Moving Forward Into The Past

brian


Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, Romance
Warnings: You choose
Summary:Brian examines his life after Justin leaves for New York and makes some decisions that will change his life dramatically.


Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.

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Brian sat on the sofa with his head in his hands, his elbows on the coffee table. He needed to make a decision. Even the decision to move out of this god-awful position would have been good but he just sat there. Justin was gone, gone to NY to start a new life without him.

At the time, going with Justin just wasn’t an option but as the time passed, he was tortured about his decision to put Justin’s needs first and not his own. He could have been selfish and demanded him to stay. Justin was unsure about going, he could have influenced him. He was a selfish asshole, ask anyone. He was Brian Kinney, the person that always put his own needs first. He could have gone through with the ceremony. Brian knew he would have made Justin happy. Justin loved him; he knew that but…..

Brian sighed. That wasn’t who he was at all, but most people didn’t know that. It was none of anyone’s fucking business who he cared about. It was no one’s place to judge him, he wouldn’t tolerate it. Who he loved and how he loved was nobody’s business but his.

He remembered walking into Woody’s with Mikey and seeing Justin sitting at the bar waiting for him, the night after they first fucked. Brian didn’t expect that he would ever see that hot little virgin again, except maybe, just around. But he wasn’t a virgin anymore that night. Brian had taken that from him. No, Justin gave that to him. Brian was sure that Justin would give up if he was cold to him. He was sarcastic and cruel and hoped Justin got the message that he didn’t do re-runs. There was something about Justin that made him run from Woody’s that night. He didn’t want some kid hanging around him. When Justin appeared at his door later that night, the knot in his stomach had tightened and when he gave Justin the facts in the street a few moments later, he hoped that Justin got the message and would leave him alone.

Then, Brian was sure where his life was going and it wasn’t holding the hand of some kid while he journeyed into Queerland. He remembered going back upstairs. The trick was in his bed waiting for him but the moment had passed. Fuck, what was it about Justin then? At Babylon the next night when he saw Justin dancing with his tricks, Brian knew Justin was targeting him but feeling their bodies close together that way was too much even for him. Brian laughed as the memories flooded back.

Mikey was pissed when Justin turned up at his house and even more pissed when Brian couldn’t resist those lips as Justin's fingers brushed over his cock when he was supposed to be kicking him out. Brian sighed as he remembered the way it felt when Justin touched him. The way it always felt when Justin touched him. Fuck, why was he doing this to himself?

Brian felt the pain again of when Craig Taylor came after him. Justin knew his father wanted to kill him too but neither of them cared. Brian kept it casual and open, that was all he could manage back then. Only he knew it wasn’t casual. Even keeping Justin around was a commitment from him, a commitment to allow someone close to him. A trust, that’s what it was. A trust was forming that Justin would always be there for him, that Justin wouldn’t desert him and let him down like the other people in his life that he let himself care about.

When he dragged Justin’s ass back from NY the time Justin stole his credit card and took off, it wasn’t till he lost Mikey and everyone else the night of the party that he truly realized Justin was there for him. He really did care for him. He chose him over everyone else. Justin may not have liked what he did, but he stayed. It was Justin who put him and Mikey back together. He didn’t have to. Mikey was always an ass to him, but he did it for him. Brian remembered how upset Justin was when they thought he had the job in New York. He remembered holding Justin as he cried. He knew he would have gone if the job had worked out; he would have left Justin behind. Brian laughed. Justin was in New York now, leaving him behind. They had come full circle.

The Prom was his fault, he knew it. Why did he leave him? He wanted to take him home to the loft and crawl inside him for the fifty thousandth time but he was scared and he walked away again and Justin was hurt. Every time he backed away, something bad happened. The hours dragged on while Brian waited for news about his Justin. He didn’t let anyone near him. It was private, he couldn’t share it. It was his. Mikey was there but he couldn’t even let him in that night. The pain and the guilt were his. When he got the news that Justin would be okay, he vowed that he wouldn’t let Justin be hurt by him again but when he saw him at Woody’s, looking for him, alone, all those weeks later, his heart melted and he knew he needed to keep Justin closer. Even though he went to the hospital every day, he didn't want Justin to know that. That way he could watch over him from a safe distance. But when he looked into those eyes at Woody's, he knew Justin had come for him.

When Jennifer told him to stay away, he thought his heart was breaking. He finally accepted that he loved Justin, even though he couldn’t tell him and it was being taken away. The loss was overwhelming. Jennifer was doing the best thing for her son, he knew that. He wished his mother had cared about him a fraction of the way Jen loved Justin. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so fucked up if she had. But he was an adult and he was responsible for himself. Brian didn’t shirk the responsibility for who he was. It was his doing, no one else’s. He wouldn’t give anyone that much power over him. He made no apologies for being him.

When Justin saw the scarf around Brian’s neck after Gus’ party, he knew. Brian wondered if before that Justin only hoped, but the scarf said it all.

Brian wanted to take it off and not let Justin see but he was so happy that Justin remembered and would maybe, be himself again that he forgot. The happiness that he saw behind Justin’s eyes that night encouraged him to step forward and let him in a little further. While Justin recuperated they were happy, really happy. He still tricked, but not much. As the time passed he felt safe and loved. Brian knew he only fucked the zucchini guy because he was scared he was losing himself in Justin.

Justin was young and he was scared that by the time he left him, there would be none of Brian Kinney left, that now they were a 'we', he would be left, alone and broken. When Justin gave him the rules he stuck to them. Some of them weren’t hard, if having Justin was his prize. The only one that was tough was the no kissing rule. That was part of who he was, but he kept it for Justin because he loved him.

He knew about Ethan from the start, he could feel it. Sure he could have given the commitment that Justin wanted. Hell he wanted that too, but he didn’t, he was afraid. Maybe Justin didn’t love him as much as he hoped. Maybe he was trying to prove that if he was a real asshole and Justin loved him anyway, that it was real love, not the sort that won’t last, but real.

The night Justin left him at the rage party, part of Brian wanted to just die from the agony of seeing him finally walk away but another part taunted him saying, see, I knew it wasn’t real. What an idiot he had been? The part that knew it wouldn’t last was glad to see Justin walking away while there was still some of Brian left, before he disappeared completely into an 'us'. Brian Kinney was never meant to be part of an 'us'.

Deep inside, Brian knew, Justin was all he wanted, all he needed. It was weeks before he could function again but he still needed to keep Justin close. He gave him some work, paid for his school and made him take his computer when he left. Brian needed to know he would be okay. He fought with Michael; he still couldn’t bare the words spoken that he should have let Justin die in that car park.

Brian sat up and wiped a tear away that was running down his face. He came so close to losing Justin forever that night. It was still painful to think about.