Life Goes On
Part One
Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, AU, Drama, Romance
Warnings: OOC, Children.
Summary:Justin has moved to New York to carve out his future but it proves more difficult staying in touch than either of them thought.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.
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Brian sat contemplating the best course of action. In the past, he had always thought that positive thinking was a load of crap. You made your own destiny and it was your responsibility to get it together. Lately though, he was stuck in limbo, his life out of control.
According to the motivational speaker he had just spent the last six days with, he now had all the skills to completely transform his miserable life. He did feel strangely optimistic but his hesitation meant the last few days weren’t a resounding success. Brian Kinney wasn’t sure how to proceed. There weren’t too many areas of his life that didn’t need a total overhaul. If he was completely honest, there wasn’t anything he did like, nothing from his old existence he would be sad to part with. Even Kinnetik’s success didn’t matter anymore, been there and done that. Designing a new life was an overwhelming concept but he had no choice. He had absorbed enough from the last few days to at least know why he was unhappy. Even though he wouldn’t admit it for a long time, loving Justin was the only thing that had saved him so many times before. When he had admitted to himself that Justin was necessary for him to be truly happy, something changed in him forever and he couldn’t find the mental place he used to live in to go back to the way he was before. Now he knew there was more, he wanted it.
Ever since Justin had left him to go to New York, he’d felt disconnected from everyone and everything. He needed to feel connected, connected to something but he still wasn’t sure what to focus his efforts on. There was no point pining after Justin. He’d thought they would stay in touch but it had been five months now and he’d had two phone calls. Of course, he could have just picked up the phone and called Justin but how much of a beating could his heart take. Deep inside he knew that Justin had to follow his career path. He’d even been the one who forced Justin to do it. Brian Kinney sacrificing his happiness in the name of love, if it wasn’t so painful, it would have been hilarious.
Brian had never considered anyone’s best interests other than his own but when he finally admitted it was Justin he loved, Justin he wanted, Justin he needed, his world had changed. He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t lonely anymore, he was and he knew it. Everything reminded him of Justin and the love that was just out of his reach. His friends were driving him crazy with their concerned phone calls and he could feel their sympathies and see the pity behind their eyes. At least when Justin went to LA, he hadn’t exposed himself by asking Justin to marry him. If Justin hadn’t come back, it wouldn’t have been as bad. He opened his eyes every morning wondering if today Justin would call. The day dragged and the phone call never came. He’d followed Justin’s career in the papers. The reporter who wrote the original article had taken an active interest in Justin’s career.
There had been a further two articles claiming Justin was the next coming with a picture in the paper of an gallery opening where Tim Ryan had his arm conspicuously around Justin in the shot. Brian had never felt jealousy like it before. It swept through him like a brush fire, consuming him. The time he found Mikey and Justin in bed asleep while they were doing Rage was nothing to what he’d done to the loft that night. He was like a man possessed as he destroyed everything he touched.
It wasn’t until the next morning after he woke that he fully realized what he had done. It was that moment he decided that he couldn’t go on this way. He had done some promotion for a national motivational speaker who maintained that what you constantly focused on, you produced. Brian had to admit that he did ask himself questions that were guaranteed to make him feel lousy like….why hasn’t Justin called me? Why doesn’t he miss me? I thought he would love me forever so why haven’t I heard from him? His personal favorite was….. How did he leave me so easily?
Everything and everyone reminded him of Justin and what he’d lost. He knew it was over but he also knew he didn’t want to hear the words. If he was ever to be able to move on, he needed to preserve at least his dignity and hearing Justin tell him they were no longer in love would have destroyed him.
Brian arranged to attend Tony’s seminar for a fresh perspective. He needed something and Tony was sure he could help him. Tony had seen the decline in Brian since Justin’s departure. He warned Brian to stop asking himself crappy questions, stop beating himself up, to get on with his life. Tony was right. The last week had been great. Brian was more optimistic than he had been in months. He could move on now but he wanted to take a part of the past with him. He called Ted from the airport.
“Brian, how was it?”
“Pretty dramatic,” Brian smiled. “Let’s just say…… it was just what I needed.”
“When will you be back?”
“I’m taking some time off to travel. You and Cyn can run the show for a while. I need a change of scenery.”
Ted wasn’t sure what to say. He, more than anyone, knew how lost Brian had been since Justin left. “Do you know how long you’ll be gone?”
Brian laughed. “Run it like your own and don’t expect me anytime soon. I need some space. You can email to my phone anytime but you make the decisions, Ted, I trust you.”
“Sure, Brian, are you telling Mikey where you’ll be?”
“I need to take a break for a while, get a new focus, start again,” Brian said sadly. “Deposit the Babylon profits into my personal account. If I need more, I’ll contact you. Ted, I don’t want anyone, I mean anyone knowing where I am.”
Ted was concerned. Brian didn’t sound like he was coming back any time soon. “Take care, Brian.” Ted hoped he was going out to the house in West Virginia.
“I will, thanks Teddy.” Brian disconnected the call and searched the drafts on his text file. He sent a message he’d been composing for past three days out to his friends and then turned off his cell.
********
Mikey read Brian’s message and frowned.
I’ll be gone for a while, don’t worry. I need the time to work out what I want from my life. I want to be alone so respect my wishes, please. Brian
Brian had been having a tough time lately. He did need space but Mikey didn’t know if he could give it to him. He was worried. He wondered if Brian had contacted Justin. Michael decided to leave it a week and see how Brian felt then. He felt Ben hug him from behind.
“What’s wrong?” Ben asked.
“I just got a message from Brian. He’s taken off for a while.”
“It’s understandable. He’s been very withdrawn lately. What about Kinnetik and Babylon?”
“I’m guessing Ted’s in charge while Brian’s gone,” Michael sighed. “I’m worried about him, Ben.”
“I know you are but Brian’s life is his own. You have to let him make his own choices.”
Michael nodded. He had a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.
********
Justin and Tim arrived at the Gala. Five months of New York success had given Justin resounding self confidence and a new inner peace. He still missed Brian but he knew that Brian wanted him to do this. He wished Brian would call him but he never did. Michael had told him Brian was great. Kinnetik was booming and since Babylon had reopened, Brian was busy all the time. Brian had told him that it was only time, that it meant nothing and they would always love each other. Justin believed him. At the rate his career was moving, he expected to be in New York for five years and then he was going back to marry Brian, live in their house in West Virginia and be with the man he loved.
Tim had been an enormous help. Justin liked him. He wasn’t a bad fuck but he was certainly no Brian. Justin found Brian’s face wandering into his fantasies. Whenever he and Tim were together, Justin pretended that it was Brian he was with. It helped to pass the time. When he first got to New York, he rang Brian once a week but the silence on the other end of the phone was too much. He knew he was hurting Brian and decided it was best to leave him alone. Brian would just immerse himself in work. Besides Brian knew how much he loved him. They would be together as soon as it was possible. Justin wouldn’t be able to wait a minute more than necessary.
Tim smiled at his lover. Justin was the hottest new artist in town and he was enjoying propelling Justin headlong into fame. Not only was he talented but Justin was a skilful lover. Tim was pleased that he and Justin had hit it off. Justin had agreed to move in with him a month ago and Tim was over the moon. He wished Justin would tell him that he loved him but it wasn’t Justin’s way. Any discussions about them being monogamous ended in a fight so Tim stopped asking. Justin was a free sprit and Tim just had to accept that. Getting Justin to move in with him had been difficult enough. He wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth by demanding his fidelity. Tim was grateful that Justin was with him.
********
Even though everything was different now, Brian decided to go ahead with his plans and adapt them accordingly. It wasn’t as if he could turn the clock back and stop them. It was done. His life wouldn’t be exactly as he thought but he couldn’t let the past go completely. If he couldn’t have Justin then any part of him was better than nothing.
When Gus left, Brian realized how important family was. Saying goodbye to his son was painful and he missed Gus so much
He’d intended to surprise Justin with their new family when he came home. Brian had deposited the sperm in the condoms from their final night together. He’d thought Justin was coming back when he let Justin fuck him. He’d thought they would love each other forever. He’d thought they would live in the house in West Virginia and be a family.
Gus was gone now too. Brian had to accept that Gus wouldn’t be back for years, if ever. He wanted him and Justin to have their own family. The last time Justin rang, he nearly told him of his plans but couldn’t add to the already intense pressure that Justin was under. He’d thought that Justin would come back too soon and he couldn’t be responsible for sabotaging his future. Brian decided it was his job to furnish their home not just with furniture but with their children as well. He’d wanted everything to be perfect when Justin came back. That night he’d given himself freely to the man that he loved. It was only fitting that their children were a result of their love for each other.
The search to find the mother of their kids turned out to be not as difficult as Brian thought. He’d expected it to take at least a few years before he found the right person almost straight away. Annabel Waters was perfect. Her blonde hair and blue eyes were more than appealing. Her frame was small and she was involved in medical research. Intelligence and good looks were hard to pass up. Having Justin’s baby to keep him company while his lover was away seemed like an answer. She was three months pregnant when Brian saw the article about Justin moving in with Tim. He wanted to ring Justin but he couldn’t bring himself to hear that it was over. Reading that Justin had moved on without him was a stake in his heart.
He’d moved around a lot in the last three months and had no desire to go back. Annabel was due in twelve weeks and now he had no choice but to make some decisions. Would he go back to the house in West Virginia and raise his children there?
He couldn’t. That was supposed to be their house. No, he needed something new.
Brian remembered a place he’d come across a few months ago. He’d seen an estate as he drove out of town. Maybe it would be a good thing to raise his children away from the city. The climate and general hostility against gay people had sent Lindsay and Melanie fleeing the country. Perhaps he should take their example on board. He didn’t want to leave the States but Vermont was interesting. He drove all day to get back there. The house was still for sale and he made arrangements for the agent to meet him on site. Brian pulled up the driveway to get a closer look.
A car drove up the drive and parked behind the vette. A man climbed out and walked towards Brian.
“Hello,” he held to his hand to shake Brian’s. “Greg Saunders.”
“Brian Kinney,” Brian smiled. “I was interested in the house. How long has it been vacant?”
“Two years. The owners are from Europe. They were called home for family reasons and hoped to be coming back. That hasn’t worked out and now they want to sell.” Greg smiled.
“The grounds are very impressive.”
“If you think this is impressive, wait until you see inside,” Greg smiled.
Brian followed Greg into the house. The house was already furnished. It was perfect. The surroundings were grand but there were only four bedrooms, so it was intimate as well. It was the kind of place he always wished he could live in. Raising his children here would be perfect. Brian swallowed when he heard the price. It wasn’t unattainable although he would need to go back to work in order to not be stretched. If he sold the loft and the house in West Virginia, there wouldn’t be a problem. His position would be no different than it was now. “I have property I need to sell first but I’m interested.”
“We want to settle in the next three months. Are you expecting to be liquid by then?” Greg asked.
Brian knew the bank would float him a loan if he needed more time. “That shouldn’t be a problem,” he smiled. He would need to call Ted. “Here’s my card. I’ll arrange for my business manager to contact you after he’s researched the asking price.”
“That will be fine.”
“Can I take another look around?” Brian grinned.
********
After receiving Brian’s phone call, Ted was even more worried. He wondered if Brian ever intended to come back. It had been almost four months. When he emailed Brian, he responded but it was obvious to Ted that Brian was no longer interested in anything that was going on in Pittsburgh. Time hadn’t improved the situation, if anything it had worsened it. He wondered if Brian buying a house somewhere else signaled he was never coming back. Selling his properties and bundling all the money into one house was a huge commitment. When Brian had purchased the house in West Virginia, Ted had almost had a fit. This purchase in Vermont was even bigger. He wasn’t concerned about the money. Kinnetik and Babylon were both doing well and with the sale of the other properties, Brian was still in good shape. He was worried about what this purchase meant and why Brian was in such a hurry to do it.
Life in Pittsburgh went on without Brian but Ted still missed his acid wit. Kinnetik was fine. Babylon was as popular as ever. Running everything gave Ted a new perspective on what it was like to be Brian Kinney. The last few months had been so hectic. It was no wonder Brian wanted to escape. He’d been living that life for years. Ted was tired in only a few months. He was meeting with Cynthia in a few minutes and intended to delegate some of his duties at Kinnetik. They needed another ad man if Brian wasn’t coming back. He needed Cynthia to pick up the slack. He was exhausted.
Cynthia knew Ted was tired and wanted to help any way she could. Brian’s sudden disappearance had put a lot of pressure on Ted but business was still good and they were managing. She tapped on the door and walked in.
“Have you heard from him?”
Ted nodded his head. “We need to make some decisions. Firstly we need a new ad exec, someone who will go out and get new business. I don’t have time and Kinnetik needs to keep growing. How would you feel about taking over things here?” He’d discussed it with Brian and he was positive Cynthia would do a good job. When the purchase of the house was finalized, Brian said he would be working from home. He’d agreed Cynthia was capable of the promotion.
Cynthia was in shock. “You mean run everything,” she stammered.
“I’ll still do the financials but everything creative would be your call,” Ted smiled. “You were Brian’s assistant for years. You know how he thinks. He’ll be working from home in a few months. He needs more time first.”
This was the opportunity of a lifetime. She had never dreamed of being in charge.
“You can do this, Cyn. I know you can,” Ted smiled.
Cynthia laughed. “I know I can too. What does Brian think?”
“He said you’ll do a great job,” Ted grinned. It was important to keep up the façade that Brian was still in control of Kinnetik even if he was totally disinterested at the moment. Brian would come good, he always did.
“I read another article about Justin. He’s done well.”
Ted smiled. “Yes he has. He’s the toast of the New York art world.”
“Is Brian with him? Who is this Tim person?”
“Justin’s patron,” Ted answered slowly. He wondered whether Brian and Justin were in touch. Somehow he felt they weren’t. “He is moving Justin’s career forward, putting him in contact with the right people. Being talented is one thing but being connected is essential.”
“It must be hard for Brian to be pushed into the background,” Cynthia sighed.
“Hmmm,” Ted responded. “Brian is counting on us to keep everything running smoothly while he’s gone. I thought we might surprise him and be amazing. Got any ideas on who we should hire?” he changed the subject.
“I know just the person. Cliff Benton, he’s young but he’s been around the block for a while. Remember those two pitches we didn’t get last month. We lost them to him. He’s with Vanguard but because he’s young, Vance doesn’t have him contracted, cheap asshole. He is a genius at drumming up new business and pitching. He reminds me of Brian when we were with Marty Ryder.”
Ted laughed. Gardiner Vance by all accounts was a jerk. “How do we proceed?”
“I just happen to know his assistant,” Cynthia grinned.
********
Brian sat in the Orangerie having breakfast. He was more than pleased with the house. It was a lot grander than the house in West Virginia but it made him smile when he thought about raising his family in it. It was far enough away from everything to give his family the semblance of country life but still close enough for them to have the advantages of the city. There was a private school thirty minutes away. The school bus stopped at the door and the local town was only ten minutes by car.
He was excited. Annabel was being induced in three days and he was going to be present for the birth of his children. The house was ready now the nursery was complete He’d arranged for Annabel to have the children in a private hospital not far away. His lawyer, Bill Grace was driving her up from Baltimore. She would be arriving in the next few hours. From the onset, his arrangement with Annabel included her being involved in the lives of his children. Even when he intended to raise the children with Justin, it was never his intention to rob them of their mother. He was forced out of Gus’ life in the beginning. He wouldn’t make the same mistake. There was however, a clause in their contract that protected him from any attempts she may make to gain sole custody in the future. That was only good commonsense but more of a safety feature than something he was really worried about. Bill was a smart guy, he’d thought of everything.
Brian had settled in comfortably to his new home. He loved the house and had hired a housekeeper and a gardener, a married couple who were in their early fifties. The pre-nup was ironclad and the ceremony would be a civil one and was taking place tomorrow. He was determined his children would be legitimate. In return, he would pay Annabel’s expenses for the next two years while she completed her research. Her apartment was part of the pre-arranged divorce settlement and he’d made assurances that he would not claim against her future income. Should she reneg, all monies would instantly be required to be repaid. He liked Annabel and wasn’t concerned at all. Besides on the birth certificate, he was the babies’ father, they were married and would subsequently be divorced. Bill had thought of everything. Brian smiled. It was not lying if they made you lie. He wanted his kids to be as normal as possible. He wasn't about to hide who he was but he didn't need to shove it down anyone's throat either. How he fucked and who he fucked was no one's goddam business but his.
A young man came in and sat down next to Brian. “What time will she get here?”
“About an hour,” Brian smiled.
“I can’t wait to meet your future bride,” Jerry laughed. He wondered what the woman was like who was marrying Brian Kinney. Brian was gay, he knew that first hand but he knew Brian’s fiancé was pregnant. There was a very interesting story in there somewhere. They’d met in a nearby bar few weeks ago. Brian needed another gardener. The grounds were far too big for one person to manage. Jerry was looking for work and he helped Brian with the nursery. The first night they spent together, Jerry knew that it had been a long time for Brian between drinks. He was attracted to him right away. Brian was gorgeous on any scale but he was detached. Jerry didn’t pry and Brian slowly began to open up to him as time passed and they got closer. He could still feel an invisible barrier between them and assumed that Brian was a straight guy playing the other side of the fence while his fiancé was unavailable. Information from Brian was very slow flowing.
“Annabel’s great,” Brian smiled. They’d been in constant contact over the last few months and had developed a relationship of sorts. Jerry had been company for him lately. He hadn’t realized how much he missed Justin until the house was set up and he was moved in. This was the life he planned to have with Justin. It was strange to be doing it alone. Ted was coming up on the weekend. He needed Brian’s signature. Brian knew he could have couriered back the documents but when Ted insisted they get together, Brian felt he owed Ted an explanation. He’d been wonderful over the last few months and Brian knew he couldn’t have taken this time without Ted’s help. Somehow selling the house in West Virginia made everything seem final. He was making a new start and he wanted Ted to know he was okay.
“I guess I won’t be seeing as much of you after she arrives,” Jerry said sadly.
“We’ll see. After she recovers, she’ll be going back to Baltimore. She’s post grad at John’s Hopkins,” Brian smiled.
Jerry was hopeful, it may not be over. He liked working here but he liked Brian even more. He was a forceful and dominant lover and Jerry was totally smitten with him. He just assumed the sadness was Brian’s conflict about his life. It was always hard for a straight guy to live in peace when he was a closeted homosexual.
“I have a friend coming up the weekend.”
Jerry nodded. He knew that meant to make himself scarce. “We probably still have thirty minutes or so,” Jerry smirked.
Brian laughed. He liked to laugh now a lot. He was excited about the babies coming and a blow job to get him through the next few days sounded like a good idea. “Well come on then,” he teased as he stood up and grabbed Jerry’s hand. They took the stairs to the basement where Jerry’s accommodations were. As soon as the door was closed, Jerry dropped to his knees.
*******
Brian ran up the stairs to the entryway. Bill and Annabel had already arrived and were waiting for him in the sunroom. A quick blowjob had developed to include a fuck in the shower and now he was late. He wasn’t sorry; Jerry was a first class fuck. “Annabel, Bill,” he smiled. “How was the trip?”
“Fine but I’m weary,” she laughed. “Your children will both play soccer, I’m sure. They have been wrestling for the last two hours.”
“We made it,” Bill smiled.
“Do you need the doctor?” Brian asked Annabel, concerned.
“I am a doctor and they're fine,” she laughed. “Show me the house, it’s beautiful.”
“It will be a wonderful place to grow up,” Brian smiled. He wrapped his arm around her and took her from room to room while Bill followed.
Bill was suitably impressed. He’d done the legals but this was the first time he’d actually seen the house. He hadn’t expected the house to have quite so much character. Brian was right; it would be a wonderful place to raise children.
After the tour, Mrs. Harrison served lunch. Brian was amazed Annabel was as tiny as she was if she ate that way all the time. She was all belly and it made her look like she would topple forward at any moment. Brian insisted that she rest after she finished, knowing she was tired. He walked her up to her room. “Are you ready to be Mrs. Brian Kinney tomorrow?”
“Yep,” she laughed. Being married to one of the most successful advertising men in Pittsburgh couldn’t be a bad thing. She’s agreed to stay married to Brian for a year after the babies were born. Her arrangement with Brian secured her future. She had never planned on having children. Her career was always her priority but Brian gave her the best of both worlds. She was interested in research and being Brian’s wife gave her the financial independence to follow her dream and she had the joys of being a mother without any of the responsibility. It was a perfect arrangement. They were in constant contact and Brian was a friend now.
He helped her onto the bed for her nap.
“Are you doing anything now?” she asked.
“Why do need something? Are you okay?” Brian asked quickly.
“Calm down, I’m fine,” she laughed. “I thought you may like to feel your children moving.”
“Could I?”
“Well they are yours. Put your head here,” she pointed to her stomach.
Brian climbed onto the bed and laid his head on the side of her stomach. He lifted it quickly. “Shit, they kick hard.”
“I told you,” she smiled. “Soccer or wrestling, I haven’t decided which yet.”
“I want them to have everything,” Brian said softly as he rested back against her stomach.
“I know you do. Our children are very lucky.”
“Thanks, they mean the world to me already,” Brian smiled. “Do you like your apartment?”
“It’s great. You have good taste.”
“I know,” Brian laughed.
“Have you heard from Justin?”
Brian didn’t answer. He just shook his head.
Annabel had been following Justin in the newspapers too. In the beginning Brian talked about him all the time but in the last few months he hadn’t mentioned him at all.
“That’s over. I’ve moved on with my life.”
“But you still want his child?”
“Don’t worry you won’t have to keep one of the babies. I want both my children,” Brian said without lifting his head.
Annabel could feel Brian’s pain. She wrapped her arms around him. “This is the quietest they get.”
Brian smiled and closed his eyes.
He awoke an hour later. He was wet. They were both wet. He sat up quickly. “Annabel, why are we in a puddle?”
She grabbed her stomach. “It seems your children like their own way as well. We better get to the hospital.”
“But….”
“No buts Brian, now. I need to make a call while you get my small suitcase and organize the car,” she ordered. “I want us married when the babies come.” She looked at her watch to time the contractions.
Brian jumped off the bed. He opened the door and called out for Bill and Mrs. Harrison. They both came running. It wasn’t supposed to happen by itself. They had pre-arranged everything.
Mrs. Harrison helped Annabel off the bed.
“I’m sorry about the mess,” Annabel apologized.
“Don’t worry dear. Babies never follow a timetable, particularly not twins.”
“We need you to come with us. The minister is meeting us at the hospital.”
“Annabel, there’s no time,” Brian gasped.
“Brian, calm down, we have plenty of time.” She tried to reassure him but he was an awful shade of green. Why did men always panic when a woman went into labor? She took a few steps and then looked at Mrs. Harrison. “I’m not sure if I can walk.” The contractions were close and strong. She was so tired from the trip she must have slept through the initial contractions. Annabel was determined that the ceremony would take place before the birth as planned. It would need to be the fast version though.
“I’ll carry her,” Brian suggested.
“The hell you will, you can’t even walk yourself. I’ll manage,” she snapped at Brian as a contraction shot through her. “You’ll drop me.”
“Sit down for a minute. I’ll get some help,” Mrs. Harrison ran from the room and a few minutes later came back with Jerry. “Jerry will carry you.”
Annabel put her arms around Jerry’s neck as he hoisted her into the air. “Brian, don’t forget my suitcase.”
Brian looked around for where he’d put it down. He ran down the stairs after Jerry and Annabel. Bill was already in the car with the engine revved up. While Mrs. Harrison jumped in the front seat, Jerry lifted Annabel gently into the back seat. Brian jumped in on the other side.
Jerry smiled as the car drove down the drive. It was all happening. Brian’s schedule was in tatters and he’d be pissed when he had time to think about it. Annabel seemed nice. She was far from the little mouse he was expecting. She was confident and self assured. He was suitable impressed.
********
They barely managed the ‘I do’s’ before the first baby was born. Annabel had arranged for the minister to meet them at the hospital. The little boy was born a few minutes after he pronounced them husband and wife, the little girl came ten minutes after that. She was almost eight and a half months so the babies were breathing unaided and didn’t need humidi cribs. The birth was very traumatic for Brian. He kept apologizing to her the entire time. Annabel hoped Brian would hurry up and snap out of it. He was clearly shaken by the experience. She was glad now she had him with her when she went into labor. Not wanting him to miss out on feeling his children in utero had been a good thing. She was tired and fell asleep.
Brian sat by Annabel’s bed staring at the two tiny cribs beside him. The babies both had enough of their mother’s features to be similar in appearance. The little boy was obviously his biological son with the little girl smaller and obviously Justin’s child. He touched both babies gently. They were both awake and aware. He looked at Annabel and smiled. He had no idea that women went through so much to have their children. The nurse came and took the babies. Annabel need to rest. He remembered when Gus was born. He’d held Lindsay and kissed her. He was so thrilled she had given him a son. When Melanie came in and saw them kissing, Brian was sure that was the defining moment that made her hate him even more. It was a bond between them that no one could break. They shared a child together, nothing would ever change that. He climbed onto Annabel’s bed and she turned into his arms. “Thank you for my children,” he said softly.
She smiled in her sleep and snuggled closer to him. Brian was a good man.
Brian lay holding her. He’d had months to think about names but he hadn’t decided on anything. He wondered if he should call Justin but dismissed the idea quickly. Justin was out of his life now. He had been for a long time. As long as Brian had his daughter, he would always have Justin near him. His memories of Justin were locked in his heart. He would never lose them. Brian couldn’t let them go. They were far too vivid to ever fade. He closed his eyes, he was tired too.
A few hours later, Annabel opened her eyes and realized Brian was asleep, his arms wrapped around her, holding her. She smiled. He would be a wonderful father for their children. She was impressed by his kindness and his caring, two things which were necessary to raise children. She was determined that her children have as normal a life as possible. She knew Brian wanted that too.
********
Annabel was released for the hospital on Friday morning. She had promised the doctor she was going home to bed. Brian arrived to collect his wife and his babies. The back of his FWD was already installed with baby capsules. He helped Annabel into the front seat and two nurses settled the children into the back.
Brian climbed in alongside of her. “Ready to take our family home Mrs. Kinney?” he smiled.
“Certainly Mr. Kinney,” she laughed. “Have you thought of names yet?”
“I want to call our little girl Paige but our son…….”
“What about Brian junior?”
Brian wasn’t sure. Naming a child after their parent seemed a little too arrogant even for him. He shrugged. His father’s name wasn’t appropriate to saddle some poor innocent baby with. Justin’s father was an asshole. Brian smiled. “Vincent.”
Annabel smiled. She liked it. Vincent and Paige Kinney were about to see their new home.
In all the commotion of the last few days, Brian had forgotten about Ted arriving. Imagine his surprise when he arrived at the house and was told Mr. Kinney was picking Mrs. Kinney and the babies up from the hospital. Mrs. Harrison said it wasn’t far so they wouldn’t be long. Ted couldn’t wait to see what Mrs. Kinney looked like. It was probably too much to hope that the housekeeper got it wrong and it was actually Justin with Brian. Somehow he didn’t think so. No wonder Brian wasn’t in any hurry to come back, he had a whole life here. A wife, a family, a beautiful home….. Fuck Brian, what have you been doing? Ted thought. Had the pain of losing Justin sent him straight....nah, it wasn't possible. The house was magnificent. Ted expected it to be amazing. He knew what it cost but even he was surprised. He wasn’t sure how to tell Brian that Justin was coming home for a visit. His mother wasn’t well and Justin rang him to see where Brian was. He’d been ringing Brian’s cell for two days and not getting a response. Now they communicated by email, Brian rarely carried his cell anymore. He’d fobbed Justin off, telling him he would give Brian the message but he would be out of town until Monday.
Justin wasn’t arriving until Tuesday so he wasn’t concerned. He would find the perfect time and break the news to Brian then.
********
Justin was so excited to go home and see Brian. He’d changed his flight to Friday. Even though they hadn’t been in contact for a while, he knew that as soon as they saw each other, all would be forgiven. Justin knew Brian wasn’t much of a talker and it seemed to upset him when Justin called. He longed to feel Brian’s arm around him, for Brian to be inside him. He never bottomed for anyone but Brian. Tuesday was too far away once he made the decision to come, he couldn’t wait. It was almost twelve months since he’d seen Brian, twelve months too long. He took a cab from the airport directly to the loft but when the heavy steel door slid open, a small woman answered the door.
He was confused. Who was this? “Um, is Brian home?” he asked.
“Brian? Um, my husband’s name is Jason,” she said equally confused.
“I don’t understand. My fiancé Brian Kinney owns this loft. Are you leasing it from him?”
“No, my fiancée owned this loft when we got married a month ago.”
“There must be some mistake,” Justin stammered. Brian wouldn’t move without telling him, would he?
“Let me call him and see if he knows anything,” she smiled. She dialed the phone and spoke for a few minutes. Justin looked in the door. All the furnishings were still there. Something was wrong. She came back a few minutes later. “He said he bought the property from a Brian Kinney a while ago. He got the impression he was moving out of state.”
“We have a house in West Virginia. He must be living there now,” Justin sighed. “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. I’ve been away in New York.”
The woman smiled. “I love living here,” she smiled.
“I liked it too,” Justin said sadly and he turned and walked back down the stairs. Why would Brian not tell him? He hired a car and drove out to West Virginia. There were kid’s toys on the lawn and two strange cars in the driveway. He had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he knocked on the door.
********
As Justin drove back into Pittsburgh, the tears were rolling down his face. Brian had sold their house. The house he proposed to Justin in. The house they were going to make their home. Not only had he sold it but Brian hadn’t contacted him to tell him. Suddenly, he was scared that Brian was sick again. That had to be it. He didn’t want to worry him. He drove directly to Debbie’s. Why hadn’t anyone told him?
“Sunshine,” Debbie gasped. “What are you doing here?”
“Where’s Brian?” Justin blurted out.
“Don’t you know? He left town months ago. He sent everyone a text message saying that he had to get away and not to try and contact him. As far as I know, no one knows where he is.”
“What about Kinnetik?”
“He contacts Ted via email. Ted is away this weekend and I know Cynthia doesn’t know anything because she usually rings me to ask if I’ve heard anything. He hasn’t even contacted Michael. He’s very upset that Brian has disappeared without a word,” she sighed.
Justin stood dumbfounded. “I don’t understand, Deb. He must be sick again. How could you all let him disappear and not tell me?”
“We wondered if he was with you but when you didn’t contact anyone we weren’t concerned. We thought the two of you were together. How long since you’ve spoken to him?”
Justin hung his head. He couldn’t form the words. Time had passed so quickly and after a while, it was too difficult to call. He always thought Brian would be here, waiting for him.
“How long, Justin?” Debbie demanded.
“I’ve only spoken to him twice. I rang him the first and second week I was there,” he said softly.
Now Debbie understood why Brian was having so many problems before he left. She’d watched Brian deteriorate until he just disappeared one day. Typical of Brian…. not telling anyone what was going on. She could never understand the ‘suffer in silence’ mentality that Brian subscribed to. “Have you come to see your mom?”
“Yeah, she hasn’t been well since she had pleurisy a few months ago. I was worried. Molly rang me. I better go. If you hear anything, will you call me?”
“Sure honey but I haven’t heard a word in months,” she sighed.
Justin walked down the path to his car. Brian was gone. How was he going to find him?
********
Brian was surprised to see Ted when they returned home, then he remembered, oh fuck.
“Brian,” Ted smiled and hugged him. “We have a lot to talk about.” He glanced at Annabel who was at Brian’s side, holding a small pink bundle in her arms. He smiled at her. I’m Ted Schmidt a friend of Brian’s.”
Annabel smiled. “Annabel Kinney and this is Paige.” She held the small baby out for Ted to see. “Brian has Vincent.”
Ted could see the resemblance. Vincent was the image of his father. “Congratulations they are beautiful, Ted grinned.
Brian looked nervous. “I need to get the babies settled and then we’ll talk, okay?”
Ted smiled. “I’ll be looking forward to it. It was nice to meet you Annabel. I’m sure I’ll see you later. I’m here for the weekend.”
“We’ll talk later then Ted,” she smiled. She walked up the stairs with Brian following closely behind. This would be interesting. He decided to go for a walk in the garden. He noticed a handsome young man working on the flower beds. He looked up and smiled at Ted. “It was a beautiful day,” he said.
“Yes it was. I’m Ted, a friend of Brian’s.”
Jerry looked Ted up and down. He didn’t look like Brian’s type. “I’m not sure when he’s expected back from the hospital. He’s collecting Mrs. Kinney this afternoon,” Jerry smiled.
“He’s back and getting her settled,” Ted replied. “I thought I would explore the gardens.”
Jerry nodded and went back to his duties. He was wondering what would happen when Brian came home too. He knew Mrs. Kinney was leaving again but he didn’t know when. He hoped it was soon. He missed Brian who’d virtually lived at the hospital since the babies were born.
Ted continued his walk.
Brian watched Ted and Jerry’s exchange for Annabel’s bedroom window.
“You don’t look very pleased to see your friend,” she laughed.
“I am, I just hadn’t told him about you or the babies,” Brian sighed.
“Were you planning on keeping them a secret?”
“No, I just didn’t have time with everything happening so quickly. Actually, I forgot he was coming,” Brian laughed. “Are you going to rest before dinner?”
“I thought I might,” Annabel smiled. She’d been feeding each baby alternatively and she was exhausted. “Are you in a hurry for me to go?”
“No, of course not,” Brian said quickly. “You stay as long as you want. You’re the mother remember. There will always be a place for you here.”
“I was thinking about working from here for a while. I think I want to feed the twins myself.”
“Whatever you decide is fine. You can help with their care….. If you want to that is?”
“Goose,” she laughed. “They are my children, why wouldn’t I want to?”
Brian smiled. He couldn’t remember anyone calling him a goose before, well not that he didn’t want to hit anyway. Annabel was a sensible, no nonsense sort of person. They just got along famously. “I can sleep a few nights now,” he laughed.
“Dream on, we have two children and I can only feed one, that leaves you,” she chuckled.
“I was afraid you were going to say that,” Brian smiled.
“There will be no sleep in this house for the next few months,” she laughed. “Shouldn’t you go and find your friend?”
Brian sighed. It was time to face the music. “I’ll check on the babies on my way down.”
“I have the monitors on. I’ll see you at dinner.”
Brian nodded as he closed the door behind him. He quietly went into the nursery and smiled at the way Vincent was stretched out as he slept. Paige was still snuggled in her rug like a tiny ball. Justin slept the same way. She looked like an angel, she looked like her father. Brian could feel the tears welling in the corner of his eyes. He had to stop doing this to himself. Justin was gone. Paige was all there was left. He wiped his eyes and went downstairs to find Ted. He found Ted sitting on the terrace and sat down.
“Ice tea?” Ted asked. “I can’t wait to hear this.”
“It’s a long story,” Brian sighed.
“I’m here all weekend.”
Brian tried to explain to Ted what was happening. He told him that he needed to start a new life and about Annabel and the babies. He conveniently left out that Paige was Justin’s child. There was no point rehashing the past.
Ted listened without interrupting until Brian paused. “So, you intend to be straight?”
Brian laughed. “Not much danger of that. I just want my kids to be as normal as possible. I remember some of the problem Linds had with Gus. I don’t want my children to be different. They have a mother and a father and their parents will be divorced like all their friends parents.”
Ted laughed too. Brian was right. The days of the happy two parent family was almost over. “I have to tell you something.”
“Justin is coming home for a visit on Tuesday. His Mom hasn’t been well but he wants to see you.”
Brian’s heart stopped. Why would Justin want to see him? They both had new lives now. “I don’t think I can Ted.” If he saw Justin again, he would beg him to….. He couldn’t do it. He shook his head. “I can’t.” Justin hadn’t contacted him in a year. They should both let sleeping dogs lie, it was over. Maybe Justin had broken up with his boyfriend and was looking for a diversion while he was in Pittsburgh. Much as Brian wanted to touch him again, he knew that eventually Justin would leave again. He couldn’t survive it again. It was better to not go down memory lane, better for both of them.
Ted could see Brian wasn’t okay at all when it came to Justin. He put his arms around Brian and Brian melted into them, collapsing into tears. If this was Brian six months later, what the fuck was he like before? No wonder he disappeared. “No one knows where you are and I won’t tell him. It will be okay, Brian.”
Brian nodded and wiped his face. The mention of Justin name turned him into everything he had always despised……a weak, pathetic, aging fag.
Annabel came down the stairs and saw how upset Brian was. She stormed over to Ted and demanded. “What the fuck is gong on here?” She took Brian in her arms and held him as he started to cry all over again.
Ted wasn’t sure what to say. It was obvious Annabel was fiercely protective of her husband. “We were talking about Justin and Brian is a bit upset.”
“A bit?” It was obvious that Brian was far from being over Justin. “Brian, why don’t you get cleaned up for dinner? Mrs. Harrison said she’ll be serving in an hour,” she hugged him tight. “Take a shower. I’ll ask Jerry to check on you in a little while.”
Brian smiled. He’d married a pretty amazing woman. “Thanks Mrs. Kinney.”
She kissed him on the nose. “You are very welcome, Mr. Kinney.”
“I’m gonna shower downstairs. Don’t worry about Jerry, I’ll find him.” He kissed her on the nose back. “Are the kids okay?”
“Sleeping like babies,” she smiled.
Brian turned and walked down to the basement. He needed a diversion and Jerry was good at diverting his attention away from everything when he felt miserable. He found Jerry showering for dinner and joined him.
Annabel looked at Ted but before she could speak, he apologized again. “I didn’t realize how much Brian still loved Justin,’ she sighed.
“Neither did I,” Ted admitted. “He’s coming to town on Tuesday and he wants to see Brian. As you saw, Brian said no.”
“I don’t know very much about Justin. Brian talked about how much in love they were when I first met him but then something happened and he changed. I want to help him but I don’t understand how two people who supposedly love each other could be out of contact for so long?”
“Brian has never been much of a talker,” Ted shrugged.
“You’re joking, Brian can gas bag and put me to shame,” she gasped.
“The club Brian owns in Pittsburgh was bombed. He wasn’t there at the time but Justin was. I’ve never seen Brian so frightened before. He and Justin had been together for nearly five years and Brian had never told him he loved him. He did that night for the first time. The next day he asked Justin to marry him and eventually Justin said yes. I always knew he loved Justin, everyone did but the minute he made the commitment, he was different. That was when Justin was asked to go to New York. The wedding was cancelled and Justin left.”
“So what are you telling me? Justin left him when he got a better offer,” she gasped.
“No, Brian made him go, he didn’t want to. Brian wanted Justin to be everything he could be not to miss the opportunity and stay home with him. Brian always made his own choices; he wanted Justin to have the same chances. I think it was difficult for them to be apart once Brian told Justin how he felt. I know it was hard for Brian and I’m sure it was equally difficult for Justin.”
“Why did they stop communicating?”
“I think it was just too painful for both of them to talk and then Justin moved in with an art critic a few months after he arrived and Brian fell apart.” He remembered Brian left the day the article appeared.
“But I thought Justin loved Brian.”
“I think he does but you know how it is,” Ted shrugged.
Annabel shook her head. Justin loved Brian and he was living with someone else. Brian loved Justin and he was downstairs fucking Jerry. Men were totally fucked, she thought. “Did Brian tell you that in the beginning he wanted our children to be raised by him and Justin?”
Ted paused. “No he didn’t.”
“I want to try and get them together,” Annabel smiled. “And I want you to help me.”
Ted shook his head. “Brian hates people to interfere in his life. I have to respect his wishes. I’m sorry Annabel, I can’t.”
“Come with me Ted. I want to show you something,” she smiled. Ted followed her up the stairs to the nursery. She opened the door and ushered him to the cribs. “Look at my children, Ted. Have a good look,” she ordered.
Ted looked at Vincent. He was the image of his father with his light brown hair and hazel eyes.
“He looks like Brian, doesn’t he?” she smiled.
“Yes he does.”
“Now look closely at Paige.”
Ted looked at the tiny baby girl and smiled. She looked like an angel with her big blue eyes and blonde hair. “She looks like you.”
Annabel smiled. “She does but Vincent is my child too and he looks nothing like me.”
Ted stared at the baby again. He looked at the other crib and then back at Paige again. Paige looked nothing like Brian at all. He could see Annabel in Vincent but he couldn’t see any of Brian in Paige. “My god,” he stammered. “She is Justin’s child.”
“Brian and Justin should be together. Brian loves him and I need your help to make that happen. Please Ted. I want the best for my children and Brian and Justin are meant to be together.”
“What do you want me to do?” Ted smiled.
“I want you to find out if Justin still loves Brian. I won’t bring them together if I’m not sure how Justin feels.”
“I’ll find out when he’s arriving on Tuesday,” Ted smiled. He looked at Paige again. My god,” he gasped. She was the image of her father. He went outside to make his call. “Justin, its Ted. What time do you get in on Tuesday? I’ll pick you up.”
“I’m already here, Ted. I wanted to see Brian so much that I got an earlier flight. Do you know where he is?”
“You’re there already,” Ted gasped. “Hang on a minute; I need to move the reception is lousy. Hold on.” He put his hand over the phone. “Justin is already in the Pitts. He’s been looking for Brian.”
“But does he love him or does he want to tell him, it’s over?”
Ted took a deep breath and walked outside. “Justin, are you still there?”
“I’m here, Ted, where is he?” Justin demanded.
“I’m not sure I can tell you. He doesn’t want to be found.”
“Where the fuck is he, Ted? What’s wrong with him is he sick again? Has the cancer come back?”
“He’s fine. It isn’t the cancer.”
“Then why is he hiding from me?” Justin demanded. “I thought he loved me. I thought we had a life together. He sold our house, Ted. We were supposed to live there when I came home.”
“Brian thought that too until he saw that you moved in with Tim Ryan,” Ted snapped.
Justin was stunned. How did they know he moved in with Tim? “How?” he stammered.
“It was in paper, Justin. Brian was devastated. He hasn’t worked a day since.”
“But Ted, that was months ago,” Justin gasped. Nothing ever stopped Brian from working. He was the most driven person Justin knew.
“It almost killed him Justin. He’s starting to put his life back together. I won’t let you near him if you are going to smash his heart to pieces again. How do you feel about him?”
“I love him, Ted. There isn’t anyone else,” Justin sighed. “It’s always been Brian, it always will be. You know how I feel about him, Ted.”
“I thought I knew but then the articles and the pictures in paper of this guy Tim with his arms around you. Brian saw all of it, Justin. He’s hurt.”
“You said he was putting his life together again. Is there someone else?” Justin asked, scared of the answer.
“No, there isn’t anyone. He isn’t over you. How long will you be in New York?”
“I wanted to talk him into to coming back with me.”
“He won’t do that, Justin. He’s settled where he is. He has friends here who love him, a new family who doesn’t judge him. Except that he’s miserable about losing you, he’s happy.”
Justin laughed. Brian was always a contradiction in terms. “I need to stay until my career is established. That won’t be for at least another year, maybe two. Can I call you to check on him?”
“Sure,” Ted smiled. “If he sees you and you leave, it will kill him. Hurry back to him Justin, he needs you.” He closed his cell.
Annabel was standing behind him. “He still loves him?”
Ted smiled. “Like always. I didn’t tell him where Brian was but I agreed to let him know how he was.”
Annabel nodded. “Why won’t he come back?”
“Brian wouldn’t want him to cut his time short.”
“But Ted, Brian needs to know Justin loves him. It would make the waiting go so much faster,” Annabel sighed.
Ted knew she was right. He needed a way to get them together away from Vermont so Brian’s privacy would be respected. Vermont was Brian’s private sanctuary until he chose to share it.
**********
Brian held Jerry in his arms. This was the first time Jerry had told him he cared about him. He reminded Brian of the way Justin used to be when he was young and they first got together. “Stay for dinner with Annabel and my friend Ted.” He needed to move on with his life. He and Jerry were good together. Talking about Justin had made him see that.
“Really?” Jerry smiled.
“Yep, really,” Brian grinned.
Jerry kissed the side of Brian’s neck wildly. He was so excited that Brian was including him for the first time. They had never done anything together but fuck. Dinner was a start.
“Get dressed and I’ll see you upstairs,” Brian smiled. He kissed Jerry softly and stood up to get dressed. “Ted is a friend but he also runs my businesses in Pittsburgh.”
Jerry wondered where Brian’s money came from.
“How long will Mrs. Kinney be with us?”
“Not sure, a while I guess. I want her to feed the twins as long as possible,” Brian smiled. “I’ll see you soon.” He leant over and kissed Jerry again. It felt nice to be intimate with someone again. He’d kept Jerry at arms length ever since they met. He needed companionship and warmth in his life again. Jerry was as good a person as anyone to try with. They got along well, he was a good fuck; it was time he tried again.
Ted changed for dinner. He wondered what he should do. Annabel was right. Brian deserved to know that Justin hadn’t abandoned him, hadn’t abandoned their love. He decided to tell Brian how upset Justin was he’d sold the house.
Brian was pouring drinks when Ted came downstairs. “What’s your pleasure, Teddy?” He smiled.
“Scotch rocks. Can I have a word, Brian?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I just spoke to Justin on the phone,” Ted said.
“He went to the loft and the house, looking for you.”
Brian froze. “Finally wants to tell me its over, does he?”
Ted smiled. “In fact the opposite, he wanted to know where you both would be living when he came home,”
“What?” Brian gasped. What the fuck did Justin mean? Justin thought he was living with him when he came back from New York. “What about his new boyfriend?”
“Publicity, that’s all,” Ted smiled. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him you’ve moved on without him. He wanted so desperately to see you. He even went out to the house in West Virginia, he was pretty shaken up that it was sold.”
Brian didn’t want to be excited but he couldn’t help it. The idea that Justin wanted him was a dream come true.
Ted had been handling Brian for a long time now. He knew he had to plant the seed and watch how it germinated. This seed seemed very welcome. Annabel appeared in the doorway. She looked at Ted and saw him grin. It may just work out after all. Jerry entered the room and smiled.
“Annabel, you remember Jerry, don’t you?” Brian smiled.
“Of course,” she smiled. “Without your help, Brian would have dropped me on the stairs.”
“I would not have,” Brian said indignantly.
“You couldn’t remember where you put my suitcase and it was in your hand,” she laughed.
Brian looked at Jerry. “My wife thinks she’s a comedian.”
Jerry smiled. He didn’t say anything but Brian was in bad shape that day. He wondered if Annabel was right. “Well you got there, that’s all that matters.”
Annabel smiled. “Too true but thanks for your help.”
“I thought you were tiny that day for a woman having twins but you are so small,” Jerry smiled.
Annabel smiled. A woman never tired of hearing she wasn’t fat. “I’ve always taken care of myself. I guess it just an occupational thing.”
“What do you do?” Ted asked.
“I’m in medical research,” she smiled. “Brian thought it would come in handy breeding with a doctor,” she laughed. She walked over to him and slipped her hand around his waist. “Isn’t that right, honey?”
Brian shook his head. She had a strange sense of humor. He was getting used to it.
Jerry watched them together. It was like they had been married for years. They understood each other so well it was scary. The bond between them was strong.
“Do you want a drink?” Brian asked her.
“Not unless you want your children to be drunk tonight,” she laughed.
“Sorry,” Brian smiled. “I forgot. I’ll have one for you so you don’t miss out.”
“Make sure you are coherent in six hours for the next feed,” she warned.
“How long before they sleep through the night and eat three times a day?” Brian sighed.
“Quite a while, that’s why I decided to stay,” she smiled.
“I’m glad,” Brian squeezed her and kissed her on the forehead.
Mrs. Harrison announced dinner was ready and Brian walked with Annabel into the dining room. Dinner was relaxed and the conversation flowed freely. Brian hadn’t allowed his mind to wander onto Justin at all. He needed to think about what Ted had told him. They enjoyed their meal and had coffee in the living room. At ten, Brian and Annabel announced it was time to feed their family again.
Jerry whispered in Brian’s ear. “Do you want to see me later?”
“Not tonight, I have some things I need to do. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Brian smiled.
Jerry was disappointed. He was hopeful after Brian asked him to dinner that Brian would ask him upstairs tonight. Oh well, he thought, small steps. He and Ted chatted on happily for the next couple of hours. Jerry was surprised how easy Ted was to talk to.
Brian was surprised how much he was enjoying the feeding and nuturing of his children. Feeding was a special time. You held them close, it was nice. He wasn’t too fussed on the burping and he refused to change Vincent after his son pissed on him the first day but changing Paige wasn’t bad except when her nappy was full.
Annabel took pity on him and took over most of the changing. It was only fair. By the time they were being potty trained she would be back at work and Brian would be dealing with that all by himself. It didn’t kill her to help him until he was desensitized a little. The man she first met wouldn’t have even tried. An hour and a half later, they had a four and a half hour break until the next feed. It seemed like one feed blended into the next. They both ran for their rooms to get some sleep.
Now his time was free, he couldn’t get Justin out of his mind. There was no way he’d be getting any sleep tonight. Brian wondered if Ted had told him the whole truth. Was it possible Justin missed him? Did he love him after all? Did he want them to spend the rest of their lives together? He wondered for how long Justin was back in the Pitts. Surely he was going back to New York. Much as Brian wanted Justin to be with him, he couldn’t allow Justin to sacrifice himself and his career to be with him. Did he dare hope it was possible? He remembered how it felt to hold the man he loved, to touch him and kiss him. Brian felt his cock jump to attention. He reached for the lube.
********
It felt like he’d just closed his eyes when one of the babies started to cry. In a matter of moments the other was awake as well and both were happily screaming their lungs out. He jumped out of bed and pulled on his robe. Brian met Annabel in the hallway.
She looked at him and could see he’d had no sleep at all. “Are you okay?”
“Just tired,” he sighed. “Who am I feeding?”
“Paige,” she smiled.
Brian went downstairs to heat up the bottle. He almost napped as the water was boiling. Annabel refused to allow him to use the microwave. He trudged back upstairs and picked up his screaming daughter. As he sat down and lifted the bottle to Paige’s mouth, there was silence. She loved her food in the same way Justin did, passionately. He cuddled her closer as she guzzled her bottle. He burped her half way through; she always gulped a lot of air when she was feeding with the bottle. It made it easier at the end. There was no mistake, his tiny daughter was a guts.
It was five fifteen by the time she’d emptied her bottle, burped and filled her nappy before happily settling down to sleep. He went straight to bed feeling bad about leaving Annabel with Vincent but he was exhausted and she had insisted. This time he didn’t think of Justin, he just collapsed into bed and was asleep. It was after nine when he finally surfaced, in time for the whole process to start again in an hour. It was going to be a long few months.
Ted was sitting in the Orangerie having his coffee. “Good morning,” he smiled. It was pointless to draw Brian’s attention to the fact like he looked like shit. He had a feeling Brian already knew that. “Did you get any sleep?”
“Not a lot but this time is one of those sad facts of life when you have babies in the house,” he smiled. “I could never understand why Linds looked so bad when Gus was born. I wish I’d been more sympathetic now,” he laughed. “When you spoke to Justin, was he really upset I sold the house?”
“He was scared you were sick again and hadn’t told him.”
Brian swallowed hard. “Do you think that’s he reason that he wanted to see me?”
“He wanted to see you before that. Worrying you were sick again just made him more anxious when he couldn’t find you.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That you weren’t sick, you had just moved on without him,” Ted sighed.
“What did he say to that?”
“I’m not sure he was crying so hard I couldn’t understand him.”
Brian’s stomach turned over.
“What else did he say?”
“Just that even though you weren’t in contact, he thought you knew how much he loved you. He was surprised you gave up on him so easily,” Ted shrugged.
“Easily,” Brian gasped. “I wasn’t the one who stopped loving him. He never called.”
“Did you call him?”
Brian slumped in his chair. He hadn’t called either. He’d just gone crazy when he heard Justin had moved in with Tim. “What about the guy he lives with?”
“He only lasted a month and then moved out. Apparently the guy wanted a commitment that Justin wouldn’t give him. He’s been staying in his studio for the last few months,” Ted smiled.
“I better have a shower before the bath and feed show starts,” Brian smiled. “Thanks Ted.”
Ted smiled.
Brian went upstairs and plugged in his cell. He showered quickly and when he came out, he dialed Justin’s cell.
Justin saw the caller ID and answered quickly. “Brian.”
“Hey, how are you?” Brian asked.
“Fine, how are you?”
“Good,” Brian smiled. “I heard you were in the Pitts. How is everyone?”
“They said they haven’t seen you for a while.”
“Been busy. How is New York?”
“Always something happening. I’ve been selling a few pieces,” Justin smiled.
“I’m glad.”
“Brian…..”
“Mmmmm.”
“I miss you.”
Brian smiled but didn’t say anything.
“Are you still there?”
“I’m here.”
“Could I……” Justin’s voice trailed away before he could finish his request.
“I have to come to New York next week. Will you be back?”
“What day?” Justin smiled.
“Whatever day you’re back.” Brian laughed.
“I can come to you now,” Justin offered.
“No, I’ll see you in New York. I want to see what you’ve been working on,” Brian smiled.
“Tuesday, I’ll text you the address of my studio.”
“I’ll text you the time. It was good to hear your voice.”
“You too.” Justin heard the cell disconnect. His heart started again. He was seeing Brian in two days.
Brian smiled and this time left his cell on. It had been months since he’d used it. When he heard Justin’s voice say his name, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to speak. It was so good to hear Justin’s voice again. He strolled into the nursery.
Annabel looked up and smiled. She’d already bathed Vincent and was currently bathing their daughter. “I was going to let you sleep.”
“Do you think Mrs. Harrison could help you on Tuesday?”
“Sure, what are you up to?”
“I thought I would go to New York and see Justin,” Brian smiled.
“I think that’s a good idea. Why don’t you stay Tuesday night and come back on Wednesday?”
“Would that be okay?” Brian grinned.
“We’ll manage without you,” she laughed. “It’s Vincent’s turn on the bottle,” she pointed to his son who was getting impatient and starting to grizzle. “Tuesday isn’t too far away,” she smiled.
Brian sat in the rocker and gave Vincent his bottle. Considering he’d waited a year, Tuesday wasn’t too far at all.
*******
Ted went back to the Pitts on Monday afternoon. He was very pleased with himself. He had the signatures he needed to get rid of the high interest bridging finance that he hated. And Brian was going to see Justin. It wasn’t a bad weekend’s work.
Brian’s flight got in at ten on Tuesday morning. He took a cab directly to Justin’s studio. His heart was pounding and he felt like a kid on his first date. He wondered if it would be awkward between them but as the door to the studio opened, Justin literally jumped into his arms. They made love over and over. They barely spoke until the late afternoon. Their bodies took over and their minds happily disengaged. They fell asleep, exhausted and woke up and started all over again.
Justin knew that he was better to show Brian how he felt. Words were often redundant but the feelings between them were as strong as ever.
It was almost four in the morning when Brian told Justin he loved him. They were the best words Justin had heard for twelve months. They made love again, both trying to ignore how sore they were but still desperate for each other.
Brian’s flight was at two on Wednesday afternoon. They showered at eleven. Brian looked over Justin’s work before he left. The time in New York had been good for Justin. His current work showed a maturity that wasn’t there before. Brian didn’t tell him where he was living now and Justin didn’t ask. He didn’t mention the babies either. He didn’t want Justin to abandon his career. Justin took him to the airport and when they were saying goodbye Brian suggested. “If you ring me then maybe the next time I could ring you,” he smiled.
They called Brian’s flight and they kissed one more time. As Brian was walking away, his cell rang. It was Justin. He turned around and looked at his lover.
Justin smiled. “I love you,” he whispered into the phone.
Brian waved. “I miss you already. I’ll call you when I get home.”
“Later,” Justin grinned as he watched Brian disappear through the gates.
********
Now that the ice was broken, they talked on the phone every day. Brian flew to New York every Tuesday and came back on Wednesday afternoon. The time passed quickly and before they realized, six months had passed. It was time for Annabel to go back to Baltimore. Brian would miss her. The babies were weaned now and were sleeping through the night. They were so big compared to the tiny bundles they brought home from the hospital.
Annabel would come up for a week every month. That way Brian could spend one week at a time with Justin and the babies would still be with a parent.
It would be hard not seeing Justin for a month at a time but a whole week together would be wonderful. He told Justin he had to change their arrangement due to work. It wasn’t a complete lie, he had returned to work. He worked at home and emailed it in to Ted. The twins were sitting up now and they played on the floor while Brian worked. The day that Paige took off and crawled for the first time scared Brian witless. One minute she was there, the next she was gone. He found her looking very pleased with herself in the hallway. He immediately mounted a campaign to make the house 'moving baby' friendly. Vincent was almost a month behind her when he finally crawled too. Brian cancelled his trip to New York the next week. Justin was disappointed but Brian explained it couldn’t be helped. He promised that next month he would be there and he was.
The next month Paige was walking. Brian was worried to leave them but Annabel insisted he go. She wasn’t sure what was the bigger nightmare? Was it the kids taking off all the time or was it Brian worrying about them. Just before their first birthday Vincent took his first steps. If he thought six hourly feeds were bad, he wasn’t even remotely ready for babies who were moving. The time flew by. As long as he saw Justin, he was happy. The rest of his life was full. Having the children helped the time pass quickly.
Then there was toilet training when they turned two. Brian found celebrating when they used the toilet difficult. He was relieved when he returned from visiting Justin and it was all over. Annabel had managed to train them in a week. Brian was suitably impressed. He enjoyed Annabel’s presence in their life particularly when she handled something he was nervous about.
The kids were two and a half and Paige was a terror. She was opinionated and willful and demanded her own way. She and Annabel locked horns constantly. Vincent was more placid, always following Paige’s lead. Annabel was determined her daughter be better behaved.
“If you can’t control her now, Brian what hope will you have when she is older,” Annabel yelled at her husband.
“You know I can’t say no to her,” Brian complained.
“Try,” Annabel demanded. “I expect her to do as she is told. I mean it Brian. Every child can be naughty but Paige is downright disobedient and cheeky. If you don’t do something about it, I will.” She gave Brian a month but when things hadn’t changed, she took a leave of absence to address the problem.
“What do you mean I have to leave for a month?” Brian stammered.
“Just what I said, go and visit Justin, I want you out of here. I will not have a child who is a cheeky brat,” she roared. “You spoil her and she knows it. It’s no good for Paige, Brian.”
Brian sighed. He knew better than to contradict Annabel when she got like this. It was true, he did spoil Paige; he couldn’t help it. She was his little girl. “Okay, he sighed.
“Daddy….” Paige came screaming into the room. “Vincent pulled my hair.”
Brian looked at Annabel unsure of what to do. He would normally ask Vincent to not pull her hair again but this time he could see Annabel was angry. She frowned at Paige. “Don’t tiddle tat on your brother.”
“Mommy’s being mean to me,” Paige cried and threw herself into Brian’s arms.
Annabel glared at Brian. She walked over, picked up her daughter and smacked her. “Do not tiddle tat on Mommy.”
Paige screamed. “Mommy hit me.”
Brian never smacked his children but he didn’t dare say anything in case Annabel hit him.
She picked up Paige and held her until she stopped screaming. She took her to the hall and pointed to the corner just outside the living room. “Paige, this is a new place called the time out corner. Every time you do something that you shouldn’t, you will need to stand here until you apologize,” Annabel said firmly. “She put Paige down and she attempted to run away. She put Paige back in the corner. “If you leave the time out corner without apologizing, you will be smacked.”
“You can’t make me, I want my Daddy,” Paige demanded.
“Daddy is going away and I will be here. You will do as you are told young lady.”
“I won’t, I won’t.” Brian stayed in the study and the screaming continued for hours. He would be pleased to get out of here. He knew that Paige was determined but she got that from Annabel. As determined as his daughter was that she would get her own way, Annabel was just as determined she wouldn’t. He knew Annabel would never hurt Paige. Her mother may hurt her pride but never hurt her daughter physically. She was very level headed when it came to conflict. Annabel enjoyed making sure that a system worked and her latest project was Paige. He felt Vincent next to his chair. His son climbed up on his lap and cuddled in to his father.
“Why is Mommy making Paige yell?” He asked.
“Mommy wants Paige to be a good girl and do as she is told,” Brian smiled.
“I’d like that too, Daddy. Paige is always getting me in trouble.”
Brian hugged his son. He now understood Annabel’s concerns. “Once Mommy explains to Paige, she’ll be a good girl,” he smiled. “I will be away for a while for work but Mommy will be here with you.”
“Will Paige be in trouble all the time?” Vincent asked.
“I think so but Mommy will convince her,” Brian kissed his son. “You can help me pack.” He stood up with Vincent in his arms and walked past his daughter and Annabel in the hall.
“Daddy,” she screamed.
Brian stopped and looked at his daughter. “Good girls listen to their Mommy’s and do as they are told. If you don’t, you will be put in the time out corner until you apologize.”
Paige glared at her mother and then at her father. “I won’t,” she yelled.
Brian sighed. “Then you will stay in the corner until you do.” He looked at Annabel who mouthed the words thank you. Brian smiled. “Daddy is going away for business in a little while. If you haven’t apologized to Mommy, you won’t be able to come to the door and say goodbye,” Brian warned.
Paige frowned. She wasn’t used to this at all but her mother was determined that she stay in the corner. It was almost the final seconds before Brian left that Paige finally apologized to her mother so she could leave the corner.
Annabel smiled as her daughter went running to Brian for a last minute hug.
Brian smiled too. “Be a good girl for Mommy, Paige.”
Paige smiled. “I’m a good girl.”
“Yes you are but if you aren’t good what will happen?”
“I have to go to the corner til I pologize,” Paige frowned.
“That’s right,” Brian smiled. He handed Paige to her mother, picked Vincent up and hugged him. “Be a good boy, sport.”
“I will, Daddy,” Vincent kissed his father.
Brian had a feeling as he walked away that he was getting the best part of the deal. Not being around Annabel and Paige when they locked horns would be a blessing. He decided to arrive unannounced and surprise Justin. A month in New York with his lover would be amazing.
********
Justin was reading the newest review of his latest show. It was a shame Brian couldn’t be there but business was business. The last year had been so much better than the first few. Not only was he getting the attention he knew he deserved but Brian was in his life again and they were happy. He’d made a lot of contacts since he arrived. Justin wondered if it was really necessary for him to work in New York. It was just as easy to be in Pittsburgh. Sure he’d need to travel but being with Brian all the time would be worth it. The doorbell rang and it was a courier. Justin opened the envelope and stood staring at the contents.
Dear Mr. Taylor,
Your work has come to our attention and we are eager to speak with you. We book showings for a series of Galleries in Europe who would be interested in displaying your work.
Please contact the undersigned if you are interested.
Sincerely
Natasha Reed
Justin was gob smacked. Usually this sort of offer should be made through his agent. He rang the telephone number on the letterhead and asked to speak to Natasha Reed. She flattered him and his work, telling him she had been at his show the week before.
“I’m surprised to hear from you Justin. When Tim said you wouldn’t be interested, I sent the letter as a last ditch attempt. I’m thrilled you would consider our offer.”
Justin couldn’t believe it. Why had Tim told her he wouldn’t be interested? “What dates were you interested in?” he asked.
“Starting next month with a series of showings… I was thinking of moving the exhibit every two weeks across our thirty nine galleries.”
“That’s almost a year and half,” Justin gasped.
“Do you have a problem having steady work for more than a year?” she laughed.
“No,” Justin stammered. “You just caught me unawares that’s all. How many pieces would you want?”
“Forty seven of various sizes, is that a problem?”
“No, that would be fine.”
“Of course we would pay all the shipping costs and your accommodation.”
Justin gulped. Holy fuck. “Of course.”
“I was thinking of starting on the seventh in London. Do you have all the pieces?”
“I would need to complete another four but they are already well underway,” Justin smiled.
“Then I will expect a call from your agent and I will arrange to have the works shipped in the next few days. I’m so glad I took a chance and wrote to you, Justin.”
“I am too Natasha. I’ll ask Tim to call you tomorrow. I’m looking forward to meeting you.”
“We will expect you by the twenty seventh. I always like artists to be involved in the way their work will be displayed,” she laughed. The first show she organized, the entire display was hung upside down. She never made the same mistake again. “I’ll see you on the twenty seventh.”
Justin smiled. He dialed Tim’s number. Without any pleasantries, he growled into the phone. “Why didn’t you give me the offer for Natasha Reed?”
“Who the fuck is Natasha Reed?” Tim growled back.
“Someone who wants me to go to London and then spend the next year touring with my show across Europe,” Justin barked.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea, that’s all.”
“Why the fuck not?” Justin growled. Tim had been petulant ever since Brian had come back into his life. Was this his ultimate revenge?
“You drag the same pieces from place to place. You need to travel with the show. When will you work? Where will you work? By the time you come back, you’ll be a distant memory and need to start all over again. Is that what you want? The last few years to be for nothing, are you crazy? Those chain Galleries are for people to look at art not buy it. By the time they spend money on you for a year; they move onto the next artist and where will you be…… nowhere.”
Justin sighed. There had to be a way to make it work to his advantage. “I’ll think about it,” he said softly. “I’ll call you later.” He put down the phone. Fuck. It was true. While he was traveling, he wasn’t working, shit. Then there was Brian. How could he go to Europe for a year and a half and leave Brian? It was more than likely Brian wouldn’t be able to just leave work and go with him.
As if on cue, the doorbell rang. When Justin opened the door and saw his lover standing in front of him smiling, he jumped into his arms. “I’m so glad to see you,” he clung to Brian in desperation.
“What’s wrong?” Brian asked, concerned.
Justin explained about Natasha’s offer and everything Tim had told him. Brian sat stone faced and listened to Justin ramble on and on. When Justin finally paused, ten minutes later, Brian sighed.
“What do you want to happen?” he asked. The idea of Justin being away for so long made his heart beat wildly. He couldn’t lose Justin from his life again, he just couldn’t.
“Tim’s right. I can’t stop working but for so many people to see my work can’t be a bad thing.”
“Why can’t you do both?”
“Apparently they want me to travel with the exhibit.”
“Have you asked this Natasha person if it was possible to not travel with the show the whole time?” There was no point making decisions when Justin didn’t have all the information.
Justin put his head on Brian’s shoulder. “It doesn’t work that way,” he sighed.
“How do you know if you don’t ask,” Brian shook his head. “It Tim is your agent then shouldn’t he negotiate a deal that you both can live with?”
“Tim is dead against me getting involved with it.”
“But what do you want?” Brian pressed for Justin to say what he thought.
Justin sat for a few minutes wondering what he did want. He looked up at Brian. “Would you come with me?”
Brian wanted to be with Justin but there was no way he could leave the kids. He didn’t want to miss a year of their lives. They changed so quickly. He wasn’t even sure he could be away for the month Annabel had packed him off for. “I can’t, Justin, I’m sorry. I want to be with you but I have other things happening in my life, other people who rely on me.”
“It’s okay. I just had to ask. I don’t expect you to put you life on hold and be with me,” Justin sighed. “Tim’s probably right. I’ll just pass on the deal.”
“Do you want me to try and negotiate something for you,” Brian smiled. He could see Justin was torn.
“I’ll think about it. What are you doing here?” It was as if Justin suddenly realized that Brian wasn’t supposed to be there.
“I had some time and I wanted to spend it with you,” Brian smirked.