How Can I Be Sure II
Chapter One

brian

Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, AU, POV, Drama, Romance, Sequel
Warnings: OOC
Summary:Brian and Justin raise their daughter.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.

________________________________________________________________________________


Lexie Taylor-Kinney was three. Her blond curls framed her big blue eyes. She had Justin’s milky skin and Sharon’s bubbly personality. Justin watched as his daughter tore around the room.

“When is Mama gonna wake up daddy?”

Justin looked at the small girl at his feet and scooped her up in his arms. “Mama is sleeping baby; we don’t know when she will wake up. Now kiss mama goodbye, we have to meet Dah at his office. He snuggled his face under the little girls arm. She giggled and tried to push him away at the same time.

“Daddy, don’t tickle me,” she protested.

“Why not?” he said as her snuggled under her arm again.

She collapsed again into uproarious giggles.

“Come on pumpkin, get your bag, we have to call in and see Grandma Deb first.”

Justin bent down and kissed Sharon on the forehead. He whispered “We’ll see you on Thursday. The little girl dove for her bag and tumbled along behind her father as he left the room. Justin had been taking Lexie twice a week since she was born to see her mother and today she was three. Justin smiled at how full their lives were thanks to his lovely little angel. Bob had wanted to pull the plug on Sharon but Justin had resisted. Her father had allowed the respirators to be turned off but Sharon had continued to breath on her own. it was a clear sign to Justin that this was meant to be. He moved her to a private sanitarium where she would get the care she needed. Here, there was no pressure to end her life and Sharon was well taken care of.

He strapped Lexie into her restraint and looked at the back seat of the jeep. It was full of child stuff. Brian constantly complained about the condition of this car but Justin had noticed that he rarely took the vette anywhere. It was like he wanted to be sure that Lexie always had everything she needed. Justin knew that Brian loved her totally. Hell, he spoilt her rotten all the time. She only had to bat her big baby blues at him and he totally melted, instantly caving in to her wishes. Justin was always telling him how much he spoilt her. He pulled the car into a parking space in front of the diner and started the process to unpack his child from their vehicle.

The bell over the door sounded causing Deb to look up. “Come to grandma baby. Happy birthday.”

Lexie toddled over to Deb and jumped into her arms. “Ganggar Deb,” she threw her arms around Debbie’s neck.

“Do you want a drink baby?”

The little girl nodded. “Yes peese Ganggar.”

Deb laughed. “You are so gorgeous I just want to eat you all up,” she nuzzled the little girl and was greeted with a flood of giggles.

“Daddy tickles me too,” she collapsed into a fit of the giggles again.

“Does he baby?”

“I’m a big girl now, I’m free,” she held up four fingers “See.”

“So I see.”

“We just called in for a minute Deb, so you could see her on her birthday.” Justin took his daughter and suspended her on his hip.

“What time is the party on Saturday?” Debbie asked.

“At 1pm, Brian has gone totally overboard as usual; we have a clown and a pony….”

Debbie interrupted. “A pony, inside at the loft.” She shook her head disapprovingly.

“I know I know, but he measured it and made sure it fits in the elevator. You know Brian it is organized down to the smallest detail. Come on pumpkin. Dah is waiting to take us to lunch,” Justin turned to Deb. “I will be glad when she can buckle herself up and always walks instead of wanting to be carried.”

Debbie laughed. “That will be another three years Sunshine”

Justin groaned in horror. Having a three year old was tiring.

******


“Cynthia, where is the Brown athletics file, I had it this morning,” Brian searched his desk one more time.

”It’s here boss, you left it on my desk when you went to the art department.”

Brian smiled, He was so forgetful lately. “Yeah, that’s right.”

There was a commotion coming from the reception area.

“Whathefuck is that?” Brian jumped to her feet.

“I think your daughter has arrived.”

Brian smiled as a small bundle burst into his office screaming “Dah,” running towards him with her arms out. “Dah, iss my berfday.”

He picked her up and twirled her around in his arms, both of them laughing.

Justin looked on smiling. They had come a long way and it had not been a smooth trip. When they had first bought her home Brian was too scared to even touch her, even though he tried not to show it. There had even been a time when he thought that Brian didn’t want her at all. Justin sat down on the couch; it was going to be a while before they left. Brian was busy showing her everything in the office. Lexie was always curious about everything and Brian had patience for all her “but whys” Justin found himself thinking about the day she came home from the hospital……….

“Brian, come on we have to pick up Lexie,” Justin was getting impatient. “Brian what are you doing?” He walked into the bedroom when he received no answer to find Brian sitting on the bed staring into space. “Brian,” Justin shook him trying to budge him out of his trance-like state.

“What?” Brian growled.

“Let’s go, we have to pick up the baby,” Justin was excited.

“Listen you go, I have to out for a bit, I’ll be back later,” Brian stood up and walked past a shocked Justin and was gone.

Justin couldn’t believe Brian had just left. He sat down on the bed when he felt his legs become wobbly. What had just happened? He actually left. Oh my God, he went. Justin wasn’t sure how to react. They had discussed bringing the baby home and Brian had sounded pleased and now….. Justin was lost. He didn’t know what to do. He reached for the phone.

“Deb, can you come over to the loft?” his voice was pleading.

“Sure baby, what’s up?”

“It's Brian, we are supposed to pick up the baby today and Brian has just walked out. I don’t know what to do.” Justin was crying now, today’s events were just too much. After spending the entire morning at the police station giving his account of what had happened he felt exhausted, he didn’t need Brian pulling this shit out of left field on him.

“I’ll be right over.”

Justin lay back onto the bed. “What was he going to do?”

******


“Mikey, feel like going to Woody’s?”

Michael stared at his friend. “Brian it’s only three in the afternoon.”

“Yeah I thought we might get an early dinner and then hit Woody’s for some pool then and Babylon, I need to dance.

Michael nodded realizing something was very wrong. “Just let me cash up and we can go.” He turned the sign on the door to say closed. It only took ten minutes and they were on their way. “The diner okay?” Michael asked.

Brian nodded. He needed to put something in his stomach before he drank himself into oblivion. He slid into the last booth on the end, facing his friend. They ordered in silence. Finally Michael spoke.

“What’s going on Brian?” his tone was serious.

“What do you mean?” Brian answered pretending things were fine. “I want us to spend some time together. Since when aren’t you happy about that?”

“I love for us to spend time together but shouldn’t you be with Justin picking up the baby.” Michael’s eyes were wide waiting for Brian’s answer.

Brian looked to be in a daze. Michael was really beginning to worry now.

“Brian?”

“Ohhhh Huh?”

“Brian, are you all right?” Michael was past concerned and smack in the middle of panicking at the point.

“Ohhhh yeah, fine Mikey, I think Justin is better to do that stuff than me. I’m really no good with kids.”

Michael was shocked. “Brian that isn’t true, you are wonderful with Gus.”

“That’s not all the time Mikey, I can’t keep it together all the time like this is gonna be.” Brian sounded terrified.

Michael reached over and took his hand. “You have to get a grip on this Brian, Justin and Lexie live with you.”

“I was thinking I might get another place the loft isn’t really big enough for three.”

“Another place for the three of you?”

“No, leave Justin and the baby at the loft and keep a separate place for me. I can’t feel closed up like this Michael, I feel like I am suffocating.”

Michael stood up and shook him. “Brian, stop this. Think about what it was like when Justin was gone, you were a basket case and now you want to leave your home because of a tiny little baby. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe you are being so stupid. You will lose him if you reject his child. What’s the matter with you? Have you gone mad?”

Brian looked at his best friend who was ranting at him. He stood up, his eyes flashing fire “Fuck you.”

Michael wasn’t surprised at his angry response but was astounded when Brian stormed out of the diner. He sat backing his seat and took a sip of his coffee. This was not going to be easy.

*****


Justin heard the buzzer and ran to the door. He buzzed Debbie up and almost jumped into her arms as the elevator reached the top floor.

She stroked his log blond mop. “Come on honey, let’s go inside.”

Justin nodded releasing her from his vice-like grip.

“Coffee Deb?”

She shook her head. “What did he do?”

“We were about to leave to get Lexie and he froze then he left. I don’t know what to make of it.”

“Justin he’s scared, you know he loves you,” she nodded.

“Yes I know that, but we are all scared of something and we don’t all run away.”

“Haven’t you ever been too afraid to tell Brian something? Not knowing how he would react?”

Justin nodded. “I got my memory back Deb, but I haven’t told anyone.”

Debbie stammered “You remember everything, my God Justin why didn’t you tell us or him?”

“I was scared how Brian would react.”

“But why baby, it wasn’t your fault you couldn’t remember.”

“I know Deb but with everything that has been going on with Sharon and my Dad, I didn’t think Brian would be able to cope with this too.”

“Cope with what baby?”

“Its was my Dad, Deb. He came to LA and we fought. He pushed me off the catwalk.”

Debbie was shocked.

“I remember everything before the accident, I rang my doctor and he said I may never know what happened after I was in the coma but at least I have most of my life back”

Debbie hugged Justin until he begged for air. “Deb, please,” he choked until she let him go.

“Brian, what will I do about Brian?” Justin was so confused. He thought they were over all this bullshit pain management shit.

“He’s scared Sunshine, that’s all, he’s scared.”

“Of want, a tiny baby?”

“Of the feelings that a tiny baby can bring to the surface. His own childhood for one. You know how his father abused his whole family after he and his sister came along. His mother said they were happy and then he just snapped. Brian has always been scared that he would be like his father. That’s why he never takes Gus. He needs to ease into it and becoming a fulltime parent isn’t easing into it.”

“I don’t want to lose him Deb, I love him but I love Lexie too and she has to be my priority now.”

“I know honey. It will all work out. Brian is a good man and I know he loves you. You’ll see it will be okay. Just give it some time,” Debbie smiled. “Do you want some company when you pick up Lexie?”

“That would be wonderful thanks. I haven’t handled a baby since Molly was little.”

“It will come back to you. Is Jen meeting us at the hospital?”

“I told her I wanted it to be Brian and me but since he isn’t coming I had better ring her.”

“Yes you do that and we’ll meet her there.”

“I want to visit with Sharon for a while and take the baby to see her.”

“You are a good man Justin Taylor and Brian knows that too. It will work out.”

Justin quickly called his Mom and they set off for the hospital.

******


“Brian, what are you doing here?” Lindsay asked puzzled by his sudden appearance.

“Wanted to see my son, is there anything wrong with that,” he snapped.

Lindsay knew immediately that something was wrong.

”How is Justin?”

“At the hospital picking up the baby.” Brian’s head was down and Lindsay had to strain to hear the words.

Aha she thought. “Gus is having his nap so let’s have coffee while we wait for him to wake up, it shouldn’t be long.” She grabbed Brian’s hand and led him into the kitchen.

Brian slumped down into the chair. He knew he was letting Justin down but he couldn’t help it. What did Justin want from him? He would never be a fulltime father. It just wasn’t how he saw himself.

Lindsay pushed the coffee towards him sensing his dilemma. “Gus will be so excited to see you, he loves you Brian. That’s the wonderful things about kids, they never judge us. They keep on loving us no matter what.” She laughed and Brian looked up.

“But some people weren’t meant to have kids Linds. What if they are better off without you?”

“You are talking about your Dad Brian, not you. He was a mean spirited bitter man who blamed his family rather that looking at himself when it came to his failures. You are not like that Brian.”

“How do you know? I’ve never been around kids except for Gus and you are always with me,” Brian’s eyes welled with tears.

“And Justin will be with you with Lexie too. You’re a good man Brian; you would never treat your children like Jack did.”

“But how do I know that for sure, what if I hurt her Linds. What if I start hurting Justin like my Dad did. I love him too much to ever put him at risk like this.”

“But you won’t Brian because you know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you love and I know you will never do that to anyone else. I love you Brian Kinney. You are a good man and Lexie is lucky to have you to look after her.”

“So why don’t you let me spend time with Gus?”

Lindsay shook her head and reached out and hugged him. “You thought I didn’t want you to spend time with Gus, my God Brian, Gus worships you. I never wanted you to feel obligated to have him. The more time you spend with Gus the happier he will be. He loves you so much. He talks about you all the time at home and at school. It's Daddy, Daddy, Daddy with him.”

Brian smiled. He always thought that Lindsay barely tolerated his occasional appearances. He had no idea he was really welcome.

“There is Gus now, why don’t you go and surprise him. You want to stay for dinner?”

Brian stood up to get his son. His son, Mmmm. “Dinner would be good,” he replied as he walked up the stairs.

Lindsay waited for him to be out of hearing range and picked up the phone. “Mel, it’s me. Brian is here and he is staying for dinner. What time will you be home?”

“Aw, hon. I have a late one tonight. I’m sorry. Go ahead and eat with Gus and I’ll wake you when I come home. Love you.”

“I love you too Mel, bye”

Brian walked in with a very happy Gus in his arms.

“My Daddy helped me in the bafroom and is haffing dinger wif me.”

“Its hav ing din ner with me,” Lindsay corrected “and yes he his. Why don’t you two go and play while I get it ready.”

Brian put Gus down looking panicked.

“Gus, show Daddy where your toys are.”

“K Mom,” he grabbed Brian’s hand and dragged him into the sunroom. Gus gave him no way out. Lindsay smiled. Maybe things would work out after all.

******


Justin carefully placed the tiny baby at her mother’s side. As usual Lexie laughed and giggled away happily. “Here she is Sharon, I wish you could see her, she is just beautiful. She has your curls and my eyes and she is so happy, she smiles all the time.” Justin wiped the tears away from his eyes. Even though he and Sharon would never be a couple he never wished this on her. The respirators had been turned off yesterday but she was breathing on her own. They couldn’t even predict when or if she would ever wake up. Justin held her hand. “I will take care of her until you wake up Sharon, I don’t want you to worry. I will always look after our little girl. She means everything to me. She will always come first, I promise.” Justin picked up the baby and kissed Sharon on the forehead again. “I’ll be back in a few days, rest well.”

He sighed as he saw Deb and his mother waiting for him, he tried to smile.

“Sunshine, ok?”

“Yeah it was okay, I want Lexie to know her Mom. I know you guys only saw Shaz at her worst but Mom; she was so loving, when I first met her. She sat and held my hand for three weeks. She didn’t want me to wake up alone. I will always be grateful to her for that. I want to bring Lexie to see her Mom as much as possible.”

Both women nodded.

“Let’s get you guys home.” Debbie said trying to get the show on the road. “Did you get the restraint for the jeep?”

“Amongst other things, I tried not to buy out the entire shop.”

Jen chuckled “Spoilt already and she is only a few days old. Babies grow so quickly, you don’t want to buy too much.”

Justin nodded thinking his mother’s advice sounded sensible.

“Will Brian be at home when we get there?” Jen asked trying not to sound too nosy.

“I don’t know when Brian will be home, he’s dealing with something right now and needs some space. I love him enough to give him that.”

Jen nodded.

“We have two cars so I will meet you guy’s there,” Jen said as she approached her car.

Deb helped Justin put the baby in her restraint and then climbed in, heading for the loft.

******


“Dinner, boys, come and get it.” Lindsay laughed as she saw her son dragging Brian by the arm towards the dinner table. “Once he makes his mind up he is relentless. I wonder where he got that from?” She laughed again but this time Brian joined her.

“So I have focus, he will need that when he gets older,” Brian smiled at his son who was busy chasing peas around his plate with a determined look on his face. “I’m glad I came Linds.”

“We are too Brian, as I said you are always welcome here. I was thinking you and Molly are close aren’t you?”

Brian looked up from his plate knowing where this was heading.

“I’ve watched you together, you are always so kind and understanding with her and she certainly loves you, in fact she worships you as well. There seems to be a lot of that going on with the children in your life. You can’t fool kids even for a second. They are like a pack of hungry wolves, they can always smell blood. But look at Gus and Molly, they seem to think you are worth the effort.”

Brian smiled. He had through fear assumed he would become his father but now he knew that would never happen. He needed to go home and be with Justin and Lexie. “Thanks for dinner Linds, I have to go. Bye Sonnyboy, I will be back the day after tomorrow and we will play trucks again okay?”

“K Daddy, bye bye.”

Brian kissed Lindsay on the cheek. “Thanks again Linds.”

“Drive safely, see you soon.”

******


“Do you need us to do anything?” Jen asked.

“No everything is all set up now, I’ll let you two out and then I will feed her and put her down for the night.”

Deb and Jen looked at each other and laughed.

“Are you sure you don’t need one of us to stay? his mother repeated. “Babies wake up a lot Justin and they eat all the time. If it becomes overwhelming just ring.”

“Sure will, but we will be fine.” He walked out both women and closed the door after them.

He collected Lexie’s bottle, checking the temperature was fine and got comfortable on the sofa. “Do you want some dinner pumpkin? Yes I thought so.” The baby happily started to suckle the bottle he offered. Justin heard the loft door slide open. He held his breath waiting to see what was going to happen.

Brian came in and went straight to the bedroom. Justin sighed. Fuck, what a mess. After a few minutes he felt Brian nuzzle his ear.

“So you picked up our parcel.”

Justin held his breath. Did he just hear Brian say our?

“You have good timing, you just missed the mother brigade.”

“Ohhh thank god, I don’t think I could have dealt with them today,” Brian shook his head.

“Do you feel better now?” Justin asked cautiously.

“Much, let me try that, I had better get used to it I suppose.”

Justin handed Lexie to Brian, showing him how to hold the bottle.

“Well Alexandra Paige Taylor you are a very lucky little girl because your two Daddies love you very much.”

Justin felt the tears well in his eyes again. “I love you Brian.”

“I love you both too,” he said as he watched his baby daughter happily suck her bottle dry. “I can see that she is your daughter.”

Justin laughed. “After she goes to sleep, I might practice my technique, can’t get out of practice, can I?”

Brian felt his cock twitch in anticipation.