How Can I Be Sure I
Chapter One
Rating: Adults Only
Category: Fanfiction
Pairing: Brian Kinney, Justin Taylor
Genres: Angst, AU, POV, Drama, Romance
Warnings: OOC
Summary: Justin is injured in an accident and he wakes up with no memory of who he is or where he belongs.
Disclaimer: All characters and situations from Queer as Folk are properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, Showtime, and others. No copyright infringement is intended. This story is rated by the author and not by any independent body.
________________________________________________________________________________
"Why is this is the only place I feel safe and warm," he said out loud. It was as though the water wrapped itself around him and he could feel arms around his waist, warmth pressed against his back with a chin resting over his shoulder... keeping him close.
As he turned off the water, he shook his head to remove the excess moisture and his hair flew wildly back and forth. It was long now... past his shoulders. He looked like something dorning the cover of a romance novel with his bright blue eyes and a smile that could light up the sky. He wasn’t sure how old he was, but he was sure he wasn’t too young... although he did look it some days. He had to be older. After all, he had a nipple ring and it looked like it had been there for a fair while. Maybe he was just an uncontrollable child... The jury was still out on that one, but he was sure he was a nice person... maybe?. Who knew? Not him, he laughed to himself.
If he didn't hurry, Mrs. Barnes would be tackling him in the corridor again for using all the hot water.
I can’t help it, he thought, What’s a crazy boy to do?
His sense of humor was working overtime lately, but he'd spent far more than his fair share of time crying for the loss of who he used to be. Truthfully, it never helped. It had been eight months and there were still no clues. No one missed him... no one cared. If Margaret Barnes hadn’t taken him in, he would have been forced in a juvenile facility. She was convinced he wasn’t old enough to be by himself. Hell, he wasn’t sure how to be by himself.
Dr Hawkins was encouraging him to have a time out. He needed a break from the pressure of trying to remember. When you forget something its different to when there's just nothing there. He was just sick of thinking about it.
As he walked down the street to the center, he spotted Mrs. Durham... who was going out of her way to flag him down.
“Hi,” he said with his biggest smile. “How are you?”
“I’m great sweetie...you?”
“Oh you know, same ole same ole,” he laughed.
“Before I forget, tell Margie, Fred can pick up the boxes for bingo. They’re in the front of our garage I’ll leave it open so he can come by any time.”
“Thanks Mrs. Durham I’ll tell her when I go home for lunch.”
“You’re a good boy Willie, I don’t know how Margie survived without you to love.”
“See you cutie,” he winked at her and she blushed like a schoolgirl.
“Go on with you,’ she swatted his behind.
William continued walking down the road... smiling and nodding to everyone that he passed. In a very short time, he'd become everyone’s favorite. He was polite and just a little cheeky... particularly with all the elderly people in town. Most of them only wanted to be acknowledged for at the very least, being alive. He had to be a good person or he wouldn’t be so patient. Would he?
He chastised himself for even thinking that way. He was on a memory holiday for the next two weeks and nothing was going to interfere with it. He smiled to himself and kept walking.
William had spent many hours at The Center. It was a place from where most of the town’s recreational activities were co-coordinated. Dr Hawkins was in charge, but Nurse Blair really ran the whole place. There was Daycare, after school care, Parent support groups, child minding and every sport imaginable. Betty Blair believed children needed to be occupied. William spent most of his time in the daycare looking after the kids. He wasn’t sure what it was about little kids, but he liked the time they spent together. They never gave him pity looks or thought of him as 'that poor boy who can’t remember anything'.
****
Sharon Johnson was sixteen with shoulder length, curly, blonde hair and big green eyes. As a candy striper at the hospital, Sharon had sat with thebeautiful, lost boy until he'd regained consciousness. There was something about him... She didn't know why, but she'd dedicated herself to him...devoting all her spare time to sit and watch him. She said he reminded her of her brother, who'd died in an auto accident when she was eleven. He used to look like an angel when he was fast asleep too. William smiled.
She was with him when he woke up. After three weeks of being at his side, when his eyes looked straight at her... trying to focus, burning into her soul, he knew she was his anchor... someone he felt connected to immediately. It had been seven months and now they were inseparable. He'dbeen released into the care of Mrs. Barnes... Sharon’s next-door neighbor. Her father was the local minister and always helping someone, so he made the arrangements.
He'd spent many hours with Rev. Johnson talking about everything in general and nothing in particular. Those were the conversations that kept him grounded. Whenheecovered from his injuries, is life in this small town was completely normal these days, except his life only started eight months before. The large gash on his forehead had healed and he rarely even had headaches any more. Yeah life was good.
“Shaz.”
Sharon looked around as William called out to her...jumping to her feet to rush over to his side.
“Hi baby! How are you today?” she said softly as their lips lightly brushed together.
“Great, but missing you,” his arm snaked around her waist and pulled her close.
“I’m glad,” she replied, smiling up at him. ”How are our children today?”
“We are all great... aren’t we kids?”
“Yes,” they all called out together.
William put his hands up to his ears “As you can hear, they’re fine”
“Do you want to grab some lunch, Will?”
“Can’t," he shrugged. "I promised I'd go home for lunch to deliver a message
about bingo, which will give Fred a job from Mrs. Durham.”
“Want me to walk with you?” she said softly
“What do you think?” He asked as he pulled her close and pecked her on the cheek. She melted into his arms resting her head against his chest. She was his lifeline, the one person who truly cared about him without reservation. God... he could have been the worst person in the world and she still loved him.
“Come on, cut it out you two," a voice boomed from behind them. "We have children present." Nurse Blair grumbled at the pair being so overt in public. They both laughed. She would be shocked no matter what they were doing.
“Let’s go,” he said, grabbing her hand and dragging her out the side entrance.
“Bye kids I’ll see you later,” Sharon sang.
“Bye” they all yelled in unison.They left, hand in hand, to walk down the street.
Dr Hawkins watched the pair leave, glancing at Nurse Blair... shaking his head.
“I wish they weren’t so close. I don’t want to see either of them hurt,” he said
“We don’t know if or what he's going to remember and they look like young people making plans to me,” she sighed, shaking her head. “How are his sessions going?”
“Stalled," he replied. "I've suggested taking a break for the moment... we’ve done just about everything else. It’s just not up there any more," he sighed. "With the blow to his head and the coma... his memory just doesn’t seem to want to be triggered.”
He sounded frustrated Nurse Blair thought. “You can only do your best and who knows, they just might live happily ever after. He's a good kid and after losing her Mom and Jack in the accident, Sharon certainly deserves to be happy.
********
“Briannnnnnn,” whined Mikey “Oooooopen the doorrrrrrrr.”
The heavy,steel door slid open.
“What the fuck do you want!” he growled.
“I don’t know why you’re in such a bad mood today. I’ve been riiiiinging you alllllll morning and you wooooooon’t pick uppppppp,” the whinging voice kept going.
“Did it occur to you, I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t want to talk to you?" Brian roared.
“Why are you in such a bad mood?" Mikey asked.
Brian shook his head in utter disbelief. He said the words in his head because he could never say them out loud. “I don’t feel like going out... I don’t want to move on... I miss Justin.” The pain was written all over his face. He was lost and he knew Mikey didn't have a clue.
Michael frowned... not this shit again. “You’ll have to accept that he is gone and he isn’t coming back. Do you want to go to Woody’s for a drink?”
Brian shook his head in amazement at his best friend thoughtlessness, then promptly shoved Michael out the door and slid it closed. Although the pounding on the door was annoying, no more words were exchanged and Brian headed for the shower.
******
“Honey, I’m home,” Brian grinned and looked around as he slid the heavy door of the loft, closed. Before he could move away, he was pushed against the door, hard. As the buttons on his shirt popped off, he could feel his belt and pants being torn from his body and a familiar warm mouth moving over him.
“Ahhhhh,” he groaned, as waves of ecstasy began to flow over him. He'd missed this so much. Justin was all he could think about, all he wanted. The twink who never left... The one Brian dreamed of every night and felt for every morning.
Gently rolling his lover's balls in his palm, Justin licked the underside of Brian’s hard cock... tracing the vein and as he reached the end pushing his tongue into the slit of the weeping member before swirling his tongue around the head and repeating the routine until Brian thought he would die from sheer pleasure. His eyes were closed with his head back against the door. Justin raised his arm to his mouth, pushing two of Brian’s fingers into Brian’s mouth watching him suck on them greedily coating them with saliva. Justin turned around and rubbed his round bubble-butt against Brian’s now throbbing appendage.
“I want you inside me,” he whispered, looking over his shoulder at his lover behind him.
Brian didn't need to be coaxed...his now wet fingers sliding towards Justin’s entry. One finger... preparing his partner for what was to come. Justin had obviously been preparing before he came home.
“Use enough lube?” Brian laughed at how slippery everything was.
“I just wanted to be prepared,” Justin replied indignantly. “Now quit teasing and fuck.”
“All right little boy, your wish is my command,” rolling the condom over the tip and unrolling it as he plunged into Justin with one clean stroke.
“Oh God,” Justin groaned as Brian pulled out till only his tip was inside before slamming back into him deeper than he thought possible.
“So tight Justin, you are so tight, so hot,” Brian moaned, almost incoherently as he pounded into Justin’s ass over and over... feeling his balls smack against his lover's cheeks with every thrust till he couldn't wait any longer. Reaching around, Brian took hold of Justin's cock and began to pump in time with his thrusts and as Justin's orgasm started, his muscles clenched down around Brian causing him to slip over the edge as well. The sweat was pouring off both of them as Brian fell forward dropping his full weight against his partner.
Brian smiled in his sleep. Dreaming of Justin was the only thing keeping him sane the last few months. He turned over and returned to his dream.
******
William sat bolt upright in bed. The perspiration and come were dripping off him and he wasgasping for breath.
“What the hell was that?” he panted... not only surprised, but stunned as he headed for the shower. In the last eight months, he'd never had any sexual dreams and now he was having fag dreams. Oh my God…. Not just any fag dreams, but hot enough to get off fag dreams. He looked down and saw he was hard again. Wait! What could he remember from the dream. The tall man with the hazel eyes was hard to forget. He was beautiful and it was obvious he loved the other guy. William wasn’t sure why he was even thinking about them together... let alone getting off to it. He loved Shaz and she loved him. Their lovemaking was soft and gentle and loving... the few times they'd done it. This dream was almost primal, rough, not quite violent, but urgent. He couldn’t describe what he was feeling or why he was feeling it. Now he had something interesting to discuss with the Doc... if he didn’t die of embarrassment in the process.
*******
Dr Hawkins scratched his forehead. What an interesting development. He was really shocked to the core. This was different to anything he'd experienced with this young man before. William had exhibited no excitement for the same sex before. He wasn’t sure what it meant. It certainly was interesting from a relationship point of view... Particularly when Will wasn’t repulsed by his experience, but rather intrigued... and this Brian, the brunette with the hazel eyes... would a straight male think another was beautiful? Who was Justin and how did he connect to William? The description of the other man was sketchy but his description of Brian was detailed down to the musculature.
“I can still see him so clearly. When I woke up I drew this." William handed the Doc a picture of Brian. The detail was incredible.
“I didn’t know you could draw William,” Doc Hawkins said confused.
“Neither did I,” he replied “Neither did I.”
Dr Hawkins had a lot to think about.
*******
Brian slid his hand to the other side of the bed... feeling for the warmth of Justin’s body, but he wasn't there. Shit, I miss him so much, he sighed. He spun around throwing his legs over the edge of the bed and headed for the shower.
It was almost a daily morning ritual... Feeling the water; warm, running over his body... almost feel Justin’s hands following the same path. Brian ran his fingers lightly over his chest and down his stomach. His hand wrapped around his swollen staff and started to pump. His heads fell backwards as he leaned against the wall of the shower... his hand picking up speed as his breath shortened.
“Oh fuck,” he cried out as he came. “Where the fuck are you, Justin?” Brian moaned as he collapsed onto the floor of the shower with tears building inhis eyes.
*******
Carl Horvath shuffled papers around his desk.
“Justin Taylor,” he mused out loud. “I hope you’re still alive son, for Debbie’s sake.” He knew if anything happening to her Sunshine, it would just break her heart. It had been nine months and they still didn’t have a clue. One minute he was in the hospital and the next he was gone... No one saw anything... No one heard anything... No one remembered anything. How far could a kid in a coma get? Some thought it was a payback to Brian from Stockwell, but he was dead now and not talking. Carl put the file back in the unsolved draw. The word had come from above. He had no choice.
******
Dr Hawkins felt they needed to discuss William’s new dream. Their sessions were informal now, William working at the center made this possible. It also meant they could be more relaxed which was more conducive to accessing repressed memories.
“An interesting development,” he mused as he scratched his chin. “ And you haven’t had dreams of this sexual persuasion before.”
“Of course not,” William jumped in. “I was nearly too embarrassed to even tell you about it,” he replied indignantly.
“William, everything is important, you must never hide anything. It could be the trigger for your memory.”
“Honestly Doc, I’m just tired of everything. My life is good here, Shaz and I love each other, I love my job, I love my friends... who needs a before. I just don’t think I want to do it anymore.”
“So, you would rather give up on finding your past than discuss a very detailed and graphic experience that came to you in a dream. Mmmm,” the doctor watched his patient with great interest. “Now, when you woke up... what happened then?”
William shifted in his chair uncomfortably; he knew where this was heading. “What do you mean?” he asked sheepishly.
“Were there any signs of gratification?” Dr Hawkins was not going to allow this boy to give up on himself.
“Why is that important?”
“It’s just another piece of the puzzle,” Dr Hawkins answered.
Sharon put her head around the door. “Are you ready to go? Dad’s taking us out to dinner”
“Coming right now... see you tomorrow Doc,” said William jumping to his feet.
“We will need to finish this discussion.”
“Sure thing,” he said as he grabbed Sharon and literally ran out of the doctors’ office.
“We certainly will,” Dr Hawkins pushed his chair back away from his desk and stood up. It had been a long day and he was happy to go home.
*******
William turned over in his sleep. The smoke was really thick around him and with the music thumping, he was finding it hard to think. He looked across the dance-floor and saw the beautiful man from the other night moving to the music. He was grinding himself against a blond and he looked so happy and at peace. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other. The man was kissing the blond now and William felt his cock get hard as he watched. His mouth was dry as he forgot to breathe. The man was truly beautiful and he was looking at his partner so lovingly that it took William's breath away. They stopped and stared at each other for a long while... oblivious to everyone and everything around them. When the tall man dragged his lover away and they were gone, William felt a loss so great that he was sure his heart would break.
William opened his eyes and wiped the tears from his cheeks.