laughed. He couldn’t believe it when he saw Brian dive in.
********
Brian lay in his bed with Ruffian curled up beside him. The dog was snoring but Brian didn’t mind. He stroked his fur softly as he slept, exhausted from his day. The matron was hysterical that there was a dog in her ward let alone on Brian’s bed but Dr. Colby had given his permission so she had to allow it. Brian wished he had the dog he wanted when he was a boy. The comfort Ruffian was giving him was incredible as a man. As a small boy, maybe he wouldn’t have felt so isolated, alone. He wanted to move but he didn’t want to disturb Ruffian from his sleep. Brian closed his eyes, his body hurt from all the movement. He was dreadfully out of condition and would need to do something about that tomorrow.
Brian opened his eyes and Ruffian was still asleep on his bed. It was the best sleep he could remember. He went to the bathroom, relieved himself and flicked on the shower, leaving the door open in case Ruffian woke and wondered where he was.
The water felt good on his sore muscles. He thought he was sore yesterday but today he felt like he had been hit by a truck. As Brian soaped his body, his hand passed across his cock, making it tingle. He had almost forgotten it was even there. He hadn’t even thought about it in months. He just stopped getting hard the day he came here. Brian sighed as he took his cock in his hand, pumping it. As the blood flowed into it, making it as hard as steel, the feelings were welcome and familiar. He enjoyed the sensations sweeping through him, nearing his release as he pumped his cock into his fist. He tried to muffle the sounds as he came, holding his breath and splashing his cum against the tiled walls.
His breathing had almost returned to normal when Ruffian barreled into the bathroom. Brian turned off the water quickly before the dog was saturated again and matron threw a fit. He dressed quickly and went in search of Ruffian’s master.
song lyrics from Hero by Mariah Carey